Anonymous
10/17/2024 16:23
Subject: Re:I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
For mine, it ended up just being a smart, highly-sensitive kid. No diagnosis.
One thing I wish I understood better at the time is that with a highly-sensitive kid, sometimes being strict or using tactics like Magic 123 with counting down to a consequence actually make it worse. Every time I tried to get stricter, the dynamic with my two year old would just absolutely spiral and she'd completely lose it, so I'd think oh I need to be even tougher because she's pushing back on the rules.
No... what I understand now is that she actually needed rule setting and a lot, a lot of hugs and tenderness. That giving her space to cool off away from me followed by warmth and connection is actually what defused the behaviors.
I have a lot of regret I didn't figure this out sooner.
One thing I wish I understood better at the time is that with a highly-sensitive kid, sometimes being strict or using tactics like Magic 123 with counting down to a consequence actually make it worse. Every time I tried to get stricter, the dynamic with my two year old would just absolutely spiral and she'd completely lose it, so I'd think oh I need to be even tougher because she's pushing back on the rules.
No... what I understand now is that she actually needed rule setting and a lot, a lot of hugs and tenderness. That giving her space to cool off away from me followed by warmth and connection is actually what defused the behaviors.
I have a lot of regret I didn't figure this out sooner.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 15:41
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Food allergies. They’re different than what most people think.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 14:06
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
First off a 2 year old should not be expected to go to a restaurant and sit down quietly and eat nicely. That is just not what 2 year olds do. If you want to go out to eat, be ready to entertain her. That’s normal for that age.
Secondly, you need to get her sleeping better. Also check her diet for unnecessary sugar.
I would recommend leaving her with your husband for an extra long weekend and taking your older daughter somewhere fun. He’ll be good for a while because he’ll just give her whatever she wants. But that will only last so long because at a certain point, she’ll get overtired/stimulated and it’ll be on him to deal with. Until you get him on board with dealing with her behavior, it will never get better.
Secondly, you need to get her sleeping better. Also check her diet for unnecessary sugar.
I would recommend leaving her with your husband for an extra long weekend and taking your older daughter somewhere fun. He’ll be good for a while because he’ll just give her whatever she wants. But that will only last so long because at a certain point, she’ll get overtired/stimulated and it’ll be on him to deal with. Until you get him on board with dealing with her behavior, it will never get better.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 13:13
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Where is your husband? Dad needs to lay down the law.
OP. He has a crazy schedule and is either not home in the morning, in the evening, or both.
He also gives in. That’s honestly a big part of the problem. She’s horribly behaved around him because she knows he’ll give in. Even the nanny has noticed DD behaves differently if it’s just me vs if H is home.
I can’t really count on him to hold boundaries. From the beginning I told him we needed to sleep train her and he refused, so now she’ll only sleep if daddy holds her and sits in a specific chair. When she wakes up in her own bed she gets upset. I’ve tried discussing sleep training with him and he won’t.
Hi OP, I posted before about PCIT and Dan Shapiro. I would RUN to one of those, particularly PCIT with your husband. Your husband doing it with you is crucial. I know that might seem impossible but pull out the "big guns" (pardon that kind of terrible saying), make it a non-negationable. You all have a tough kid and it is tough to parent a high needs kid and you HAVE to learn some tools together. It will only get harder the bigger and stronger she gets. It's impossible of course of this forum to tell if there is something underlying or if it is behavioral based on a variety of factors. It could easily be either. But at this point it actually doesn't matter as much as getting some good parent coaching TOGETHER. Because from ages 0-4 and even much past that, the best intervention is working with the parents. not becuase you're necessarily doing something wrong (though I agree with you on the sleep training!) but because you absolutely need more tools and support to be consistent and parent the child you have.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 12:43
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Also you might want to explore your feelings about your sister and how your parents parented her. It seems like it is coloring your relationship with your daughter.
Tantrums are very normal at her age, especially if she is being taken to places that are not age appropriate because of the age gap you have between the two kids. Some kids throw tantrums very easily if they are tired, hungry, or bored. Some kids just having annoying PITA ages. A 2 year old having tons of of tantrums in no way means anything about who she will be as an adult or even what she will be like next year or the year after. Kids change so much.
Tantrums are very normal at her age, especially if she is being taken to places that are not age appropriate because of the age gap you have between the two kids. Some kids throw tantrums very easily if they are tired, hungry, or bored. Some kids just having annoying PITA ages. A 2 year old having tons of of tantrums in no way means anything about who she will be as an adult or even what she will be like next year or the year after. Kids change so much.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 12:38
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Where is your husband? Dad needs to lay down the law.
OP. He has a crazy schedule and is either not home in the morning, in the evening, or both.
He also gives in. That’s honestly a big part of the problem. She’s horribly behaved around him because she knows he’ll give in. Even the nanny has noticed DD behaves differently if it’s just me vs if H is home.
