Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 16:20     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sarcasm is a bad look, especially past your 20's. No jokes. It's not funny. Too much messed-up communication and deniability based on, "I was only kidding." or "you're too sensitive." He either thinks and says what he wants to say or he keeps these thoughts to himself since they aren't worth bringing up.


This. This right here. "I was just joking" etc. is not only an immature way to communicate, it lets the "joker" feel they're always, always right and have no need ever to examine their own communication or motives. It's highly toxic. If one person in a couple does not perceive the "joking" as actual joking, that is not being "too sensitive"--it's being a mature adult who prefers adult communication over childish passive-aggression.


They were both being passive-aggressive. Getting up and moving to another seat when your spouse comes in the room is also passive-aggressive.

I don’t think this was the best tactic for him to take, but what should he say? Just ignore it?
didnt she move the chair out of the direct ray of sun so she could see? BFD.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 16:17     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:Would this bother you?

Whenever my husband and I have a disagreement, he brings up how he does so much and feels unappreciated. When I ask for examples of what he does, he says things like “I pay this mortgage”. To be fair, he makes more than I do, but I’m still bringing in 6 figures.

This morning, we were sitting on the couch having coffee and some light was shining in my eyes from outside, so I moved to a chair across the room. He started joking in a lighthearted way about “I see how it is then” and he mumbled (still in a joking way) “I just won’t pay the mortgage next month then.” I said, “Mmhm. I’ll just pay it then.” He said, “Okay, we’ll see how that works out in 2 months.”

I understand that he’s joking around, but I really feel like his financial status has become something he hangs over me.

How stupid. What a lame go to line.

Does his father tell the same “jokes” too? Or his mother?

Have you told him to grow up? Or does he threaten to not pay the mortgage again. (out of joint funds)?
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 15:16     Subject: Re:Joke-threats
Nip that nonsense in the bud.

It may not be a bid geal. Many people say random stupid shit and have no clue how ridiculous they sound.

You immediately tell him to cut it out. If you say it sternly and explain that you don't like the "joke" and he keeps doing it, then you have a problem.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 08:13     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?


He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.



Wow. Quite the apologist for this DH, I see. You chose to focus on the "light in my eyes" thing and somehow think it's legit to be offended about her not explaining a simple shift in seating. How very delicate of you.


Yeah. Again. You wouldn’t “simply shift your seat” away from your kid or your friend without explaining.

It’s legitimate to feel hurt if someone gets up and moves away from you. I would be hurt if I went to sit next to my husband on the couch, and he got up and walked away from me. You wouldn’t?


I've been sitting alone and others come in the room and I get up and move. It absolutely can be because they are burping, farting, chewing, breathing. Or it could be because the sun is in my eyes, their music is too loud, I have to fart, I'm worried about my breath, I want to be alone. But they do NOT have to take it personally. Maybe it is best if I explain what is going on, oh, hon, your feet smell really bad and I don't want to be next to them! (That he should take personally) Or Oh, my butt just got tired in this chair, I'm going to move to the other one. But ... I do not HAVE to do any of that.

If they whine about it - that is on them. They could say, hey, everything OK? or I'm sorry, did you want to be alone? they don't have to say something snarky or passive aggressive or like a martyr.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 04:57     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Other side of the coin: op and dh both contribute similarly to household obligations. But dh works in a much more stressful job making $500k while op makes $100k in a hobby job. $100k is starting salary for any recent college graduate if they’re looking for a decent job (the more competitive jobs are paying a lot more than that for new grads). Dh is tired of carrying the full financial load. He’s saying this very clearly to op and would like her to stop treating household financials like a joke, and start contributing more.

Then he can speak up like an adult.


He did. The OP started out by saying that he brought up feeling unappreciated for bringing in most of the money.

It kind of sounds to me like she was hurt by him saying this. He went to sit next to her to make up, and she got up and moved away from him.
He responded with anger and sarcasm.


You’ve made up this sequence of events. This didn’t happen.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 04:56     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?


He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.



Wow. Quite the apologist for this DH, I see. You chose to focus on the "light in my eyes" thing and somehow think it's legit to be offended about her not explaining a simple shift in seating. How very delicate of you.


Yeah. Again. You wouldn’t “simply shift your seat” away from your kid or your friend without explaining.

It’s legitimate to feel hurt if someone gets up and moves away from you. I would be hurt if I went to sit next to my husband on the couch, and he got up and walked away from me. You wouldn’t?

No, because I’m not five years old.


Really? Like sometimes you are snuggling with your kid on the couch or you are talking with your mom, and the sun gets in your eyes, so you just get up and walk away?

Your behavior is unusual. Most people would pull down a shade or invite the other person to go to another room.






No they wouldn’t, and you’re insane.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 04:54     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?


He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.



This is the dumbest take ever.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 04:43     Subject: Re:Joke-threats
These “jokes” are so not even funny.

They are sending a subliminal message out & that message pertains to something very serious.

If I were in your position - I would definitely address this issue w/him directly.
It is wrong of him to use money as a power pawn in your marriage. 🙁

Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 01:03     Subject: Joke-threats
I think you need to find out more about how he feels unappreciated. He told you he felt that way and you were dismissive basically asking him to tell you anything he does that would be worth appreciation. Which means you don’t appreciate him because you don’t think he brings anything to the family / marriage that is worth appreciation. Most people would feel pretty disrespected by that.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2024 00:57     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?


