Just want to echo that #1 and #2 do keep schools on point so you can be consciously be the sane and rational parent who can schedule an appt and then have a good, focused, and respectful conversation with Admin and brainstorm ideas that help your kid. If you volunteer occasionally and contribute to the Annual Fund consistently (It does not have to be a huge amount) and judiciously contact the school, you are in the sweet spot at private schools IMO.

Both private and public schools in the DMV have this dynamic, with plenty of parents who fall into both categories; it is only a matter of degree. Our friends in Montgomery and Loudon counties have confirmed that and our experience in an affluent DC school district in the younger years did as well. It's definitely amped up in private school but as the years ho by, the parents often self-select.

Now that our child is older and notices the differences in values and outlook among the student body, we use it as a point to emphasize what we value without denigrating others. In the end, the kids end up finding their people so it is fine.

When it comes time for colleges, we know where some of the legacies lie and we also know the colleges and universities where students from our school often attend. We will just chat with the counselors and say, "Here's our list. Help us rank where you think our DD may have better chances of success because of how crazy the admissions process can be based on any number of factors, including legacies, only admitting so many kids from this region etc."

We chose to send our child to an independent school so that she learns and both enjoys and respects the educational process. If she does not get into a specific Ivy or SLAC because 2 kids in her class with lower grades have uber wealthy parents and/or are alums, so be it. That is life, and the world is not fair. DD received a good education and made some good friends along the way. Congratulations! She will still attend a good university. Just my 2 cents. YMMV.

#1 will be miserable for your kid unless you are one of those parents so I would not do this unless I too had the money and status to ensure my kid would have all the same opportunities. Being a "scrappy" parent in the #1 environment will be embarrassing for a lot of kids.

#2 could definitely be annoying especially if people are super competitive but my experience is that in a place like that there is some variation and it's easier for both the kid and the parents to find "their people." Even if there are prominent voices who are ultra competitive and getting their kids into everything and obsessing about college you will find people who aren't as intense if that's your jam. And the students in that environment will be a lot more diverse in terms of personality and life goals and that's so much better for kids regardless of their strengths and weaknesses.

So for me and my kid I'd choose #2 because I know we aren't super wealthy and don't come from money and I wouldn't want to spend years as the family on the outside looking in. It would be mildly annoying for me but potentially miserable for my kid.

You can't really escape either in the DMV privates. Silver lining to both is that they tend to keep school accountable so I don't have to. Uber weathy make sure the facilities are nice, helicopters complain about anything that would ever even slightly bug me so I don't have to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't fool yourselves, there are plenty of #1 parents who are also competitive about education. They just have the VIP connections to pull them behind the scenes - they know the low rigor high tutor pathway their child needs to get grades high enough for the college to feel ok about the stats to include them in the legacy or VIP admits.

DP. This. It is quite sad for their kids though at some point they will realize that their entire life was based on their parents connections staring with getting them into the preschool on. Often you will see kids with subpar grades and/or very subpar personalties - with absolutely no charisma end up getting into top schools or top internships because of their parents connections but I think it does catch up with them eventually because at some point mommy and daddy's connections mean nothing. At some point they can't get any further and those connections do not work anymore at a certain level.

Glad my kids got into their schools based on their merit and no connections. 100 percent their own grades etc...

To be honest - I'm not sure this actually catches up. It's a different world for these families.

+1, sure, as adults these kids might plateau earlier than their higher-performing peers, but by investing a ton into them and positioning them strategically, their parents are setting them up so that they land somewhere respectable and will at least be able to remain comfortable.

Anonymous wrote:Many minority parents wanted their kids to attend our local schools because they felt that their kids would benefit academically and behaviorally by socializing and studying with kids of helicopter dads and tiger moms. Many majority parents wanted to take their kids out because they felt their kids wouldn't be able to keep up academically and not rank well.

The problem is never the parents. The problem is disruptive and poor performing kids. Why would anyone want to attract those kinds of children.

I love, love, love the Helicopter parents. Why? Because they are the quality assurance experts. They make everyone do their jobs and they make life easier for everyone - even the checked out "cuckoo" parents. I am their biggest supporter.

I am a nuclear submarine parent - stealthy prepared with aces up my sleeve. I don't draw attention and I do not publicize anything, and I am single-mindedly devoted to getting and creating the best opportunities for my children - regardless of how turbulent the sea is.

Anonymous wrote:100% “helicopter” parents. Also known as involved parents.

Involved is a spectrum; helicopter is at the unhealthy end of the spectrum.

Both exist at most independent schools and parents often self-select their social group as the years go by.

