MCI could very well mean that your mom can’t solve this problem (or solve it well) on her own. Would she let you go with her to a medical appointment? If she has a degenerative condition (Parkinson’s? Or similar?), you need to be thinking ahead to account for her decline and get POAs etc in place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

A mom can be a mom devoid of birthing a child. Have you heard of adoption?

Is the house in decent shape?

I would help her by doing some financial planning with her. She can stay in the house if she can pay the mortgage and insurance and utilities on just her SS alone. Can she?

If not, she needs either to find government help for poor people to pay for heat, electricity... OR she needs to take in a lodger or two. Yeah, that can be risky, but you could help her screen people.

She can be adamant that she doesn't want to take in renters but sadly, when you don't have a paid off house and you are 70 and your only income is SS.. there aren't too many options. Time for some tough love. You are supposed to have a paid off house by the time you retire, or else have a sweet next egg 401k that you can tap at 4% a year to cover the mortgage - that's Retirement 101.

Point out to her that she doesn't have either of those things, and you and your sibling aren't able to be her nest egg either. She better start coming up with her plan.

I'll tell you this though - the worst idea is that you a) buy her some kind of condo or something, paying the mortgage and then b) asking her to then pay you "something" as rent.

Here's why. She has a spending problem. She will want to spend all her Social Security on stuff. If you are covering the mortgage, she won't understand why you are being the big meanie and expecting her to give ALL her tiny little income away to you!

You will be the bad guy. You will likely feel a lot of pressure NOT to charge her rent, and then she'll go and spend her money on some stupid stuff, and you will be so angry with her.

So - do not do that. If you can comfortably afford the condo without expecting her to pay some of the mortgage - that's a different story.

OP, disability isn't an option at her age. Disability would be SSDI, it lets you get your Social Security benefit earlier, basically. She's already 70. There's no disability for her.

If she's dealing with cognitive issues, that changes things in my mind. You may be looking into a memory care type place sooner rather than later, unfortunately.

Sell the car. LOok into a reverse mortgage

Anonymous wrote:If it would work in your favor (i.e you like the car) could you swap with her? That would free up the car payment and you get a new car

We actually considered that but realized she overpaid for the car and DH didn't want to get involved in the deal. We also didn't know the extent of her debts at that point....that was a recent revelation, learning of exact numbers.

If it would work in your favor (i.e you like the car) could you swap with her? That would free up the car payment and you get a new car

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

OP stated that she was a *good mother*

It’s wrong to judge her by your standards today.

My standards are simply that a good parent to adult kids does not ask their adult child to take care of them financially because they made bad choices over and over again. It's very selfish. I'm really surprised people think it's normal! Being a good parent to minor kids doesn't excuse pulling this on your adult children or justify it.

That adult children will help care for their parents has long been a norm in our society. The point is, you are placing your 2025 values on someone without that capacity.

What’s interesting about this particular thread is mom tried- she’s in her 70s and has been working. Her sin is she was bad with money. OP said she was a good mom. Mom is also not saying give me all your money. She’s saying, tell me what to do. And she still wants to work. Now OP adds mom may have MCI. OP doesn’t really seem to care, and she’s not paying attention to the realistic suggestions that have been made. Now she thinks disability benefits will solve the issue. Good luck, OP, you need it.

I don't think you get what people like op's mom are like. Yes, adult children very often help their parents, in certain ways, especially when they get very old. This is a completely different scenario, with a woman who is still very young! People who are 70 and didn't save are all working. This is not an exceptional or laudable thing. It's what happens when you didn't save, and often now when you did as well. The mom's "tell me what to do" is also not sincere. OP indicated the family has been trying to help her figure out finances for a very long time and it fell on deaf ears. The mom just wants to be rescued perpetually, at the detriment of op's own finances and resources for her children.

I do get it, I’m just not so full of condemnation for a woman who OP now says is entering MCI. Most of my family were still very young and healthy in their 70s and 80s, but that’s not what OP indicated here. This forum just hates elders and will contort itself to justify whatever. I have taken care of most of the elders in our family and many of their friends. Lots of different circumstances and dynamics. I’m just much less willing to toss people in the trash.

No one hates elders, but OP's mother is demanding help without doing her part. OP is doing plenty by contacting the council on aging to figure out what supports are available for someone who knows she neds help but won't accept reality.

I mean OP, are you willing to see your mom homeless on the street?

In my case I wasn't, even with all the issues between us and their poor choices.

I provided a small, cheap condo in not a fancy neighborhood and secondhand furniture. I told them that's what me DH and I were willing to do, and they accepted it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

OP stated that she was a *good mother*

It’s wrong to judge her by your standards today.

My standards are simply that a good parent to adult kids does not ask their adult child to take care of them financially because they made bad choices over and over again. It's very selfish. I'm really surprised people think it's normal! Being a good parent to minor kids doesn't excuse pulling this on your adult children or justify it.

That adult children will help care for their parents has long been a norm in our society. The point is, you are placing your 2025 values on someone without that capacity.

What’s interesting about this particular thread is mom tried- she’s in her 70s and has been working. Her sin is she was bad with money. OP said she was a good mom. Mom is also not saying give me all your money. She’s saying, tell me what to do. And she still wants to work. Now OP adds mom may have MCI. OP doesn’t really seem to care, and she’s not paying attention to the realistic suggestions that have been made. Now she thinks disability benefits will solve the issue. Good luck, OP, you need it.

