Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

Planning includes decluttering, downsizing, maybe moving into a senior apartment, basically simplifying things and getting affairs in order so that adult children are not left with a huge mess to deal with when elderly parents become incapacitated or pass away. If more parents did this while they are still young and with-it enough to do so, it would make a world of difference. But unfortunately, people put it off, thinking they're going to live forever, and insist on staying in their homes until they die, even when they're no longer able to maintain their homes or live safely in them.

We are in our sixties and seventies, my husband and I, and we did just this, basically Japanese death planning to spare our children of the task. The exception is we moved into a first floor main living house with two guest rooms/suites not the upper level. We still have the gardening/yard my DH loves to work in and room for our visiting family. We consolidated every single thing to the point that our clothing is seasonally cleaned out when not worn, nothing in the storage area of the garage or attic other than yard tools and all of our paper work is updated on a yearly basis with our accountant/lawyer. I never want to do to my children what both of our parents put us through in their later years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.

You can choose to be a martyr. The rest of us are choosing not to.

lol decluttering your parents house is the farthest thing from martyrdom. Your life must be super soft and sheltered if making some trips to Goodwill is like being burned at the stake or fed to the lions to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.

If it was just a matter of some tirps to goodwill on a weekend, you did not have to declutter much at all. That's a weekend project.

You can choose to be a martyr. The rest of us are choosing not to.

lol decluttering your parents house is the farthest thing from martyrdom. Your life must be super soft and sheltered if making some trips to Goodwill is like being burned at the stake or fed to the lions to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how would you have had them plan? I'm sorry to push this at a sad time, but how do you say, at a cognitively clear moment, "mom, you're moving out next spring before you can't remember that you need to move out"? And then you would have executed that plan?

Planning includes decluttering, downsizing, maybe moving into a senior apartment, basically simplifying things and getting affairs in order so that adult children are not left with a huge mess to deal with when elderly parents become incapacitated or pass away. If more parents did this while they are still young and with-it enough to do so, it would make a world of difference. But unfortunately, people put it off, thinking they're going to live forever, and insist on staying in their homes until they die, even when they're no longer able to maintain their homes or live safely in them.

Anonymous wrote:

In retrospect, I had tremendous anger towards my mother - she got increasingly more entitled in her final years- demanding my time, attention and service to her - even criticizing me that I was “too concerned” (her words) about my own college bound DC and that I worked too much.

My takeaway was - where was this interest in me as a teenager/college student/newlywed? Not there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

I was one of those kids that got to clean up after a shitty alcoholic father who got drunk and pissed in our bedrooms when we were children so arguably I have already done my time. Why would I do it again? I wasn’t parented. Do I still
Owe them?

Oh wow your parents weren’t perfect? That’s too bad, my parents were absolutely perfect in every way, that’s the only reason I feel any gratitude to them. Obviously if your parents aren’t perfect then it’s perfectly proper to crap on them in their old age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

I was one of those kids that got to clean up after a shitty alcoholic father who got drunk and pissed in our bedrooms when we were children so arguably I have already done my time. Why would I do it again? I wasn’t parented. Do I still
Owe them?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.

You can choose to be a martyr. The rest of us are choosing not to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some of you insist on ill intent for everything? I sincerely doubt most parents are trying to dump on their kids by not preparing as you’d like. Maybe they thought they had time? Or any other numerous explanations?

Life is complicated and messy and doesn’t always go as we’d wish.

The derision towards the elderly on here, and in society generally, is just so gross. That’s gonna be you one day.

That's the point. We all know this and are trying to anticipate this so our kids don't have to go through the same. How do you not understand this? Or are you an old person in cognitive decline? And just generally angry?

It is you who fail to understand that the millennial "ME ME ME!" cancer that has infected your generation has shown the world the greatest concentration of selfishness ever.

Nope you should have been making plans instead of watching bob barker

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!

Repayment goes by taking care of your own kids, not cleaning out tons of s* that has been sitting somewhere for 40 years! You should face your s* yourself, or are all the memories so unpleasant you cannot put your hand to them?!

Taking care of your own kids does not “repay” your parents for anything. That’s something you did for yourself. I’m going to keep what I want to keep to make my life pleasant and enjoyable, as is my right, even though my kids won’t want much if any of it.

I’ve cleaned out two full sized houses of parental stuff while feeling sad and while having kids under five. It was hard work but so what. I do not wish I could go back in time and scold and hector them like a jerk - “hey you’re gonna die soon, could you please get rid of all your sh*t, thx”. When they were alive I focused on enjoying the remaining time with them not being a selfish d!ck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the failure to prepare and the idea that they’ll live forever that grinds my gears - that a the expectation that the kids will handle it all.

No - not in the midst of grief when you are already up to your eyeballs in literal paperwork - filing taxes, collecting mail, submitting death certificates, paying bills, managing the estate. Don’t forget planning a funeral/burial/service. All of these things became my part time job.

They "handled it all" for you on the front end from when you were born to age 18 (and maybe longer) and now that you're a fully capable adult you have to repay them for a much shorter period of time. Poor you!