Anonymous
Post 09/20/2024 09:28     Subject: Re:insecure around beautiful friend
I felt she didn't really reciprocate and I was always the one reaching out and she didn't include me in her close circle.


This is interesting. NP here. There are 2 separate issues: her not reciprocating, not initiating, is a relationship killer. She was not a good at being a friend. But in the future do not confuse that w/not including you in a close circle of friends. Many people prefer separate friends, one-on-one time. If you're sure a circle existed for her, it may have been due to a very specific circumstance and she is entitled to limit that.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2024 09:21     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I am a pretty and successful woman but I will never be drop dead gorgeous. It’s just something that seems amazing and I’ll never experience it.

My mom is very beautiful and taught me that if you are beautiful other women will always hate you a little bit so you always have to be extra nice to make up for it. I wonder if your friend got a similar message.


I tell my daughter something like this. She is very pretty, but also shy and anxious.
Pretty girls really don’t have the option of being shy. If a pretty girl or beautiful women isn’t talking to anyone, she doesn’t come off as shy and kind of awkward. She comes off as being aloof and kind of mean.


Please stop telling your daughter this crap


It’s good for kids to know how their actions are perceived by other people.


Yeah but that's not what is being taught here
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2024 07:36     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Psychiatrist here. My guess is that it’s her. Whenever you are around someone and they make you feel something you don’t normally feel, it’s almost always coming from them. Anxious people make you feel anxious. Expansive manic people make you feel happy and great, etc. I did have to do a lot of my own work in therapy to figure out what’s coming from me and what’s from my patients, but my guess is that this is coming from her. She feels insecure and you are picking up on it.

On a side note, I’m jealous that you have so many friends. As a working mom, I feel like I hardly have any friends. The fact that you have gone on multiple girls trips with her, and she isn’t even one of your closest friends has me incredibly jealous!


MD here. This is a smart psychiatrist. Well done, fellow doc!

OP, I would also add that it's important to remember how high functioning you are, and how you appear to the rest of the world. I mean, read your OP. You're a subspec surgeon, great family, successful, you may not be gorgeous like your friend, but I bet you look great. Now ask yourself how many people around you may have the reaction to you that you have to your friend. Also ask yourself, honestly, how many women intimidate you. Not many, right? As a fellow subspec physician and mom, I'm really proud of where I am in life. Very few women make me look at my own life and think I did it wrong. So, you get used to feeling a bit of superiority (I don't mean that in a mean way), and it's unsettling and unfamiliar to feel less-than. Cheesy as it sounds, consider it an opportunity to up your game, whether it's in fashion, fitness, problem-solving, etc. And maybe at this point that feels exhausting and you don't want that, but I bet very few women in your orbit cause you to reach a bit. It's not a bad thing.

Either way you sound self-aware and kind. Be proud of yourself.


NP here to thank both of the above women for this! Such valuable perspective. I’m not a surgeon but am accomplished in other ways and often lose sight of how I’m sometimes perceived. Good friends are golden. Have a good weekend, working women of DC!
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2024 07:16     Subject: Re:insecure around beautiful friend
I get it.

I made a casual friend, a coworker last year who was drop-dead gorgeous.
Younger, taller, thinner….the whole gamut.

And she had the perfect hair, skin, etc.
She was so natural + pretty….w/o the need for makeup even.

Meanwhile I have to style my hair & wear at least some makeup 💄 to get by - needless to say I felt ugly when around her.

She landed another job somewhere else so now I feel better about myself.
Lol.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2024 00:09     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
I felt similarly about a female friend. We knew each other much shorter amount of time. I found myself feeling awkward around her - maybe it was a slight crush? I am not into women usually but she is so beautiful, great spouse, awesome career, life seemed pretty perfect and glamorous.

I felt insecure around her and that I was trying too hard to impress her. I didn't like the dynamic so we only really interact on social media now. I wanted to be her equal but I felt she didn't really reciprocate and I was always the one reaching out and she didn't include me in her close circle. In your case, it does seem like you are real friends though!
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 23:03     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
This is weird. Seek help!
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 21:45     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I am a pretty and successful woman but I will never be drop dead gorgeous. It’s just something that seems amazing and I’ll never experience it.

