Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

You’re the reason that those of us with sons dread getting older. There’s no reason why your husband, her SON, can’t alternate Sundays with his sister. That will give you all those Sundays to be with your own mother after all. Also, she doesn’t like your hobbies- she likes hers. She’s almost 80. Where is your grace and compassion?
(If you have sons, may karma come kick your a$$ later in life)

Omg stop it. I have a son too. I hope I’ll never need him to just sit with me on his a** all day. Helping with something is a different matter!

Anonymous wrote:OP: Also, yes, I wonder if she's depressed. She takes Tylenol PM every night so she can sleep. I think she has PTSD from finding my FIL dead in the bed. Tonight DH and I talked about the fact that she probably needs counseling.

I can tell you she’ll find a myriad reasons not to go to counseling/take antidepressants. I mean, don’t have high hopes for all this.

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

She sounds like my dad. Wants me to be his only victim. My brother was smart enough to impress on him that he works long hours and has his hands full with a bigger family; I was softer with him and now I reap what I sowed!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

She is your family. Period. I find your response really cold and lacking compassion. You want permission to ignore her. And that’s shi—y. You best hope your kids don’t feel like that when u need them.

It is absolutely not too much to ask that you visit or do something with her 1 a week or every other week.

The woman is almost 80 years! I had my MIL until she was 77 and I cherished every moment with her. I never wished she'd spend more time with other people. I feel sad for your MIL.

Bring old photo albums and look through them together.
Do a jigsaw puzzle.
Adult coloring book.
Pack some food and take her on a picnic.
Does she have a fave sports team? Take her to a game or watch together on TV.
Take her to the Kennedy Center (or similar venue); let her get dolled up, make it a fancy outing.
Take her to get her hair or nails done.
Play a board game or play cards.
Do chair yoga together.
Take her to an event at the community where she lives. Is there a dance, a cooking class, etc.? Go with her.
Take her to the Hallmark store and let her browse or even buy a thing or two (this was my MIL's favorite activity when she was still alive).

I just sat here and came up with these ideas off the top of my head. This is not hard, OP.

I think it's incredibly sad that you refer to spending time with your 70+ year-old MIL as "babysitting." I hate the way people just throw away the elderly. Like they are no good for anything. Have a heart, OP. Spend a day with her once or twice a month. Or encourage your dh to do it solo. Cook a meal together, take a drive through a pretty park, listen to an audio book together. There are tons of things you can do if you use your imagination. Who cares if it's not something that is of interest to you, she's an old woman and she's your husbands mother.

Anonymous wrote:So you think a recently widowed 79 yr old needs to embrace her new life, change, branch out, and take initiative? It’s not like you spend much or any time with her but it’s like you have no experience or understanding of what elderly means and zero compassion. Nice.

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP: MIL is 79. All good suggestions. But the hope is that she'll branch out more and do things with other people, not just us. She should not be sitting around bored during the week when there's a ton for retired people to do. She just takes no initiative. I don't think it's fair for her to depend mostly on her kids for her social needs. Plus, I have my own widowed mother.

She is your family. Period. I find your response really cold and lacking compassion. You want permission to ignore her. And that’s shi—y. You best hope your kids don’t feel like that when u need them.

It is absolutely not too much to ask that you visit or do something with her 1 a week or every other week.

Would she be open to a language app? She can speak to or text people from other countries that want to practice their English. She doesn't need to know another language, and can do it all from her phone. HelloTalk is great.

I don’t think you said how far away she is but assuming it’s reasonable close, I think your H should see her either once a month or once a week for lunch or dinner or something like that, plus you could have her over 1-2 times per month to your house.
It also might help if you pick one or two activities she might like at the clubhouse and go with her a few times — water aerobics or bingo or whatever she might like. Once she goes a couple times and maybe meets people, she might then want to go more. The key is that when you take her, be a good wingman — be outgoing, strike up conversations with other ladies and try to help her make some friends. Think of it like what you might do for a junior employee you are taking to a conference, or a shy friend at a big party.

If it's to this point, better to sit down and have a meeting about what is a sustainable long term option. She needs to be in a social setting forced to use her social skills-it's essential for brain health. This is the not the same as being with family. That is comforting and helpful and part of the equation, but having to use skills to make new friends and keep those friends is way more exercise for the brain and it's more likely to bring happiness rather than enabling depression and/or anxiety with family attention.

Your visits are important, but cannot be the majority of the social interaction.

OP just add your DH to the texts she sends you. SIL needs to talk to her brother about their Mom. Cut yourself out of the loop and when DH goes to spend time with his Mom go spend time with yours.

OP you GREATLY need to change your expectations. Hiking, big vacations, going out and socializing with her community - these are clearly things out of her range right now. And her range is going to narrow more and more as she ages. You are clearly out of touch with her reality.

Also +1 to everyone saying your DH needs to step up. Why is SIL complaining to you? It should be going straight to her brother, and then he should be discussing it with you as his spouse.

If SIL and your DH feel she really needs more interaction then look into senior centers that have transportation. You need something scheduled that is not optional - the van comes at 10 am and she needs to be ready. Maybe hire an aide to take her to specific activities 2 times a week. But SIL and your DH need to plan it out in advance.

Anonymous wrote:Some people are introverts and your MIL is one of them. She is not an extrovert so she isn’t going to change overnight and be line dancing with the rest. Sorry. It’s not what you want to hear. You and your husband need to adjust and find activities where she can enjoy and spend time with you all. I have an elderly parent who is like this. We do simple things like lunch and go grocery shopping. And is perfectly happy afterwards! You just need to adjust your thinking.

And yes, you posted here. You ask for all of it.

I don't think that's what OP is looking for, though. She wants her MIL to find activities that she *can* do -- book group, movies, adaptive exercise class, something -- that she could do that would get her out of the house.

A lot of the activities at the 55+ communities I know about are geared toward younger, more active people. But this is where OP's MIL chooses to be, so she would be better off if she did what she can from among her community's options. There's no way to force that. Does she think she'd be more interested in activities at another place, or is it just discontent with the process of aging? And are there supports for residents, as there are at CCRCs? A CCRC would have social workers who might be able to nudge your MIL towards therapy & meds; I don't know if OP's MIL's 55+ place has the same, or if she sees another doctor who might be able to help.

OP doesn't have to go on every visit (this would probably be fine with her MIL), but her husband should be seeing his mom at least once a week. Not necessarily for a full day, but for errands and lunch or a movie or just to hand while assembling a jigsaw puzzle.

You need to hire and in-home aide.