I can’t really count on him to hold boundaries. From the beginning I told him we needed to sleep train her and he refused, so now she’ll only sleep if daddy holds her and sits in a specific chair. When she wakes up in her own bed she gets upset. I’ve tried discussing sleep training with him and he won’t.
He can't be totally absentee AND also making all the decisions. Tell him to pick one.
Well-said. Consistency is EXTREMELY important for strong-willed children, so this is likely the route of your problem rather than a diagnosis. I would insist on parent coaching or marriage counseling or this will not get better. You have to be on the same page.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 12:34
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
With your older daughter, she might have enjoyed following rules, routines, and people pleasing.
Younger daughter does not enjoy these things, so she likely won't naturally enjoy behaving and will not "see" routines and therefore having her follow one will take a lot of work. Easy parenting works for easy kids. It does not with hard kids. Start with OT blogs/Instagrams and incorporate tips from them. Things like a visual schedule that clearly shows her what the daily schedule is can help. Don't expect miracles, this will be a slow and infinite process.
Setting yourself up for success is key. Don't try to please the 8 year old and the 2 year old at the same time. Just because "some" 2 year olds can handle restaurants doesn't mean yours can or will. Instead of saying "she's bad in restaurants," say "I haven't taught her the skills to understand how to behave in a restaurant" and/or "she does not have the mental maturity yet to handle it and that's okay." If she does have hyperactive ADHD, her maturity will always lag.
Make sure the nanny is doing tons of "heavy work" or big movements with her during the day. She needs to exhaust her body and brain to regulate. Swinging, pulling heavy things around, a long bedtime routine, lots of exercise, no screen time (or none anywhere near bedtime), helping her memorize preschool material, etc.
I would definitely do preschool, just to help her work on her social skills early and have teachers help you identify what's going on. If the nanny just hangs out at home or the same park every day that isn't going to be enough.
Definitely do evaluations because then you know what OT strategies, etc. to apply but you might start with tips for sensory seeking and/or hyperactive ADHD based on what you've said.
Younger daughter does not enjoy these things, so she likely won't naturally enjoy behaving and will not "see" routines and therefore having her follow one will take a lot of work. Easy parenting works for easy kids. It does not with hard kids. Start with OT blogs/Instagrams and incorporate tips from them. Things like a visual schedule that clearly shows her what the daily schedule is can help. Don't expect miracles, this will be a slow and infinite process.
Setting yourself up for success is key. Don't try to please the 8 year old and the 2 year old at the same time. Just because "some" 2 year olds can handle restaurants doesn't mean yours can or will. Instead of saying "she's bad in restaurants," say "I haven't taught her the skills to understand how to behave in a restaurant" and/or "she does not have the mental maturity yet to handle it and that's okay." If she does have hyperactive ADHD, her maturity will always lag.
Make sure the nanny is doing tons of "heavy work" or big movements with her during the day. She needs to exhaust her body and brain to regulate. Swinging, pulling heavy things around, a long bedtime routine, lots of exercise, no screen time (or none anywhere near bedtime), helping her memorize preschool material, etc.
I would definitely do preschool, just to help her work on her social skills early and have teachers help you identify what's going on. If the nanny just hangs out at home or the same park every day that isn't going to be enough.
Definitely do evaluations because then you know what OT strategies, etc. to apply but you might start with tips for sensory seeking and/or hyperactive ADHD based on what you've said.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 12:02
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Stop comparing her older child. It’s not productive.
I would start with the worst habits and work on changing those with consistent consequences.
Using your restaurant example, she should be in a high chair or booster seat at the table. Did you have things for her to do while waiting for food? Container of playdoh, coloring stuff, fidget toys, cut up fruit to snack on while waiting for food?
I actually took my kid out of a restaurant at 2/3 for misbehaving. I made her sit on the ground outside the door for a timeout after a warning then we went back in.
Some kids are more strong willed, stubborn than others. These are the ones that need the most consistency.
I would start with the worst habits and work on changing those with consistent consequences.
Using your restaurant example, she should be in a high chair or booster seat at the table. Did you have things for her to do while waiting for food? Container of playdoh, coloring stuff, fidget toys, cut up fruit to snack on while waiting for food?
I actually took my kid out of a restaurant at 2/3 for misbehaving. I made her sit on the ground outside the door for a timeout after a warning then we went back in.
Some kids are more strong willed, stubborn than others. These are the ones that need the most consistency.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 11:52
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Anonymous wrote:I get that it’s hard but first, you need to temper your expectations. Many 2 year olds would not be able to sit still and behave at a restaurant.
This. I think two things can be true here. The child is exceptionally difficult, and op’s expectations are off. I have very easy, well-behaved kids, and no way in heck could we have a peaceful meal in a restaurant when either of them were 2yo. I was a SAHM when my kids were little, and with both I hit a breaking point when they were 18m old where I was looking at PT daycare for them.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 11:52
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. You’re going to get a lot of bad advice here from parents who haven’t had a child like this.
