This is really hard, OP, I give you that. In my family we talk a lot about getting all our nutrition in and as a general rule trying to have a fruit and a vegetable and a source of protein at dinner every night. At lunch a fruit and a protein. I don’t get into stuff being fatty or not because I am trying personally to develop habits that are healthy. This has worked very well for my daughter and less well for my son, who is younger. We don’t make anything a battle (they don’t have to eat anything) but they know that is what we consider when trying to get all our nutrients in and what I try to model. If you are worried about what your siblings and parents are serving asks them to dial it back. I think snacks are typically more of an issue than meals.

This is OP again. I really do appreciate all of the perspectives here because it’s a very difficult topic and the last thing I want to do is drive her toward an eating disorder. The overall problem is that my daughter has too much access to junk food and there isn’t much I can do about it if I don’t try to steer her toward healthy choices at least some of the time. While we prepare healthy choices at home for breakfast/dinner during the week most of the time, she goes to my parents’ or siblings’ houses probably twice per week after school/weekends and also regularly goes to friends’ houses where they seem to all eat a ton of junk regularly.

I used yesterday as a test and said nothing to DD all day and let her eat what she wanted. DD slept over at her friend’s house Monday night and had donuts for breakfast (DD told me). We later went to my sibling’s house where they ordered in lunch and DD chose chicken fingers and fries. Carrot sticks and apples were served and DD ate one carrot stick and no apples. We went out for an early dinner and DD chose a cheeseburger and fries, with an ice cream sundae for dessert (and ate all of it, plus a half a slice of her cousin’s pizza). Today we went to a friend’s house for a NY brunch/party and DD had several cookies and other treats, plus pizza.

I would not be concerned if this was just a rare occasion during the holidays, but again it’s not. We eat out a decent amount with family or DD is with friends and what she eats is out of my control.

So do I really just say nothing and let her make her own decisions?

I snuck food around that age. My parents were not super controlling. We did have sweets in the house. I wanted a bowl of ice cream sometimes when I got home from school. My parents weren’t home and I knew I wasn’t supposed to bf dinner. I never developed an eating disorder and have always been a pretty healthy eater. It was control plus sweet tooth. I grew out of it.

My daughter has candy wrappers in her room sometimes. We just tell her please don’t eat in your room. We have candy in the house and they just need to ask mostly we say yes unless it’s bf dinner.

Both H and I had access to sweets growing up. I have them in the house too. I don’t want my kids to feel like they are off limits. I think that leads to disordered eating. We also eat dinner as a family 5xs week even if it’s late bc of sports and all eat the same thing. I think this is all important to model for kids.

I snuck food, starting around 4.
I was on the road to being a compulsive eater.
I was normal weight at 4.
I was 88 pounds in first grade.
I was 145 pounds and 4'9" in 4th grade.
I was 200 pounds and 5'2" in 6th grade.
I was 240 pounds at 14.
I was 280+ pounds at graduation.
My mother was an eating buddy and dieter. We did pills, egg diet, rice diet. Yoyo 20 pounds.
I was 340+ at age 27. I went to my first OA meeting after seeing a notice on a library bulletin board.
I was 140 pounds 14 months later.
I yoyo a bit and am 170 now, 40 years later. No surgery, no meds.
I wish your daughter a good life younger than I found mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pancake and ice cream are not "non-stop treat" all day. That's just a normal day at grandparents' house.

OP is the problem. Healthy eating habit is not achieved by taking food away from kids. Just look like alcohol prohibition.

To be honest I’m not totally sure how healthy eating habits are created in the current food environment. I am pretty sure that overreacting to a kid sneaking two cupcakes is going to have the opposite intended effect though.

I remember my mother punished me for eating chocolate without permission, and I had to apologize for "stealing". My dad finally spoke up saying taking food from one's own home is not stealing.

I snuck food as a kid. My mom always had me on a diet. I did weight watchers at age 10. When I started babysitting when I was 12, the parents would tell me to help myself to any food. I ripped into their cookies and candy.

Anonymous wrote:I did that because I was deemed fat (in retrospect I was not!) and didn't want to eat my favorite foods in front of people and feel shamed for it.

Same here.

One other thing that I haven’t seen mentioned, OP: does your DD have an ADHD diagnosis?

