Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why disliking someone or the situation in which you happen to be through no fault of your own is suddenly a mental health issue.

Because OP said "I have been encouraging him to get them mental health help". And because they were raised by a mom with a serious mental health problem and now her problem is so bad that she has no custody and not much visiting time. That really places a stress on a child. It's not just that they dislike it, it's that they've been through a traumatic experience which is ongoing.

They weren't raised by her. They had a divorce early because she refused treatment for her own mental health and she left, not wanting custody because she didn't want it/didn't want to work for it. She currently only visits a couple times a week (does dinner, pickups etc.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why disliking someone or the situation in which you happen to be through no fault of your own is suddenly a mental health issue.

Because OP said "I have been encouraging him to get them mental health help". And because they were raised by a mom with a serious mental health problem and now her problem is so bad that she has no custody and not much visiting time. That really places a stress on a child. It's not just that they dislike it, it's that they've been through a traumatic experience which is ongoing.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why disliking someone or the situation in which you happen to be through no fault of your own is suddenly a mental health issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm....

Because when you are the Disney parent who does no heavy lifting in parenting, you're given a pass by teenagers who want the easy way out.

So, what's your boyfriend doing to help his children who are so evidently in need of mental health care?

I have been encouraging him to get them mental health help but he's very old school and a bit of an avoidant/not talk about it kind of guy. I think that's a problem but I can't tell him how to parent but I do make suggestions.

Ah, so here we are. You have a boyfriend problem! And it's not going to get better until he changes his approach. You can't do it for him.

Ask yourself why you want to be in a long-term relationship with someone who refuses to treat his children's mental health issues. Because as teens grow older, it sometimes gets a lot worse, with a lot more serious consequences that can affect the whole family. Their refusal to socialize with your children may be just the tip of the iceberg.

Anonymous wrote:His kids tolerate (but don't like) you, and they don't like your kids.

Stop being so selfish, OP. You and your partner have made the decision not to blend, so stop pushing this and harping on it. Leave those kids alone. They are not going to change their feelings about you and your kids, and that's OK.

They are under no obligation to accept your brats.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

I would suggest either he gets them mental health care, he allows you to get them mental health care (if you're willing to let him abdicate as a parent and do the work for him), or you give up on ever having both sets of kids together, or you break up with him and date someone else. Or I guess you can see how things go, maybe they'll get mental health care on their own, anything's possible.

As the kid in this situation, I just hate to see my mom's retirement being so consumed with the mental health problems of her partner's adult children. And I'm not willing to bring my own children to my mom's for the holidays because of the mental health behaviors. It's sad. I much prefer my mom to have a partner in life, but I think she would be much better off if she had chosen someone else to date, who didn't bring all these problems to the relationship. It's not his fault that his children have mental health problems, but he's never been willing to deal with it effectively and it's affecting my mom a lot. She's an adult and she made her choice, but I'm not willing to go along with it as if everything's fine.

It's hard for me to say your situation is like ours. His kids are well adjusted for the most part--get good grades, on track for college, have friends, have sports, get along with their dad. So there is no "mental health" breakdown except that they have a non-existent, very unwell parent who has convinced them that her failings are all because of their dad (and me/my kids) and like all kids, they're protective of their mom to an irrational extent and behave accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

I would suggest either he gets them mental health care, he allows you to get them mental health care (if you're willing to let him abdicate as a parent and do the work for him), or you give up on ever having both sets of kids together, or you break up with him and date someone else. Or I guess you can see how things go, maybe they'll get mental health care on their own, anything's possible.

As the kid in this situation, I just hate to see my mom's retirement being so consumed with the mental health problems of her partner's adult children. And I'm not willing to bring my own children to my mom's for the holidays because of the mental health behaviors. It's sad. I much prefer my mom to have a partner in life, but I think she would be much better off if she had chosen someone else to date, who didn't bring all these problems to the relationship. It's not his fault that his children have mental health problems, but he's never been willing to deal with it effectively and it's affecting my mom a lot. She's an adult and she made her choice, but I'm not willing to go along with it as if everything's fine.

It's hard for me to say your situation is like ours. His kids are well adjusted for the most part--get good grades, on track for college, have friends, have sports, get along with their dad. So there is no "mental health" breakdown except that they have a non-existent, very unwell parent who has convinced them that her failings are all because of their dad (and me/my kids) and like all kids, they're protective of their mom to an irrational extent and behave accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

I would suggest either he gets them mental health care, he allows you to get them mental health care (if you're willing to let him abdicate as a parent and do the work for him), or you give up on ever having both sets of kids together, or you break up with him and date someone else. Or I guess you can see how things go, maybe they'll get mental health care on their own, anything's possible.

As the kid in this situation, I just hate to see my mom's retirement being so consumed with the mental health problems of her partner's adult children. And I'm not willing to bring my own children to my mom's for the holidays because of the mental health behaviors. It's sad. I much prefer my mom to have a partner in life, but I think she would be much better off if she had chosen someone else to date, who didn't bring all these problems to the relationship. It's not his fault that his children have mental health problems, but he's never been willing to deal with it effectively and it's affecting my mom a lot. She's an adult and she made her choice, but I'm not willing to go along with it as if everything's fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

I would suggest either he gets them mental health care, he allows you to get them mental health care (if you're willing to let him abdicate as a parent and do the work for him), or you give up on ever having both sets of kids together, or you break up with him and date someone else. Or I guess you can see how things go, maybe they'll get mental health care on their own, anything's possible.

As the kid in this situation, I just hate to see my mom's retirement being so consumed with the mental health problems of her partner's adult children. And I'm not willing to bring my own children to my mom's for the holidays because of the mental health behaviors. It's sad. I much prefer my mom to have a partner in life, but I think she would be much better off if she had chosen someone else to date, who didn't bring all these problems to the relationship. It's not his fault that his children have mental health problems, but he's never been willing to deal with it effectively and it's affecting my mom a lot. She's an adult and she made her choice, but I'm not willing to go along with it as if everything's fine.

Anonymous wrote:If his kids are all in high school at this point, can he just spend time with you and your kids when they aren’t there? His kids may never want to spend time with your kids and/or you. Once they enter the college and adult years it will become obvious if that’s the case.

Rather than focus on his kids, which you have zero control over, you need to make peace that they aren’t going to fit your desired narrative.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?