Anonymous wrote:Sorry, should have said UC, not UMC. The point being that it's strange to put down backyard weddings, thinking it's some kind of insult.

Agreed. I've been to a few backyard weddings that were held on family members' acreages or ranches. But I do love a man trying to mansplain "what all women want" to a board full of mainly women LOL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $40K wedding is absurd. I wouldn't pay for that.

Agree.
And also agree that (outrageously!) this is a fairly conservative number for a wedding in 2024.
So—take my outdate notion of what is absurd with a grain of salt.
But I still wouldn’t pay for it.
$20K max

I’d also describe myself and my family as “UMC, depending on who you ask.” Like OP, my parents’ wedding was paid for by grandparents. My parents paid for two weddings 20+ years ago in full.

I’m surprised there hasn’t been any family discussion about this. It’s less about the amount and more that the parents haven’t offered any information at all on support that they might provide.

My parents also paid for 100% of my college education at a level they could afford. There were extensive conversations about what that meant from an early age — we had similar discussions about weddings (we are delighted for you, we want to support this financially, and this is what that looks like for us).

To clarify, my parents were not high earners, but are comfortable and managed money carefully and thoughtfully. My grandparents were much the same.

Best of luck to you, OP, as you figure this out.

Sorry, should have said UC, not UMC. The point being that it's strange to put down backyard weddings, thinking it's some kind of insult.

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps casually share with them that you are planning and tapping down the headcount.

Let them know they can invite [few number of] people, [unfortunately not all their family members they assumed would attend], based on what you and fiancée have budgeted.

Either they say, "fine," or they go, "oh we forgot to tell you that we were giving you $$."

that is really weird and passive aggressive

Wanted to add that a lot of UMC people do have backyard weddings, as they actually have a big enough space to accommodate it. Bill Gates' daughter also had her's on their equestrian farm.

This OP sounds like a groom, going on and on about his fiancee's demands, and he thinks all women in their 20ties are like that. Based on tradition, the groom's parents don't pay for the wedding. So if your bride wants this and nothing else suits her, she'll have to talk to her parents. Unless you're stupid enough to pay for this yourself. Me and DH paid for our own wedding, each 1/2, were about your age (parents traditionally pay for young kids without a house to their name), and didn't have it in a backyard or a courthouse. Once your fiancee has to use her own money, her big "demands" will vanish. Btw, did you know Bush's daughters had their weddings on their ranch (I assume backyard)?

Anonymous wrote:OP if you vote Democrat then why are you trying to perpetuate your own generational wealth privilege? Where’s the “equity” in that?
Plus your life where your vote is.

OP if you vote Republican than why aren't you pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and instead waiting for someone else to pay your way? Where's the independence and self reliance in that? Put your life where your vote is.

We can do this all day.

Anonymous wrote:OP if you vote Democrat then why are you trying to perpetuate your own generational wealth privilege? Where’s the “equity” in that?
Plus your life where your vote is.

+1
The rhetoric never aligns with the practice.

OP if you vote Democrat then why are you trying to perpetuate your own generational wealth privilege? Where’s the “equity” in that?
Plus your life where your vote is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your relationship with them and the traditions in your family, OP. Do you have any siblings who had weddings before you? Any cousins whose weddings were paid for by your aunts and uncles?

We have a pretty good relationship, I visit and call them all the time. I know for a fact their wedding was paid for by my grandparents (they told me a few years ago) and my cousins weddings were most definitely paid for by their parents because there’s no way they could afford them without crippling debt (6 figure weddings and they weren’t making a lot at the time). I don’t know, I don’t want to sound entitled but it seems weird my parents haven’t really helped with life costs while they had theirs paid for by the previous generation. I had student loans upon graduation and didn’t get any help paying for my first house. My parents were gifted significant amounts by their parents when they were my age. I’ve had to do it all alone.

Mom—Dad…
You’ve mentioned before that you two were grateful to have received some help with life expenses from your parents when you were getting started. And so far I’ve been very fortunate to be able to be in a position to pay off student loans and invest in my first home on my own…but I’m wondering how you would feel about helping us out with our wedding expenses….

See if you can’t get the ball rolling on the discussion in this way. They may have been waiting for you to ask and not wanting to wound your pride?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $40K wedding is absurd. I wouldn't pay for that.

40k is not much these days and that’s cheaper than my parents was if you account for inflation.

I got married in 1994 and it was $10,000. Looking back that was too much too

Anonymous wrote:My family is UMC depending on who you ask. We are planning the wedding and my parents haven’t said anything about helping to pay for it. I don’t want to ask since it would be awkward. We don’t exactly need it but it would definitely help. It’s probably going to be about 40k. My fiances family is probably going to give a couple thousand.

Should I just assume my parents won’t give us anything if they didn’t bring it up?

How old are you and why would you want to spend that much on a party?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

What is true? How many backyard or courthouse weddings have you been to?

You said "almost all women in their 20's will have a problem" with these, why do you presume to speak for "almost all women in their 20's"? Where are you getting your information? How many weddings have you been to? It doesnt sound like many at all.

Anonymous wrote:A $40K wedding is absurd. I wouldn't pay for that.

Agree.
And also agree that (outrageously!) this is a fairly conservative number for a wedding in 2024.
So—take my outdate notion of what is absurd with a grain of salt.
But I still wouldn’t pay for it.
$20K max

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but there's no culture where you have to have a $40K wedding. You picked a woman who wants to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but there are a lot of couples of all different cultures who spend way-way less. In fact I don't think anyone but Americans would even think of a $40K wedding.

This 40k includes our rings, honeymoon, and dress/suit. So it’s really like a 30k wedding. This is cheaper than my parents wedding if you plug into an inflation calculator which didn’t seem fancy at all.

This is very much in line with a typical American wedding from everything I’ve researched. I think you’re delusional about what’s normal, maybe you got married in the 90’s. Or you are just lucky to be super frugal and married to someone else who is also frugal who doesn’t care about weddings. Almost all women in their 20’s are going to have an issue with doing a courthouse or backyard wedding, that is just reality.

This isn't even close to true. Are you a man trying to mansplain women's wants or are you an insecure bride who is desperate to justify this wedding? Either way it's a bad look, but it might help us give better answers.

What is true? How many backyard or courthouse weddings have you been to?

So which are you? Bride or groom?
I know quite a few people who've had these types of weddings, and yes *gasp* even attended some! Not every woman wants to spend $40k (!!!) on a one day pretty princess party.