My mom is very beautiful and taught me that if you are beautiful other women will always hate you a little bit so you always have to be extra nice to make up for it. I wonder if your friend got a similar message.


I tell my daughter something like this. She is very pretty, but also shy and anxious.
Pretty girls really don’t have the option of being shy. If a pretty girl or beautiful women isn’t talking to anyone, she doesn’t come off as shy and kind of awkward. She comes off as being aloof and kind of mean.


Please stop telling your daughter this crap


It’s good for kids to know how their actions are perceived by other people.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 20:50     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I am a pretty and successful woman but I will never be drop dead gorgeous. It’s just something that seems amazing and I’ll never experience it.

My mom is very beautiful and taught me that if you are beautiful other women will always hate you a little bit so you always have to be extra nice to make up for it. I wonder if your friend got a similar message.


I tell my daughter something like this. She is very pretty, but also shy and anxious.
Pretty girls really don’t have the option of being shy. If a pretty girl or beautiful women isn’t talking to anyone, she doesn’t come off as shy and kind of awkward. She comes off as being aloof and kind of mean.


Please stop telling your daughter this crap


Seriously! I am the PP with the beautiful mom and she struggles with relationships with other women to this day. I don’t think it helped me at all. I was just wondering if OPs friend had heard similar messages.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 20:34     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I am a pretty and successful woman but I will never be drop dead gorgeous. It’s just something that seems amazing and I’ll never experience it.

My mom is very beautiful and taught me that if you are beautiful other women will always hate you a little bit so you always have to be extra nice to make up for it. I wonder if your friend got a similar message.


I tell my daughter something like this. She is very pretty, but also shy and anxious.
Pretty girls really don’t have the option of being shy. If a pretty girl or beautiful women isn’t talking to anyone, she doesn’t come off as shy and kind of awkward. She comes off as being aloof and kind of mean.


Please stop telling your daughter this crap
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 19:30     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Beauty is what beauty does
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 19:27     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I am a pretty and successful woman but I will never be drop dead gorgeous. It’s just something that seems amazing and I’ll never experience it.

My mom is very beautiful and taught me that if you are beautiful other women will always hate you a little bit so you always have to be extra nice to make up for it. I wonder if your friend got a similar message.


I tell my daughter something like this. She is very pretty, but also shy and anxious.
Pretty girls really don’t have the option of being shy. If a pretty girl or beautiful women isn’t talking to anyone, she doesn’t come off as shy and kind of awkward. She comes off as being aloof and kind of mean.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 17:25     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:troll....no surgeon mom with a super busy work and family life is stressing over petty bs like this.....get a life will ya?


I know some ENT’s who work part-time, are moms, and stress over stuff like this.


A part-time ENT seems pretty different than surgeon. . .


What? Why?
My one friend specializes in robotic thyroid surgery. She trained in South Korea for six months following residency and then brought it to our institution here.
I would say she is a surgeon. I would also say that she cares about petty stuff sometimes.


I would say you don’t perform at this level as an individual without being intensely competitive and it’s understandable it would bleed over once in awhile to minor interpersonal relationships. Like the minute you aren’t “winning” you start to take on psychic damage.

It’s a little bit narcissistic I guess but whatever.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 17:20     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
OP I get it. I am a pretty and successful woman but I will never be drop dead gorgeous. It’s just something that seems amazing and I’ll never experience it.

My mom is very beautiful and taught me that if you are beautiful other women will always hate you a little bit so you always have to be extra nice to make up for it. I wonder if your friend got a similar message.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 17:16     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:troll....no surgeon mom with a super busy work and family life is stressing over petty bs like this.....get a life will ya?


I know some ENT’s who work part-time, are moms, and stress over stuff like this.


A part-time ENT seems pretty different than surgeon. . .


What? Why?
My one friend specializes in robotic thyroid surgery. She trained in South Korea for six months following residency and then brought it to our institution here.
I would say she is a surgeon. I would also say that she cares about petty stuff sometimes.


Anonymous
Post 09/19/2024 16:54     Subject: insecure around beautiful friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:troll....no surgeon mom with a super busy work and family life is stressing over petty bs like this.....get a life will ya?


I know some ENT’s who work part-time, are moms, and stress over stuff like this.


A part-time ENT seems pretty different than surgeon. . .