+1 for Kids from multigenerational, uber wealthy families often operate on a different level of norms and expectations. Kids really notice this beginning in middle school. As long as everyone is civil, it is fine. Kids will choose who they wish to befriend and parents will do what they do.

We always emphasis that being part of a community means you are polite to everyone.

My advice: Go with the school that seems like the best fit for your kid and aim to be the parent who is friendly and approachable. The rest will sort itself out.

Anonymous wrote:Many minority parents wanted their kids to attend our local schools because they felt that their kids would benefit academically and behaviorally by socializing and studying with kids of helicopter dads and tiger moms. Many majority parents wanted to take their kids out because they felt their kids wouldn't be able to keep up academically and not rank well.

You are gross.

100% “helicopter” parents. Also known as involved parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't fool yourselves, there are plenty of #1 parents who are also competitive about education. They just have the VIP connections to pull them behind the scenes - they know the low rigor high tutor pathway their child needs to get grades high enough for the college to feel ok about the stats to include them in the legacy or VIP admits.

DP. This. It is quite sad for their kids though at some point they will realize that their entire life was based on their parents connections staring with getting them into the preschool on. Often you will see kids with subpar grades and/or very subpar personalties - with absolutely no charisma end up getting into top schools or top internships because of their parents connections but I think it does catch up with them eventually because at some point mommy and daddy's connections mean nothing. At some point they can't get any further and those connections do not work anymore at a certain level.

Glad my kids got into their schools based on their merit and no connections. 100 percent their own grades etc...

To be honest - I'm not sure this actually catches up. It's a different world for these families.

I dunno, have you ever read some of the books on the WASPs? Not a ton of happy stories there.

I guess I'll see (or not, if don't ever run into them again) how the dust settles for the ones we knew landed at HYP only on parental power. I somehow think they will be fine. Maybe they won't get top grades but they will be connected again for a job when they get out. And they will always have a trust fund so they can pursue whatever they want.

Many minority parents wanted their kids to attend our local schools because they felt that their kids would benefit academically and behaviorally by socializing and studying with kids of helicopter dads and tiger moms. Many majority parents wanted to take their kids out because they felt their kids wouldn't be able to keep up academically and not rank well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't fool yourselves, there are plenty of #1 parents who are also competitive about education. They just have the VIP connections to pull them behind the scenes - they know the low rigor high tutor pathway their child needs to get grades high enough for the college to feel ok about the stats to include them in the legacy or VIP admits.

DP. This. It is quite sad for their kids though at some point they will realize that their entire life was based on their parents connections staring with getting them into the preschool on. Often you will see kids with subpar grades and/or very subpar personalties - with absolutely no charisma end up getting into top schools or top internships because of their parents connections but I think it does catch up with them eventually because at some point mommy and daddy's connections mean nothing. At some point they can't get any further and those connections do not work anymore at a certain level.

Glad my kids got into their schools based on their merit and no connections. 100 percent their own grades etc...

To be honest - I'm not sure this actually catches up. It's a different world for these families.

I dunno, have you ever read some of the books on the WASPs? Not a ton of happy stories there.

Anonymous wrote:2 distinct parent profiles are over represented at certain schools we are looking at.

(1) Very wealthy couples, often with family money, who outsource everything and remain slightly detached from their kids. Have a lot of money so not hyperfocused on school, but definitely still want the kids to get into good colleges (which they will especially with their connections). Competitive about money and status.

(2) Scrappy, invested parents, who manage every aspect of kids lives and are very involved with parenting. Still rich but not generational wealth. Competitive about parenting and their kid’s success.


Which group would be more annoying to be around long term?

I prefer a good mix as all sort of kids and parents offer different kind benefits to their community. However, a school benefits most from families who value their kids and their education. They raise collective bargaining, compared to families where parents want school to do parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't fool yourselves, there are plenty of #1 parents who are also competitive about education. They just have the VIP connections to pull them behind the scenes - they know the low rigor high tutor pathway their child needs to get grades high enough for the college to feel ok about the stats to include them in the legacy or VIP admits.

DP. This. It is quite sad for their kids though at some point they will realize that their entire life was based on their parents connections staring with getting them into the preschool on. Often you will see kids with subpar grades and/or very subpar personalties - with absolutely no charisma end up getting into top schools or top internships because of their parents connections but I think it does catch up with them eventually because at some point mommy and daddy's connections mean nothing. At some point they can't get any further and those connections do not work anymore at a certain level.

Glad my kids got into their schools based on their merit and no connections. 100 percent their own grades etc...

To be honest - I'm not sure this actually catches up. It's a different world for these families.