Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different perspective, but I am a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced the year after I graduated from college; my brother was still in college. I would say the optimal time is either when kids are too young to remember or after they graduate college/are out of the house, IF you and your spouse are able to live together cordially. Even as a 20something, living on my own, I was surprised how much the divorce affected me. I would not do that to a middle/high schooler or even a college student if possible. In hindsight, not seeing my mom working through her own anger/grief/etc was a gift. That said, my brother did not fare as well as me - he witnessed bad behavior from my dad as a high schooler and it has impacted their relationship ever since. So basically, if you are able to act as adults until your kids are gone, that’s ideal, but if there is abuse, adultery, etc, the calculation is different.

I agree that divorcing when kids leave for college or while they are there can be horrible. It’s such a transitional time and they are looking for that stability at home while everything else is different/change. It really had a bad effect on my freshmen college roommate when her parents announced they were divorcing that first year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 and 4. Awful

OP here. Would you have waited? At 2 and 4 they don't fully understand it, just that mommy and daddy are not in the same house? When (if they did (recover)?

I divorced when my kids were 18 mos. and 5 y.o. Best decision ever to do it you g. The younger kid has no memory of living with Dad - in part because he's so young but in part because Dad never took any custody, so no overnights. It makes me a bit sad that younger one never had a live in Dad, but Dad was not a responsible person so, I have been happy to avoid the effects of living with Dad, which likely would have been substance abuse and mental illness.

Older one was definitely heartbroken at the split. Dad did come to visit and have dinner with them 3x a weekend and one weekend day to play, so I think once that pattern was stabilized it affected her less.

In my case, the Dad was a bad guy (no physical abuse though). So, there really wasn't a choice about staying longer until it would be "better" to divorce. It was important to get out quickly and establish a healthy household so that they could at least have 50% normal healthy life. I am glad I did it early so that by MS & HS, the kids were very stable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 and 4. Awful

OP here. Would you have waited? At 2 and 4 they don't fully understand it, just that mommy and daddy are not in the same house? When (if they did (recover)?

Anonymous wrote:Different perspective, but I am a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced the year after I graduated from college; my brother was still in college. I would say the optimal time is either when kids are too young to remember or after they graduate college/are out of the house, IF you and your spouse are able to live together cordially. Even as a 20something, living on my own, I was surprised how much the divorce affected me. I would not do that to a middle/high schooler or even a college student if possible. In hindsight, not seeing my mom working through her own anger/grief/etc was a gift. That said, my brother did not fare as well as me - he witnessed bad behavior from my dad as a high schooler and it has impacted their relationship ever since. So basically, if you are able to act as adults until your kids are gone, that’s ideal, but if there is abuse, adultery, etc, the calculation is different.

Anonymous wrote:Different perspective, but I am a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced the year after I graduated from college; my brother was still in college. I would say the optimal time is either when kids are too young to remember or after they graduate college/are out of the house, IF you and your spouse are able to live together cordially. Even as a 20something, living on my own, I was surprised how much the divorce affected me. I would not do that to a middle/high schooler or even a college student if possible. In hindsight, not seeing my mom working through her own anger/grief/etc was a gift. That said, my brother did not fare as well as me - he witnessed bad behavior from my dad as a high schooler and it has impacted their relationship ever since. So basically, if you are able to act as adults until your kids are gone, that’s ideal, but if there is abuse, adultery, etc, the calculation is different.

4 and 6 and it went soooo much better than I expected. I wish I would have done it years earlier instead of being miserable.

Anonymous wrote:This is a silly question. If you have a dysfunctional marriage - whether there’s conflict, emotional harm, leading separate lives, whatever - the kids are going to be harmed. They are learning dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors, at least from one parent and usually both. Divorce can ameliorate a tense or difficult living situation, and possibly make a parent a better parent, both of which could be beneficial to the kids. These are the things that need to be considered when considering the best interest of the kids, not just their age.

Anonymous wrote:I do not have personal experience with this in my family, but I can say that as a college professor I have seen how parental divorce affects my students ranging from 18 to grad school and it can be very sad and have huge impacts. I think it is largely true that it depends on the specific situation and specific kid but I also think it's a significant misconception to say "wait until they're out of the house and it's going to be easier." I actually think many kids would do better to have a year to acclimate before being blindsided that their home "wasn't real" and they can never come back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

OP here. Thank you. They were both in high school. If you had to do over again what age would you divorce for less impact (if possible)?

I would have divorced again, yes.

I didn’t divorce earlier despite wanting to because I feared the courts would be biased against me as a father in terms of custody and I wasn’t willing to give up daily contact with my children.

As it happened when we divorced we had 50/50 on paper but both teens effectively lived with me and visited their mother sometimes. This was for a variety of reasons.

Parenting two teenage girls essentially alone (ex-wife tried to be the cool parent, leaving me the only disciplinarian willing to set boundaries) was no picnic. Now they’re both in college and I am an empty nester. It’s gratifying to see them grow and be independent and need me less, although neither is particularly thrilled that I moved a lady I connected with into the house (after two years of dating) and now plan to marry. This is what I mean by residual negative effects.

I never told them many details about why we divorced (she cheated), which was another wedge. One of them demanded to know and i couldn’t figure out a way to tell her without having it sound like i was disparaging her mother, so I refused to discuss it and told her to ask her mother instead. Her mother, evidently, blamed the divorce on me, saying I was emotionally unavailable and so on.

Fun times.

Anonymous wrote:1) This question is actually best for a wife swath of adult children of divorce, not divorced parents.
2) While there is no good age, some worthwhile notes in here about bad ages (ie freshman year of college)
3) It’s really and truly about how you navigate the post-divorce relationship with your former spouse, not the age of the kids. If one of you moves far away, trash talks the other parent, hops into a new relationship, shoves a “blended family” down the kids’ throat, can’t be civil at school and family events - the impact will be bad at any age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

OP here. Thank you. They were both in high school. If you had to do over again what age would you divorce for less impact (if possible)?

I would have divorced again, yes.

I didn’t divorce earlier despite wanting to because I feared the courts would be biased against me as a father in terms of custody and I wasn’t willing to give up daily contact with my children.

As it happened when we divorced we had 50/50 on paper but both teens effectively lived with me and visited their mother sometimes. This was for a variety of reasons.

Parenting two teenage girls essentially alone (ex-wife tried to be the cool parent, leaving me the only disciplinarian willing to set boundaries) was no picnic. Now they’re both in college and I am an empty nester. It’s gratifying to see them grow and be independent and need me less, although neither is particularly thrilled that I moved a lady I connected with into the house (after two years of dating) and now plan to marry. This is what I mean by residual negative effects.

I never told them many details about why we divorced (she cheated), which was another wedge. One of them demanded to know and i couldn’t figure out a way to tell her without having it sound like i was disparaging her mother, so I refused to discuss it and told her to ask her mother instead. Her mother, evidently, blamed the divorce on me, saying I was emotionally unavailable and so on.

Fun times.