I meet them where they are...
Open door policy .. Whatever they wanna' discuss share -- I/We do..

I absolutely do not overstep my bounds.

I am close with my parents and I wouldn't have described them as patronizing at any point in my life — supportive, loving, and curious is how’d I describe it more than anything at the point.

I call my parents at least once a day, more often twice but sometimes every other day. We also FaceTime as a family (with my sister) maybe 1/week. They live 3 hours away but we visit once a month or every other month. My parents are both still working but would drop everything if I needed them and oftentimes babysit, etc. My mom is a little physically limited so can’t babysit too often but she makes an effort.

My ILs are what I’d call patronizing and they have a very strained relationship with my husband. It has gotten a little easier since we’ve had kids but in general I’d say they lack boundaries, are kind of selfish, and are emotionally immature. As in — constantly commenting on my husband’s appearance, rarely call or come to visit (despite being retired and having a ton of disposable income), and generally kind of dismissive/rude to my husband.

Honestly, nothing has really changed in parenting styles. The best part of being home for me is being a “kid” again, even just to have someone toast a bagel and entertain my kid for me. To have people who are proud of me and think I’m great (and who tell me that).

My poor husband doesn’t get that at all - when we visit we feel like a burden, like we are intruding in their lives, and then he gets bullied by them too! (they’ve learned I’m not interested in the feedback). To be clear we are both working, successful, have a good life. Any excuses for rudeness isn’t really there - it is just how they are. They are just really emotionally immature, and try to make up for it by giving material gifts/paying for dinners/etc, which is appreciated. But we’d really like for them to just work on boundaries instead 😃

So think about what your home is to your kid! Do they get to fill their cup — feel loved, encourage, built up — or is it a chore that the dread? I’m sure you can tell

They aren’t “kids” once they’re out on their own and financially independent. Stop giving unsolicited advice. Stop trying to “fix it.” Above all, *get a life of your own: Interests, activities, community involvement and so forth.*

If you’re “patronizing” *any* independent adult you’re waaaayyyyy over the line. Get back in your own lane.

Lots of good advice on here and some I may repeat

-Allow them to be adults and treat them like adults
-Be available for consultation by request only-no unsolicited advice unless the situation is extreme
-Enjoy each of your children for who they are and have reasonable expectations.
-Do not compare your adult children to eachother or try to manipulate one by saying the other does x and y
-When you are with them be in the moment. If they ask you for a report on various extended family members or your friend's kids great, but otherwise allow them to have their own relationships with those people and when you are with your adult child just enjoy the time. You don't need to be the guardian of all updates/gate keeper or the family newsletter person unless they want that.

Anonymous wrote:The best advice is that you're not "parenting" anymore. You can share your advice based on what you've experienced, but the receiver is not a child that requires the level of care that I think the word 'parenting' implies.

My mom died at age 94. But she remained my parent. She did not turn into my friend or consultant. I matured enough to realize that both her love and concern for me were limitless. I could not enjoy the former without tolerating the latter. They are a package deal.

Anonymous wrote:You don't parent adult children. Your job is done. Do you parent other adults? The worst a parent can do is stay at the stage of "you were so cute when you were 5, you listened to me". You need to grow up together with your adult children, not staying stuck in their childhood. That means that by teenage years you need to start letting it go, instead of cutting their wings due to your own insecurities (nobody needs me any more).

I strongly disagree. You don’t parent other adults because…you are not their parents!

As demonstrated by earlier responses, there is a change in how you Parent adults, but your relationship would not presumably just mirror that of all their other friends. At the wedding for example, you are given special roles (and often greater financial responsibilities ). Similarly, you turn into a grandparent if they have kids, not a family friend.

You sound very immature or as if you are from a dysfunctional Family…🤔

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is depressing. Seems like most adult relationships with parents here are one sided with the benefit going towards the "child". I am supposed to just listen and not speak in our conversations, pay 100% for everything if I want to see them, give financially towards all their adult milestones and be a free babysitter when they deem me worthy to watch their kids. Don't call too much or too little, don't visit too much or too little, don't try too hard to have a relationship with DIL/SIL because that makes you needy and be ok with them not reciprocating and never have any expectations of being called, visited, or acknowledged for being used to provide whatever they needed... This sounds like a miserable way to spend your later years after putting your children first for 20+ years of their life and they can't reciprocate even simple things.

The narcissistic martyr has entered the chat. Welcome!

Could you try being more tolerant of views that do not match your own? This is a community, where one would expect to read diverse viewpoints. Try to tone down the condemnation.

Anonymous wrote:Best tip is to be there when phone rings to listen, offer advice only when asked and never offer/give money even if asked. Let them live life they create for themselves abs not one you puppet for them.

What if they text and never call (this generation!) ?

Just because someone doesn't babysit - doesn't mean they aren't present, and important to a child, and involved.

My parents did not babysit. They were loving Grandparents.