Anonymous wrote:In-laws are local, my parents are dead. We’ve been spending the holidays with them since before kids, now with three kids it’s even more of a given since it’s hard to travel. Some of the bigger holidays are multi-day affairs, like Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Often these gatherings involve their friends who are obsessed with talking politics and work. It’s been many years of living close to them and feeling like I’m a prisoner to this arrangement.

It would be nice to have a holiday to ourselves - feel totally relaxed, have our own rituals, eat Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner IN MY PJs while letting the kids be silly instead of dressing up and having to manage them so they have good manners for their guests. They are not a warm and fun household so I’m never at ease when I’m there. But I know they would be upset, DH also doesn’t want to introduce conflict. Would you just keep going along with it until kids are old enough to travel as a family, or just do your own thing - not skip all holidays but either Thanksgiving or Christmas on our own - at the risk of upsetting them? How would you explain it (other than lying and saying someone is sick).

Neither you nor your husband nor your kids are enjoying these stuffy holidays. You are subjecting yourselves to this every year, multiple times because you don’t want to upset the oh so very, very special…just sooo special in laws. Come on OP, is it really fair for you and your family to have a bad holiday every year just to not upset the very special in law? Tell them no thank you this year. If they pout, squawk or stamp their selfish little fit just ignore. Never let someone else’s rude and manipulative behavior guide you.

Go to Paris or London for Christmas. Make it a big event and break the cycle.

Anonymous wrote:Well, you missed the easiest window to stand up for yourself, which was when your first was born.

At that point, its so easy to say "We'll be having Xmas at our house going forward. You're welcome to join"

Which would avoid the obnoxious friends probably, and from the sounds of your ILs, they would only come every other year anyway

I pulled the plug when my oldest was 6. After that I insisted on having Christmas Eve and Christmas morning for just us. It just wasn't fun anymore to try and manage everything.

Having said that, I do still see my in-laws for Thanksgiving and my own family either right before or right after Christmas. Selfishly , I didn't want to send the message to my own kids that they didn't have to see us when they were adults.

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing Christmas there. You will really regret never having holidays at your own home or on vacation with your kids. Don’t let your in laws monopolize your holidays and force your kids to fit into their adult parties.

Really? We always did Thanksgiving with my ILs and Christmas with my family. No regrets.

Doing Christmas that was just us in 2020 was fine -- seamless change from the big family do. And returning to big family do was also fine.

I literally broke over this one year. We now do Thanksgiving at home with a turkey breast and sides, and go out —just ourselves— for Christmas Eve. It’s DH’s family, so he was the one to tell them.

It’s soooooo much better.

Stop doing Christmas there. You will really regret never having holidays at your own home or on vacation with your kids. Don’t let your in laws monopolize your holidays and force your kids to fit into their adult parties.

I'm also sick of spending most holidays with my close-by inlaws. This year we're telling them we just want to do Thanksgiving at home with our immediate household. And for Christmas we plan on just going on the early end to their Christmas eve celebration (not spending the night like they always want us to), and just staying home Christmas day. We have not told them this yet, as they have not asked about our plans. Will probably wait until the last possible minute and then just deal with their disappointment.

OP when you say DH doesn’t want to introduce conflict, has it occurred to you that maybe you are the one he doesn’t want conflict with? This is how he grew up. He is probably comfortable with these traditions and doesn’t mind it. He may even want to go and have his children have the same traditions he does. That DOESN’T mean you need to want this to hit just be open to the idea that is may be where he is coming from. Time to start stepping back IMO.

1. This year, find a tradition for Thanksgiving by morning - Turkey trot, family walk, delivering cans to a canned food drive - whatever is meaningful to you. Limit your time at in-laws to the meal plus maybe an hour unless there is some specific activity you are doing. On Friday start another new nuclear family tradition. Go pick out and decorate the tree, make cookies/crafts, etc.

2. This year don’t go to in-laws until after you have had Christmas morning and breakfast/brunch at your house. Show up 30 min before whenever the meal is or an hour if you need more time for the kids to open presents or whatever. Then leave shortly after the meal is over. Have some new bedtime tradition at home with your kids. Hot chocolate and a Christmas movie, play games or decorate gingerbread houses. Whatever sounds fun for you.

3. Next year pick a holiday with DH that you will host and invite in-laws to your house.

Overall just gradually start backing away bit by bit. Also, I get the sense you are probably late 30s maybe early 40s. The dynamics will change soon as a matter of course. In-laws will have mobility and health issues that necessitate them cutting back on hosting large gatherings. Their friends will have similar issues that prevent them from attending. You/DH and any other siblings will likely start taking over all the hosting at some point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These stories of wimpy DHs who don't want to upset their mothers. Such a turn off. Ugh.

Yes, you are so right PP. If you have a son, make sure you don’t raise him to be like that.

Not the PP you're quoting, but all my kids are boys and if they doing want to spend Christmas or other holidays with us, that's fine. You can't drag people into enjoying your company at every turn.

Anonymous wrote:These stories of wimpy DHs who don't want to upset their mothers. Such a turn off. Ugh.

Yes, you are so right PP. If you have a son, make sure you don’t raise him to be like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your inlaws are local. Can’t you go late and leave early? Who is going to stop you?

Right? If your husband insists on going for both Christmas Eve and Christmas, send him with the kids. He can manage their behavior and clothing. You can show up for a meal.

That's cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Imagine willfully sending your kids away on Christmas to prove a point to your DH & MIL.

Your poor kids

Well, you missed the easiest window to stand up for yourself, which was when your first was born.

At that point, its so easy to say "We'll be having Xmas at our house going forward. You're welcome to join"

Which would avoid the obnoxious friends probably, and from the sounds of your ILs, they would only come every other year anyway

Anonymous wrote:So stop. Send DH and the kids. No one is forcing you. I stopped talking/interacting with my in laws YEARS ago, after they came out as MAGA. No regrets.

Don’t do this. Start your own traditions. Keep your family together.

Anonymous wrote:Pick Christmas and say you are ready to start your own Christmas family traditions in your own home. Pick a time frame in there that they are welcome to attend for a few hours. If there is conflict that is on them.

I like this idea. And I’d recommend slow rolling it. Don’t toss all their traditions in one year, maybe start with revamping Christmas Day.

Invite them to do something Christmas Eve or on the 26th, and talk that up. And then just have the 25th for yourselves. Or decided that NYE is going to be just your family’s night and make that really special.