Anonymous
12/23/2024 12:17
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 13 years apart. We have been together, and very happy, for over 20 years. Our age difference has never been an issue aside from my occasional annoyance with boomer nonsense the past few years. But that is a cultural difference -- a generation one -- not an age one. They aren't exactly the same thing.
We are both very attractive and met at work as we are both lawyers -- if that is "equal footing" for you, whatever that means.
She has a large trust fund (and good start to her career) while he is a successful attorney. I mentioned the equal footing because I think some people assume a younger woman is after money and that is not the dynamic here
Maybe since she has a large trust fund and a promising career, she's afraid to date men her age because she worries they like her for money rather than for the right reasons. To her, a 38 year old law partner has enough of his own money and career success that she believes he likes her for reasons other than money.
The question is why the dude is dating a 24 yo while he can date early 30s successful women. I think the relationship might work but OPs daughter needs to look out for some red flags. And she’s still too young to be concerned about not finding a good fit among younger men
Because he's a dude. How is this even a question?
Anonymous
12/23/2024 12:17
Subject: 14 year age gap?
She’s not 10. It has its challenges but so do relationships if both of them are same age or he’s younger. Just a different set of challenges. What matters more is the person himself and his relationship. Are they on same page on major things, kids timing, mother working / not working, is this his first marriage or she’ll be dealing also with ex-wife and step kids? It ultimately depends on the specific people rather than age difference as a number.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 12:13
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 13 years apart. We have been together, and very happy, for over 20 years. Our age difference has never been an issue aside from my occasional annoyance with boomer nonsense the past few years. But that is a cultural difference -- a generation one -- not an age one. They aren't exactly the same thing.
We are both very attractive and met at work as we are both lawyers -- if that is "equal footing" for you, whatever that means.
She has a large trust fund (and good start to her career) while he is a successful attorney. I mentioned the equal footing because I think some people assume a younger woman is after money and that is not the dynamic here
Maybe since she has a large trust fund and a promising career, she's afraid to date men her age because she worries they like her for money rather than for the right reasons. To her, a 38 year old law partner has enough of his own money and career success that she believes he likes her for reasons other than money.
The question is why the dude is dating a 24 yo while he can date early 30s successful women. I think the relationship might work but OPs daughter needs to look out for some red flags. And she’s still too young to be concerned about not finding a good fit among younger men
Anonymous
12/23/2024 12:07
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 13 years apart. We have been together, and very happy, for over 20 years. Our age difference has never been an issue aside from my occasional annoyance with boomer nonsense the past few years. But that is a cultural difference -- a generation one -- not an age one. They aren't exactly the same thing.
We are both very attractive and met at work as we are both lawyers -- if that is "equal footing" for you, whatever that means.
She has a large trust fund (and good start to her career) while he is a successful attorney. I mentioned the equal footing because I think some people assume a younger woman is after money and that is not the dynamic here
Maybe since she has a large trust fund and a promising career, she's afraid to date men her age because she worries they like her for money rather than for the right reasons. To her, a 38 year old law partner has enough of his own money and career success that she believes he likes her for reasons other than money.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 12:01
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:What’s his baggage at 38? It’s kind of lose-lose. If he’s never been married at that age it’s a red flag but if he’s divorced that comes with its own set of issues.
I’d think if she’s dating for fun then have at it, but I’d personally encourage her to not date for marriage. When any sex hits 50 things start going downhill. When she’s 40 and he’s 54 she’s really going to notice the differences.
It comes down to baggage. As long as he doesn't have any kids, it might work. I don't think it's a red flag that a man hasn't gotten married by 38. Men are lucky - they can wait to get married and have kids until they are 40 and focus on their careers first. There are some risks to consider, like the power imbalance, how they will time retirement, if they will be able to share mutual friends, or if his friends (and their girlfriends or wives) are just too old for her to enjoy and her friends are too young and immature for him to enjoy. If he's a divorced father of young kids, you should 100% intervene. That's a terrible, horrible deal for her, and at 24, she's got so many options and can do so much better.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 12:00
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.
It will be much more challenging in 20 years.
We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.
Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.
Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.
Wait till he’s late 70s and you are mid 60s
I’m the PP who described my negative experience. Of course there are couples where it worked. But there is an extensive research that shows large age gaps relationships are less stable
I see from OPs post there is already a potential point of contempt: her daughter has a trust, her partner has to work AND he’s older. Money and sets from trusts are typically considered separate property. It could make transition to syncing their retirement easier, or to the opposite, complicate things. My exH retired at 56; I still work at 45 and we had very different preferences how to spend holidays, for example. All his friends were much older and I spent most of Christmases with very old executive retirees or his work colleagues (60-70 years olds). He would become combative when I suggested to alternate years. I feel like a lot of my young years were wasted on superficial people and things and people who were basic strangers and are no longer in my life post divorce. Despite my exH connections, he wouldn’t help with my own professional growth as he didn’t want me to be too absent from family duties
Your're not understainding that I am the one with serious health issues and my husband has stuck with me. He will be working later as we have kids who are teens. Stop making it about you and your relationship. Not everyone is you.
No, I’m not even arguing with you - just describing my real life experience. You are trying to argue statistics here. Of course on average men live less, and get sick more often than women. Go visit why retirement community after age 65, you’ll see it’s female- dominated in numbers there
Anonymous
12/23/2024 11:56
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:How insane would it be for a 24 year old woman & 38 year old man to be in relationship? What about with an equal playing field in terms of looks and finances?