My 3 year old is just like yours except her sleep is even worse (woke 40+ times a night until 18 months, still can’t sleep independently, extremely low sleep needs, etc.). We’ve had her evaluated and have taken her to every medical specialist since she was a baby to try to figure out why she’s so difficult: ENT, neurologist, sleep clinic, pediatric dentist for ties, GI, allergist, developmental pediatrician, the list just goes on. There is nothing medically wrong with her. She’s just very smart and highly sensitive. That’s it. Some kids are just very hard, and it’s not the fault of your parenting, although of course your parenting can help a bit or make things harder.
The only thing that has helped me is taking breaks. We sent to part time preschool earlier than planned, and it’s been amazing for her to have the extra stimulus and for me to have breaks. My husband and I also split the really hard things like bedtime and transitions out of the house because those were making me nuts. And there are some things we just avoid because the meltdowns aren’t worth it, like certain parks and activities.
Look into low demand parenting. Hold iron clad on boundaries that are important to you. Always give unequivocal apologies to her when you’ve yelled or been too harsh. Physically step away and shut a door for a few minutes when you feel you’re going to yell, and tell her why: “I am getting very upset right now and need some space to calm down. I’ll come out in 3 minutes.”
I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for instant fixes. Twenty-33 months was the absolute hardest for us, and it’s being better. There are other families struggling through this, I promise.
Just because your child's doctors didn't find anything doesn't mean OP should not go through the same process you did -- her child may actually have a treatable issue.
I regret spending all that time trying to figure out was “wrong” instead of focusing on coping strategies. So no, I don’t think OP should necessarily drive herself insane trying to “solve” it the way I did.
OP, I also wasn’t on Facebook before, and I joined specifically so I could join a group called “Spirited Child Support for Parents of Intense, Sensitive, Big-Feeling Kids”. Go join. You will feel such a relief just seeing all the similar struggles, and you can get real help.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 11:42
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
I posted earlier about my child who no has a diagnosis and I can also relate to having a difficult sibling and the fears that my kid will end up like that. My brother was diagnosed with the same condition as my kid but not until adulthood. He didn’t get the help my kid is getting and his life is not great. He’s unpleasant a lot and has lost a lot of opportunities as a result. I am so so determined to give my kid the best possible shot at a different life, and I think we are succeeding at least so far. Early diagnosis and expert help can go a long way. I really encourage you to not give up on your two year old. My challenging child is now a strong willed but funny and kind preteen. Good luck!
Anonymous
10/17/2024 11:42
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
I get that it’s hard but first, you need to temper your expectations. Many 2 year olds would not be able to sit still and behave at a restaurant.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 11:33
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Where is your husband? Dad needs to lay down the law.
OP. He has a crazy schedule and is either not home in the morning, in the evening, or both.
He also gives in. That’s honestly a big part of the problem. She’s horribly behaved around him because she knows he’ll give in. Even the nanny has noticed DD behaves differently if it’s just me vs if H is home.
I can’t really count on him to hold boundaries. From the beginning I told him we needed to sleep train her and he refused, so now she’ll only sleep if daddy holds her and sits in a specific chair. When she wakes up in her own bed she gets upset. I’ve tried discussing sleep training with him and he won’t.
He can't be totally absentee AND also making all the decisions. Tell him to pick one.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 11:32
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Anonymous wrote:Op. Thanks for the advice and kind words everyone.
I was feeling especially down over it this morning. I woke up early to workout, because I haven’t worked out since DD2 was born and early AM is the only time I can. And of course within 5 minutes DD woke up and was crying. The blanket wasn’t right. The pillow wasn’t right. Her stuffie wasn’t right. She wanted daddy. So I didn’t get to work out.
Just feels hopeless and like I’ll never get back to having a balanced life.
Start with being able to say no. If it's before her wake up time do not go to her. Go do your workout and use earplugs if necessary. It's going to be tougher now because she's already 2, this would have been a lot easier to do when she was younger. Sounds like she was never properly sleep trained?
My 2 year also is also a light sleeper and wakes up if we are up early and there is noise in the house. But he has the ability to self-sooth and either go back to sleep or lie quietly in his room until we get him at his regular wake up time. And no, he's not a dream / easy child, he has exhibited similar behaviors as your daughter at an earlier age, but we held boundaries and stamped it out.
Anonymous
10/17/2024 11:29
Subject: I really, REALLY dislike my 2 year old
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Where is your husband? Dad needs to lay down the law.
OP. He has a crazy schedule and is either not home in the morning, in the evening, or both.
He also gives in. That’s honestly a big part of the problem. She’s horribly behaved around him because she knows he’ll give in. Even the nanny has noticed DD behaves differently if it’s just me vs if H is home.
I can’t really count on him to hold boundaries. From the beginning I told him we needed to sleep train her and he refused, so now she’ll only sleep if daddy holds her and sits in a specific chair. When she wakes up in her own bed she gets upset. I’ve tried discussing sleep training with him and he won’t.
Sounds like he needs to be the one responsible for when she wakes up and causes a fuss, then. You disappear to a guest room with white noise - take your older daughter with you. See how quick he changes his tune.