Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you work yourself?

If you are at work, why does it matter if he's "sitting around" all day? You wouldn't know a difference. He would otherwise be in the office providing no value on household tasks either. Let the dude do whatever he wants, he earned it.

My uncle took a sabbatical. His wife came home from work and the house was a mess and she still did the majority with the kids. It bred resentment and anger. He didn’t think he needed to do it before or then because he was the breadwinner but having a 6 month paid sabbatical and then doing nothing was not good for their marriage. She almost divorced him. So yeah you kind of do need a plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are over managing this and you are going to be much happier if you mentally think about his sabbatical as no different in terms of what he can pick up at home than if he was going to a job.

Not saying your husband isn’t a bad egg (what you describe would absolutely infuriate me) but approaching this as about a refreshing break from work rather than 4 months to finally lean in at home is going to lead to more marital harmony. It seems a little weird that you are driving the conversation about what he could do with this time rather than him.

After working my entire adult life I totally understand the desire for a sabbatical as a break/reset. Could include time for getting more healthy, professional development in certain areas, reconnecting with the person you want to be (especially if feeling mid-life crisis-y). If I was the one taking it, yes, it would also include extended family travel, more time with kids, and house projects, but I’m not your husband.

Sounds like the sabbatical conversation is a red herring for other issues in your relationship. I understand why that is (someone announcing they’re taking time off with no plans to help at home when that’s been an issue for years would certainly be triggering) but it might help you to try to separate the two.

This. It’s not about the sabbatical.

Anonymous wrote:OP do you work yourself?

If you are at work, why does it matter if he's "sitting around" all day? You wouldn't know a difference. He would otherwise be in the office providing no value on household tasks either. Let the dude do whatever he wants, he earned it.

Anonymous wrote:DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with all of the talk regarding him possibly getting pushed out should he go through with the sabbatical.

However, the list of projects in the original post, listed under the guise of what projects she can have him tackle while on his sabbatical seems extremely micro-managed. Let him choose how to use this time, and as long as he's doing something productive, (whether you agree with it or not) let him enjoy his time!

I think the problem is that he doesn’t have a track record of being productive and so she’s trying to decide how to corral his energy (or lack of).

It does seem unfair to have two adults in a house but the one adult with temporarily unlimited free time is the one who’s not going to use it to the benefit of the entire family.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like him getting pushed out is possible regardless of the sabbatical. Maybe the sabbatical can help him think about a pivot?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His sabbatical would be to just hang out? That would be a hard no in my house. For either of us.

And why did you mention health insurance? Will he lose his health insurance during this time? Is it possible they will push him out?

I've actually never heard of a non-academic sabbatical other than taking time off for health reasons.

It’s a big thing in some more old-school companies and when I was in publishing people took them pretty consistently. Publishing was a bit different because it was academia-adjacent and most people used the time to teach university courses or write books.

I mentioned health insurance because I don’t understand the structure of his firm’s sabbatical policies and I don’t think he does, either, but he refuses to research the practicalities.

I am absolutely scared sh-tless that they’ll push him out.

He’s two levels below c-suite and it’s up or out the next 3-4 years. I think he’s naive and they’ll push him out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with all of the talk regarding him possibly getting pushed out should he go through with the sabbatical.

However, the list of projects in the original post, listed under the guise of what projects she can have him tackle while on his sabbatical seems extremely micro-managed. Let him choose how to use this time, and as long as he's doing something productive, (whether you agree with it or not) let him enjoy his time!

I think the problem is that he doesn’t have a track record of being productive and so she’s trying to decide how to corral his energy (or lack of).

It does seem unfair to have two adults in a house but the one adult with temporarily unlimited free time is the one who’s not going to use it to the benefit of the entire family.

Anonymous wrote:My sense from your post is he has his reasons for wanting a sabbatical (and I doubt it’s for any of the things on your list) but for whatever reason wants to put off telling you.

Anonymous wrote:I think you are over managing this and you are going to be much happier if you mentally think about his sabbatical as no different in terms of what he can pick up at home than if he was going to a job.

Not saying your husband isn’t a bad egg (what you describe would absolutely infuriate me) but approaching this as about a refreshing break from work rather than 4 months to finally lean in at home is going to lead to more marital harmony. It seems a little weird that you are driving the conversation about what he could do with this time rather than him.

After working my entire adult life I totally understand the desire for a sabbatical as a break/reset. Could include time for getting more healthy, professional development in certain areas, reconnecting with the person you want to be (especially if feeling mid-life crisis-y). If I was the one taking it, yes, it would also include extended family travel, more time with kids, and house projects, but I’m not your husband.

Sounds like the sabbatical conversation is a red herring for other issues in your relationship. I understand why that is (someone announcing they’re taking time off with no plans to help at home when that’s been an issue for years would certainly be triggering) but it might help you to try to separate the two.