I just hung out with a 99 year old man who met his wife in France in WWII. I think his wife is around 86.
They seem to have had a happy life.
The wife still goes to the gym 3 times a week. The husband stopped going to the gym at around age 96.
They took their last river boat cruise 4 years ago when the husband was 96. The husband no longer is up to traveling. the wife is sad because would still like to go on international river boat cruises but she won't go solo.
The wife cooks a traditional french meal every day for their mid day meal. They each have a stiff cocktail in the evening and a snack in the evening.
I think they have had a good life together.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 11:53
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.
It will be much more challenging in 20 years.
We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.
Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.
Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.
Wait till he’s late 70s and you are mid 60s
I’m the PP who described my negative experience. Of course there are couples where it worked. But there is an extensive research that shows large age gaps relationships are less stable
I see from OPs post there is already a potential point of contempt: her daughter has a trust, her partner has to work AND he’s older. Money and sets from trusts are typically considered separate property. It could make transition to syncing their retirement easier, or to the opposite, complicate things. My exH retired at 56; I still work at 45 and we had very different preferences how to spend holidays, for example. All his friends were much older and I spent most of Christmases with very old executive retirees or his work colleagues (60-70 years olds). He would become combative when I suggested to alternate years. I feel like a lot of my young years were wasted on superficial people and things and people who were basic strangers and are no longer in my life post divorce. Despite my exH connections, he wouldn’t help with my own professional growth as he didn’t want me to be too absent from family duties
Your're not understainding that I am the one with serious health issues and my husband has stuck with me. He will be working later as we have kids who are teens. Stop making it about you and your relationship. Not everyone is you.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 11:49
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Older, I'd say it's fine. She's young enough that she's probably being manipulated, unfortunately.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 11:33
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.
It will be much more challenging in 20 years.
Yeah, I’m the PP and I do agree with that. But as the parent, I wouldn’t actively try and discourage it. I’d just listen and let it play out. If he had another family, I’d actively discourage
Anonymous
12/23/2024 11:23
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.
It will be much more challenging in 20 years.
We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.
Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.
Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.
Wait till he’s late 70s and you are mid 60s
I’m the PP who described my negative experience. Of course there are couples where it worked. But there is an extensive research that shows large age gaps relationships are less stable
I see from OPs post there is already a potential point of contempt: her daughter has a trust, her partner has to work AND he’s older. Money and sets from trusts are typically considered separate property. It could make transition to syncing their retirement easier, or to the opposite, complicate things. My exH retired at 56; I still work at 45 and we had very different preferences how to spend holidays, for example. All his friends were much older and I spent most of Christmases with very old executive retirees or his work colleagues (60-70 years olds). He would become combative when I suggested to alternate years. I feel like a lot of my young years were wasted on superficial people and things and people who were basic strangers and are no longer in my life post divorce. Despite my exH connections, he wouldn’t help with my own professional growth as he didn’t want me to be too absent from family duties
Anonymous
12/23/2024 11:21
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.
It will be much more challenging in 20 years.
We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.
Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.
Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.
You don't understand what statistics means.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 11:08
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.
It will be much more challenging in 20 years.
We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.
Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.
Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 10:49
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.
It will be much more challenging in 20 years.
We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.
Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.
Anonymous
12/23/2024 10:43
Subject: 14 year age gap?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Met at 22 and 36. Married at 25 and 39. Together 17 years/married 15 now with a teen/tween. We've had our ups and downs, but nothing that specifically has anything to do with our age gap - usually stuff .. money, sex, in-laws.
Even having our lived experience, I definitely would have some strong feelings if our son brought home a co-ed in his mid-30s - mostly just because society is so weird about it.
And to the previous posters saying "wait 20 years" ... we're almost there and I'm not sure what the issue is. He's in good health and is at a place in his career where he's basically on cruise control and can do some of the day-to-day heaving lifting with the kids (carpools, homework help), which has made my c-suite climb so. much. easier.
Good luck to your daughter - you sound like a great mom and your support means everything to her.
I noticed women who are with much older men are typically not that interested in building a deeper connection. It’s more transactional: money, sex, and just not being bothered by anything external (in-laws, for the above poster). How they look together as a couple +kids on Instagram, very superficial.
My exH would get irritated discussing my challenges at work; political issues; son’s issues at school. Not good with foreplay in bedroom. ExH built an office in the basement and was spending most of his days there, working. He now dates a 20 years younger woman with two little kids but don’t cohabitate with her, just takes on trips and restaurants. Now that he lives alone he seems to be the happiest.
PP here- I'm confused how my post left you thinking that my husband and I don't share a deep connection? I was commenting that my husband and I share the type of issues that many of my same-aged couple friends so -- never enough time, money, aging in laws, etc. which seem to be true no matter your age. My husband is my best friend - bad day? he's the first one I call. Need help parenting teens? we figure it out together. We laugh and cry and enjoy a robust emotional AND physical relationship. I am SO glad I didn't listen to the naysayers (... many of whom are now divorced). In my experience, my husband is more emotionally and physically attuned to our relationship and our children, and I attribute that to the fact that he "paid his dues" and no longer has to work insane hours and can be more focused at home. I'm not perfect - neither is he. But I don't think an age gap automatically dooms you to the types of relationships the PPs have been describing. I'm curious to know where their expertise from these relationships come from, because it doesn't seem they have much experience with them.