I don't think you get what people like op's mom are like. Yes, adult children very often help their parents, in certain ways, especially when they get very old. This is a completely different scenario, with a woman who is still very young! People who are 70 and didn't save are all working. This is not an exceptional or laudable thing. It's what happens when you didn't save, and often now when you did as well. The mom's "tell me what to do" is also not sincere. OP indicated the family has been trying to help her figure out finances for a very long time and it fell on deaf ears. The mom just wants to be rescued perpetually, at the detriment of op's own finances and resources for her children.

I do get it, I’m just not so full of condemnation for a woman who OP now says is entering MCI. Most of my family were still very young and healthy in their 70s and 80s, but that’s not what OP indicated here. This forum just hates elders and will contort itself to justify whatever. I have taken care of most of the elders in our family and many of their friends. Lots of different circumstances and dynamics. I’m just much less willing to toss people in the trash.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

OP stated that she was a *good mother*

It’s wrong to judge her by your standards today.

My standards are simply that a good parent to adult kids does not ask their adult child to take care of them financially because they made bad choices over and over again. It's very selfish. I'm really surprised people think it's normal! Being a good parent to minor kids doesn't excuse pulling this on your adult children or justify it.

That adult children will help care for their parents has long been a norm in our society. The point is, you are placing your 2025 values on someone without that capacity.

What’s interesting about this particular thread is mom tried- she’s in her 70s and has been working. Her sin is she was bad with money. OP said she was a good mom. Mom is also not saying give me all your money. She’s saying, tell me what to do. And she still wants to work. Now OP adds mom may have MCI. OP doesn’t really seem to care, and she’s not paying attention to the realistic suggestions that have been made. Now she thinks disability benefits will solve the issue. Good luck, OP, you need it.

I don't think you get what people like op's mom are like. Yes, adult children very often help their parents, in certain ways, especially when they get very old. This is a completely different scenario, with a woman who is still very young! People who are 70 and didn't save are all working. This is not an exceptional or laudable thing. It's what happens when you didn't save, and often now when you did as well. The mom's "tell me what to do" is also not sincere. OP indicated the family has been trying to help her figure out finances for a very long time and it fell on deaf ears. The mom just wants to be rescued perpetually, at the detriment of op's own finances and resources for her children.

This!! Op mom is still making financial mistakes, major ones, and expects others to bail her out. Sorry but I don't do that for people who don't make an effort to change. She knows she's bad with money and just got rid of a perfectly fine paid off car to go into major debt for a new car she can't afford. If by age 70 you cannot figure out the basics the. It's not on your family to bail you out.

Similarly if my 25 yo did that, despite us teaching them fiscal responsibilities then they would live with the financial consequences for the next 3+ years for that decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

OP stated that she was a *good mother*

It’s wrong to judge her by your standards today.

My standards are simply that a good parent to adult kids does not ask their adult child to take care of them financially because they made bad choices over and over again. It's very selfish. I'm really surprised people think it's normal! Being a good parent to minor kids doesn't excuse pulling this on your adult children or justify it.

That adult children will help care for their parents has long been a norm in our society. The point is, you are placing your 2025 values on someone without that capacity.

What’s interesting about this particular thread is mom tried- she’s in her 70s and has been working. Her sin is she was bad with money. OP said she was a good mom. Mom is also not saying give me all your money. She’s saying, tell me what to do. And she still wants to work. Now OP adds mom may have MCI. OP doesn’t really seem to care, and she’s not paying attention to the realistic suggestions that have been made. Now she thinks disability benefits will solve the issue. Good luck, OP, you need it.

I don't think you get what people like op's mom are like. Yes, adult children very often help their parents, in certain ways, especially when they get very old. This is a completely different scenario, with a woman who is still very young! People who are 70 and didn't save are all working. This is not an exceptional or laudable thing. It's what happens when you didn't save, and often now when you did as well. The mom's "tell me what to do" is also not sincere. OP indicated the family has been trying to help her figure out finances for a very long time and it fell on deaf ears. The mom just wants to be rescued perpetually, at the detriment of op's own finances and resources for her children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

OP stated that she was a *good mother*

It’s wrong to judge her by your standards today.

My standards are simply that a good parent to adult kids does not ask their adult child to take care of them financially because they made bad choices over and over again. It's very selfish. I'm really surprised people think it's normal! Being a good parent to minor kids doesn't excuse pulling this on your adult children or justify it.

That adult children will help care for their parents has long been a norm in our society. The point is, you are placing your 2025 values on someone without that capacity.

What’s interesting about this particular thread is mom tried- she’s in her 70s and has been working. Her sin is she was bad with money. OP said she was a good mom. Mom is also not saying give me all your money. She’s saying, tell me what to do. And she still wants to work. Now OP adds mom may have MCI. OP doesn’t really seem to care, and she’s not paying attention to the realistic suggestions that have been made. Now she thinks disability benefits will solve the issue. Good luck, OP, you need it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

Not allowing your kids to help is a burden in itself. (I say that as a daughter; I don't have my own kids so no, I am not expecting anyone to bail me out.)

I'm not saying she has to move in with you and you buy her Prada bags - but just giving her a tough love routine, that's very harsh and cold. Barring some circumstances or history that you feel make that the right thing to do.

You're saying that as the child of someone not relying on you completely and asking for help though. These are the parents you WANT to help by being present, driving them to the doctor's, getting groceries. And of course it's fine to accept some help. I get that because my parents are like that. It'd be an honor to help them! But here this woman basically acted like a financial child her entire life, hoping to be bailed out by her kids. And these people will take, take and take some more. My in-laws are like that. You give them money? They want more, they will spend more. There is no shame element for some, they will not learn unless they are actually on their own.