This mostly depends on you tone of voice, you could say exactly what you quoted nicely or rudely. I don’t think your sentiment was wrong but if you were trying to be mean I think that’s less than ideal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno...you're part of the family and may have discussed it with dh? Or, the woman raised your spouse whom you presumably love?

Why would either being a part of a family I met seven years ago or loving someone I met seven years ago put me in charge of buying a gift for someone who literally came out of my MIL’s body?

I never understand a lot of these arguments. So many people get on a soapbox against buying a gift for their in-laws - Mother’s Day, Christmas, etc.

And some of these same people, are on here later asking about what gift to give a teacher, or ideas for their son’s girlfriend gift, or what gift to buy a niece or nephew, etc.

If you can donate or buy a gift for a coworker, a teacher, the bus driver, an angel on a charity tree… then why can’t we be bothered to think about a token gift for our mother-in-law, an older lady, who presumably did maybe just one good thing ever in her life - like being the sole reason your spouse is here on earth. You don’t have to love her; you don’t have to even like her, But she’s human or at least you are and it’s the Christmas season.

Dh gets his parents gifts and I would be annoyed if he expected me to do it. But I certainly wouldn't be annoyed if my SIL reached out to me to ask what we bought her. Dh and I talk about what we buy our parents.

I don't get why you cannot be kind and get a gift for your MIL. I always did it.

Wow, I am sorry you have been attacked, OP. I get it. I have never liked the assumption that the women are the gift-givers. And the thing is, a lot of women perpetuate this because they know if DH buys a crappy gift (or no gift), MIL will silently blamer her DIL, not her son. So the DIL does the gift shopping for MIL because she does not want the judgment. And it perpetuates the cycle.

Weird title, and very rude phrasing (and no doubt tone) you used, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL just called me and asked me what I got for her mother—my MIL—for Christmas.

I said, “I have no idea what Jake got your mom. You should call him.” And she got huffy with me. Like…call your brother! Why would you assume I got her something? Why would I do that? I met her exactly seven years ago. Why would I be in charge of that?

Your title re a 43yo and OP statement make no sense together.

I'll bite. I got my MIL several nice items. Not because of my DH's aversion to shopping, but because I like and care about her, and it's not putting me out. She is the grandparent to our child.

I am the parent of one child, a boy.

Some day I too will be a MIL.

I hope my son marries someone more kind and thoughtful than you.

I am the parent of one child, a boy.

Ding ding ding!

I love how you know he’s going to marry, and will only be attracted to women.

She can be a MIL even if her son marries another man.

Does no one here ever just lose their patience with stuff? Sure OP was brusque but it's not like she called her SIL an idiot, swore at her, then hung up. She got irritated - she's probably swamped with work to finish before the holidays, trying to keep it all together, and this was just one more thing sort of moment. We have them. Also she's right about the inherent sexism.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL just called me and asked me what I got for her mother—my MIL—for Christmas.

I said, “I have no idea what Jake got your mom. You should call him.” And she got huffy with me. Like…call your brother! Why would you assume I got her something? Why would I do that? I met her exactly seven years ago. Why would I be in charge of that?

Your title re a 43yo and OP statement make no sense together.

I'll bite. I got my MIL several nice items. Not because of my DH's aversion to shopping, but because I like and care about her, and it's not putting me out. She is the grandparent to our child.

I am the parent of one child, a boy.

Some day I too will be a MIL.

I hope my son marries someone more kind and thoughtful than you.

How do you know you’ll be a MIL someday, and why do you assume it will be MIL to a woman?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL just called me and asked me what I got for her mother—my MIL—for Christmas.

I said, “I have no idea what Jake got your mom. You should call him.” And she got huffy with me. Like…call your brother! Why would you assume I got her something? Why would I do that? I met her exactly seven years ago. Why would I be in charge of that?

Your title re a 43yo and OP statement make no sense together.

I'll bite. I got my MIL several nice items. Not because of my DH's aversion to shopping, but because I like and care about her, and it's not putting me out. She is the grandparent to our child.

I am the parent of one child, a boy.

Some day I too will be a MIL.

I hope my son marries someone more kind and thoughtful than you.

I am the parent of one child, a boy.

Ding ding ding!

I love how you know he’s going to marry, and will only be attracted to women.

OP, you sound like a B. My husband's sister is my friend and I would never speak to her like that. She is my partner in crime and we frequently rag on her brother/my husband and also their parents.

Anonymous wrote:Chill out. I get it. But you could just be nice and say "I'm not sure what we got her: Jake is in charge of her gift this year."

Your answer is understandable but your tone is confrontational, unecessarily.

Agreed. If there is not further context that would merit the hostility, this is an overreaction.

It's also good to remember in situations like this that women like OP's SIL have been indoctrinated into this set up (where women are in charge of all the relationships and gifts and holidays and remembering birthdays and sending thanks and all that) and that they are also a victim of this system. It's possible your SIL never really had a chance to make other choices if her family is like this and her community is like this. And getting yelled at by you is not going to change her mind, it will just make her double down that her way is correct because at least it's no rude.

Whereas if you politely set boundaries and explain your DH handles gifts for his family, that is far more likely to register with her as being normal and is more likely to lead her to think more expansively about how this stuff should be handled.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno...you're part of the family and may have discussed it with dh? Or, the woman raised your spouse whom you presumably love?

Why would either being a part of a family I met seven years ago or loving someone I met seven years ago put me in charge of buying a gift for someone who literally came out of my MIL’s body?

I don't especially like my in-laws and don't see them as family despite meeting them 25 years ago, but I do get them their gift. My dh is completely disorganized and a crap shopper. I know what they like. He does plenty of other things in the marriage I don't enjoy. All you had to do was tell sil you don't know and to ask your dh. It wasn't a trick/mean question or a hard question.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is this your very first holiday together? Otherwise what did you do about this last year?

OP here. I don’t know why SIL chose this year to make this assumption; we’ve never had any discussion of gifts before. So this came out of the blue.

So, you are the AH.

OK? I think assuming a woman is going to handle something for someone else’s mother simply because she has a vagina is pretty rude, but OK.

So you match rudeness with being even more rude? And you think you're a really great person because you have a vagina?

Anonymous wrote:SIL just called me and asked me what I got for her mother—my MIL—for Christmas.

I said, “I have no idea what Jake got your mom. You should call him.” And she got huffy with me. Like…call your brother! Why would you assume I got her something? Why would I do that? I met her exactly seven years ago. Why would I be in charge of that?

Your title re a 43yo and OP statement make no sense together.

I'll bite. I got my MIL several nice items. Not because of my DH's aversion to shopping, but because I like and care about her, and it's not putting me out. She is the grandparent to our child.

I am the parent of one child, a boy.

Some day I too will be a MIL.

I hope my son marries someone more kind and thoughtful than you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is this your very first holiday together? Otherwise what did you do about this last year?

OP here. I don’t know why SIL chose this year to make this assumption; we’ve never had any discussion of gifts before. So this came out of the blue.

So, you are the AH.

OK? I think assuming a woman is going to handle something for someone else’s mother simply because she has a vagina is pretty rude, but OK.

You would know rude, so I think this case is solved.