He feels rejected. She probably didn’t say that she was moving because the light was in her eyes or invite him to move with her. They were sitting next to each other, and she got up and sat somewhere else.

She’s acting like it’s all innocent, but you wouldn’t do this to a friend or to your child. You wouldn’t sit next to your kid reading and then just get up and walk to a different part of the room.

So, he feels rejected, and he’s like, “if you’re going to reject my presence, then maybe I don’t feel like doing nice things for you any more.”

They are both being childish. If she went over and told him that the sun was in her eyes, but later tonight she would make sure he wanted to pay the mortgage, then it would be over.



Wow. Quite the apologist for this DH, I see. You chose to focus on the "light in my eyes" thing and somehow think it's legit to be offended about her not explaining a simple shift in seating. How very delicate of you.


Yeah. Again. You wouldn’t “simply shift your seat” away from your kid or your friend without explaining.

It’s legitimate to feel hurt if someone gets up and moves away from you. I would be hurt if I went to sit next to my husband on the couch, and he got up and walked away from me. You wouldn’t?

No, because I’m not five years old.


Really? Like sometimes you are snuggling with your kid on the couch or you are talking with your mom, and the sun gets in your eyes, so you just get up and walk away?

Your behavior is unusual. Most people would pull down a shade or invite the other person to go to another room.


No, your reaction is very weird. You should ask yourself why you’re so triggered.
Anonymous
Post 09/29/2024 23:33     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. How does you moving to another chair because of light being in your eyes makes him bring up paying for the mortgage?


Because he's a big baby.

OP, the good news here is that he's trying (in a juvenile and stupid way) that he wants more attention and affection and he feels like the only thing he is appreciated for is his paycheck. The bad news is that it's juvenile and stupid. I agree with others that you should have a talk with him.
Anonymous
Post 09/29/2024 21:43     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sarcasm is a bad look, especially past your 20's. No jokes. It's not funny. Too much messed-up communication and deniability based on, "I was only kidding." or "you're too sensitive." He either thinks and says what he wants to say or he keeps these thoughts to himself since they aren't worth bringing up.


This. This right here. "I was just joking" etc. is not only an immature way to communicate, it lets the "joker" feel they're always, always right and have no need ever to examine their own communication or motives. It's highly toxic. If one person in a couple does not perceive the "joking" as actual joking, that is not being "too sensitive"--it's being a mature adult who prefers adult communication over childish passive-aggression.


They were both being passive-aggressive. Getting up and moving to another seat when your spouse comes in the room is also passive-aggressive.

I don’t think this was the best tactic for him to take, but what should he say? Just ignore it?


Are you the PP who was so fixated on her moving her seat in earlier posts? Do you not get that this was just one example of a time he pulled out the mortgage threat and there have been other times too? Big picture, PP, try to see the big picture instead of hyper-focusing on her one example. The point is how wildly out of all proportion his response was. Her action is nowhere near meriting that level of response.
Anonymous
Post 09/29/2024 21:42     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:Other side of the coin: op and dh both contribute similarly to household obligations. But dh works in a much more stressful job making $500k while op makes $100k in a hobby job. $100k is starting salary for any recent college graduate if they’re looking for a decent job (the more competitive jobs are paying a lot more than that for new grads). Dh is tired of carrying the full financial load. He’s saying this very clearly to op and would like her to stop treating household financials like a joke, and start contributing more.


DP. I make $200k and spouse makes $300k. It used to be a larger divide. He used to make more. Not as much of a Dk now as when he was pulling in $450k-500k.
Anonymous
Post 09/29/2024 21:32     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sarcasm is a bad look, especially past your 20's. No jokes. It's not funny. Too much messed-up communication and deniability based on, "I was only kidding." or "you're too sensitive." He either thinks and says what he wants to say or he keeps these thoughts to himself since they aren't worth bringing up.


This. This right here. "I was just joking" etc. is not only an immature way to communicate, it lets the "joker" feel they're always, always right and have no need ever to examine their own communication or motives. It's highly toxic. If one person in a couple does not perceive the "joking" as actual joking, that is not being "too sensitive"--it's being a mature adult who prefers adult communication over childish passive-aggression.


They were both being passive-aggressive. Getting up and moving to another seat when your spouse comes in the room is also passive-aggressive.

I don’t think this was the best tactic for him to take, but what should he say? Just ignore it?
Anonymous
Post 09/29/2024 19:32     Subject: Joke-threats
Anonymous wrote:Sarcasm is a bad look, especially past your 20's. No jokes. It's not funny. Too much messed-up communication and deniability based on, "I was only kidding." or "you're too sensitive." He either thinks and says what he wants to say or he keeps these thoughts to himself since they aren't worth bringing up.


This. This right here. "I was just joking" etc. is not only an immature way to communicate, it lets the "joker" feel they're always, always right and have no need ever to examine their own communication or motives. It's highly toxic. If one person in a couple does not perceive the "joking" as actual joking, that is not being "too sensitive"--it's being a mature adult who prefers adult communication over childish passive-aggression.