Anonymous wrote:What is this nonsense of “I cannot verbalize this” and “I am a terrible person”? Stop with that and start telling people including your husband how you actually feel.

I have a daughter with profound special needs which is fairly similar to taking care of a person with advanced Alzheimer’s. My husband and I have been doing this for 15 years. We both know that our daughter outliving us is a nightmare because she could be institutionalized for decades. I can say to my husband, friends and even a complete stranger “I would rather my daughter die tomorrow than outlive me.” It doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m not going to actively set out to kill her. I can also say “this level of caregiving is too much, no one can sustain this for decades, and we are going to likely have to place her somewhere else by the time she is 25.” Again, I’m not a bad person. I am realistic.

Some of this problem is internal to you. You have to stop thinking there is this one set way for this to play out for you to be a “good person.” And start telling people this is hard. No one is going to be like “you are horrible.”