Haven't read the entire thread, but here in the DMV we and others are all transplants. Some friends we have known for 15+ years and are close.

Neither I or spouse ever told anyone about our out-of-town parents dying...and others have not told us about their own (only learning about some these things years after they happened). None of us are big social media people and would ever post something like this on social media.

All this to say...unless we proactively told someone about a parent dying, absolutely nobody would know.

What I've come to realize is that a lot of folks don't grasp grief and loss until they experience it themselves. I was fortunate that my mother made me, even though I felt incredibly awkward doing so at the time, call a friend and let her know that I was sorry about her dad's passing from a terminal illness. This was summer vacation during the "olden days" and not somebody I was necessarily going to see until the start of school. I was so mad at my mom in the moment, but it really helped me understand this process.

TBH, I don't think a lot of my friends were so great when I lost both parents and a sibling, but perhaps they never learned along the way. Many parents shelter their kids from death, then those kids become adults and don't want to do the "wrong thing" so they don't do anything.

May your parents' memories always be a blessing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 38 years old. I have no clue why if a friends parent dies, I would send food or flowers. You get a text or phone call but food? Flowers? Just seems odd to me. I would not expect that in return either.

You sound like a peach.

Where were people like PP raised?? How could someone have no clue? Wow.

I am 50. I had people die and nobody send flowers. My fils neighbor brought him food, which was nice. But I also don’t know about bringing food.

I am sorry for your loss.

Just want to make sure I understand-did you let them all know or expect one person to pass it on? These are close friends?

If so, I am very sorry. I would not drop them if you value other aspects of the relationship. Some people just can't go there. They can't handle hearing about it and they feel awkward, or they are just insensitive. I am just not a friend dumper unless I am unhappy in the friendship. I have friends who would totally not say anything, but we have a great time together and they are great in other areas. Sure I would be better with a death, but I am sure I fail in other areas.

Just curious, is it "not done" to do cards or flowers or something if spouses or kids die? Is parents just some optional class?
I send handwritten notes to coworkers, neighbors, whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of those people who am the opposite of OP- I’m a private person and when I’ve lost people close to me I’d rather no one acknowledge it, I like to grieve in private. Everyone handles loss differently.

I think OP is projecting her preferences and holding a grudge against her friends who may feel differently than OP about their losses. Not everyone appreciates or needs the same things.

OP I know it’s hard but I think your disappointment is misdirected grief.

Not acknowledging an old friends loss, even in some small way such as with a sympathy card or a modest donation, shows a lack of manners and good breeding and as I get older, I realize how important being raised well is to me. I don’t mean wealthy, but with a fair amount of decency and thoughtfulness for others. It seems our society has devolved into chaos in so many ways, and poor behavior is excused

I used to think like you but times have changed.

I'd take a text or a facebook message over SILENCE.

Im so sorry for your losses, OP.

think most people are incredibly selfish and self involved. I always make sure to at least send a card when a friend or even an acquaintance experiences the loss of someone close to them or is going through a hard time. It’s not that difficult for me—-I keep a box of sympathy/thinking of you cards and some stamps ready at all times and it takes me about 5-10 mins to write a nice note and put it in the mail drop box down the street. Doing this is not much effort or time or expense for me but typically means a lot to the recipient since so few people do this anymore.

Even a text or phone call is better than nothing at all. My MIL is dying and I sent a text to my parents and siblings and their spouses (all of whom have met/spent time w my MIL and have known her/my husband for 20+ years) to let them know that my husband would love to receive texts w words of support (I’m thinking of you. So sorry for what you’re going through. Etc) and one person, my sister in law sent him a text. I didn’t tell my husband i was doing that and he certainly didn’t ask me to (he would never…)but I’m so disappointed that my parents and my brothers can’t be bothered. 😕 it’s so easy to be kind.

Anonymous wrote:

Are you guys saying that you send a card for every acquaintance you know if their parent dies?

Yeah, as if you even know when some acquaintance's parent has passed away.

Also wanted to say that at our age, people have their own families (DH and often adult kids) to rely on in such matters, it's not the single 20s where we'd expect more emotional support from friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 38 years old. I have no clue why if a friends parent dies, I would send food or flowers. You get a text or phone call but food? Flowers? Just seems odd to me. I would not expect that in return either.

You sound like a peach.

I agree with PP. I don't want to eat your homemade lasagna because my parent died. Flowers are a lovely gesture but I would never expect them. Call or text is all I need. Ok, a text. I don't want to make small talk while grieving.

I’m at that age where all our parents are dying.

For my very close friends, I go to the funeral and I help them with food when people come back to their houses.

For a few other people, I might go to the funeral.

Unless you’re a really close friend and I live very far away and I can’t make the funeral. I’m not sending for hours or a card.

Are you guys saying that you send a card for every acquaintance you know if their parent dies?

I'm with some PPs who say you have to reach out yourself with first of all, announcing that your parent/sibling has passed and perhaps indeed, have a designated person to say what kind of help you need. It doesn't make any sense to not tell anyone and then be resentful and angry and live in your imaginary expectations world. I'm at the age where a lot of friends parents die, it's normal (old age) and we don't do anything special for each other. I mostly never knew their parents and oftentimes the relationships are complicated, as we get to know on this board. If someone reaches out, as a good friend would, then sure, I'll do my share. But if someone tells me 1/2 year later their parent has passed away, there's not much I can do. And it's true, until you have lost your own parent/sibling, you don't really pay attention to this. Kind of like with a birth of a child.

OP these are your friends or your parent’s friends who did nothing?

A good friend’s mom passed over COVID. I had just met her once, at my friend’s wedding, so could not have picked her out of a lineup. I sent my friend a condolence text, then when l saw them a few months later l gave them an orchid and card. I don’t send snail mail - just once in a blue moon. Do l pass your friend test?

Anonymous wrote:Oh they call themselves ‘good’ friends. I’ve just realized they’re rather self involved and thoughtless, in other areas as well. It’s no longer something I feel like I want to tolerate and shows a lack of manners

I am of two minds about this - having lost a parent almost two years ago.

I think most people who haven’t lost a parent just don’t get it. They aren’t deliberately rude. It’s merely a “oh, I’m so sorry, thinking of you” text, and then back to whatever else what going on in their lives. And maybe a conversation when they meet up.

My friends who had lost a parent did reach out - even if it was just via text the day of the funeral, a few days after etc. And I realized I had kinda sucked when their parent(s) had passed away.

But also, a few of the friends who just didn’t do much at all, have turned out to be emotional vampires. I just didn’t really notice until my father’s passing really made me realize these friends were very self-centered and would never be anything but.

Time will tell with these friends.

How old are the people that send flowers and food? Seems like a dated thing to do upon finding out someone has died.