I was not treated for ADHD until adulthood and was very prone to sneak eating and binge eating. There was a lot contributing to this but the untreated ADHD was probably the worst culprit. What your DD may be doing is dopamine-seeking behavior. When she needs that need, she realizes what’s happened and is confused and embarrassed and hides stuff.

Once my dopamine-seeking behavior was balanced with ADHD medication, I didn’t have the same urge to binge or sneak.

Look up ADHD in girls. Some of the signs are sneaky and it’s easy for girls to slide by without anyone noticing that they may be struggling.

Anonymous wrote:Pancake and ice cream are not "non-stop treat" all day. That's just a normal day at grandparents' house.

OP is the problem. Healthy eating habit is not achieved by taking food away from kids. Just look like alcohol prohibition.

To be honest I’m not totally sure how healthy eating habits are created in the current food environment. I am pretty sure that overreacting to a kid sneaking two cupcakes is going to have the opposite intended effect though.

Pancake and ice cream are not "non-stop treat" all day. That's just a normal day at grandparents' house.

OP is the problem. Healthy eating habit is not achieved by taking food away from kids. Just look like alcohol prohibition.

Anonymous wrote:I was a child who started sneaking food about that age. I was actually pretty low weight and am an average (low pre child) weight adult. The weight is not the issue.

The issue is the sneaking and hiding of food wrappers. Just eating a bunch of extra candy and throwing away the wrappers is completely different than eating a bunch of extra candy AND WRAPPING UP the wrappers before putting them in the trash. It’s about impulsive behavior and control.

Please speak with your child’s doctor or a counselor. I have read CBT is the best option for binge eating. Hope everything works out.

No. she is sneaking and hiding because OP is conveying shame to her. This isn’t impulsivity or even clinical binge eating. OP needs to do a lot of reading on how disordered eating patterns are created by parents.

I did that because I was deemed fat (in retrospect I was not!) and didn't want to eat my favorite foods in front of people and feel shamed for it.

She wants the food but is ashamed about it, knowing she shouldn’t but wanting it anyway.
Is she a healthy weight? Active?
We are not strict about food but do try to eat healthy 80% of the time. We don’t have cupcakes in the house unless we’ve just had a birthday. There is candy though, DD will occasionally ask and I’ll say yes as long as she’s eaten dinner or lunch.

Oh no, this is the last year I do this. From age 14 on, she is entirely on her own. Now do I laugh when one of my DDs gets a stomachache from too much dairy or chocolate? Of course! It's the best part of parenting. I can only make them aware, not fill them with a willingness to do the hard work. Making healthy choices, like a personal religious belief, is very personal.

I was a child who started sneaking food about that age. I was actually pretty low weight and am an average (low pre child) weight adult. The weight is not the issue.

The issue is the sneaking and hiding of food wrappers. Just eating a bunch of extra candy and throwing away the wrappers is completely different than eating a bunch of extra candy AND WRAPPING UP the wrappers before putting them in the trash. It’s about impulsive behavior and control.

Please speak with your child’s doctor or a counselor. I have read CBT is the best option for binge eating. Hope everything works out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When one of my teen daughters did this I went to the store and stockpiled cookies and chips. Put them in the pantry and told her she could have as many as she wanted. The key was to not get many different varieties. 'You like Oreos? Okay, here are six packs of them!' Despite maintaining a normal weight (115-125 lbs at 5'6) for most of my life, I eat huge quantities. How can I get angry at DD? She is just the greedy daughter of a greedy mother. Genes are no joke.

Would you do this if your daughter was binging on junk food and also overweight?

After I have provided nutritional information, abundant access to healthy whole foods, and slight incentives, my job as the pragmatic parent of a teen is done. Only a dummy futilely tries to limit portions or ban more than one or two things. If my daughter, having a vegetarian mother who exercises daily and regularly rails against the addictive power of sugar and processed food items, were very overweight I would not modify my approach in the slightest. The answer is to make MORE FOOD AVAILABLE, not less, to the overeater, regardless of her size. My 13 yo DD, who is, in fact, much heavier than I was at her age, can have all the fries and hamburgers and desserts she wants AFTER she has had a glass of water and an apple and a bowl of raw spinach. All I can do is insist that something with some nutritional value also goes down the gullet.

And if she tells you she doesn’t want the apple and spinach, she wants the fries, and you say no, you limiting. And she may just sneak later. You aren’t somehow more right by doing this. At 13 turns into 14 and 15 and they will ultimately eat what they want, regardless of how much you tell them they should eat apples and spinach first.