No, it's not normal. It's not normal to bang your head against anything.

Anonymous wrote:Op - I read your schedule again. I am a pretty efficient adult and I can't get myself out the door from bed to shower in 45 mins. If she insists on the am shower, she needs to get up way earlier - probably more like 6.

I agree.
It’s a lot easier to handle a hair meltdown 45 minutes before you need to leave than 5 minutes before you need to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me this sounds like classic anxiety. Whether there are other problems or not, the anxiety is not under control and I think you should focus energy on that. Constant state of anxiety is a huge stressor and will only lead to worse problems later.

OP - yes that is what her therapist says as well. What other things can we do to help her cope with the anxiety?

Is she already on medication? I would ask about that. Hopefully she can get some immediate relief/reset of her mental state that buys her more space to implement and practice her coping strategies when she is not feeling intense anxiety. Also you need to empathize/connect with her and try to learn more about what she is feeling day to day. The hair is the trigger for an outburst but likely there are subtle things happening to her constantly that put her on a permanent edge. It is really really hard going through the day constantly feeling under attack. So, when you are exasperated by the outburst, remember that her anger isn’t over something silly like hair. Her anger is really from the previous 24 hours of battling relentless anxiousness. It is difficult and isolating. then the one thing you are trying to control, won’t work and you just lose it. I know it’s exhausting being the parent of, but it helps if you can understand better what she’s going through.

Op - I read your schedule again. I am a pretty efficient adult and I can't get myself out the door from bed to shower in 45 mins. If she insists on the am shower, she needs to get up way earlier - probably more like 6.

Not showering at night is gross.

Anonymous wrote:I say this recognizing that it’s WAY easier said than done.

Ignore the meltdown, do NOT solve or mitigate any problems, do NOT help with hair (she is 9), let natural consequences happen.

At 7:30, you are pulling out of the driveway. If she hasn’t eaten, she’ll be hungry till lunch, and she’ll live. If her hair looks awful, shrug. If she’s a crying snotty mess, you can hand her some tissues in the car. She needs to see that SHE can handle crappy days without any help, and that, over time, will mitigate her anxiety. Every time you step in and help fix her hair for an extra 10 mins or try to soothe her feelings, you’re teaching her that she can’t do those things herself.

I feel for you. Sounds like awful, awful mornings. Can you squeeze in 10 minutes to yourself after drop off before you start work for a little self care? Read a book, read the news, lay on the couch, drink coffee slowly? Give yourself a little break.

I don't think it's fair to intentionally deliver a wreck for the teachers and classmates to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:For the hair -- https://langehair.com/products/le-vite

This thing really helps tame my DD's long thick wavy hair after sleeping on it. It takes five mins. A conscientious kid could probably do it herself. Showering in the am is too much for a nine year old with an early start.

This.

You should think about anxiety meds. This can then allow to her really access therapy. And then, you can get off the meds.

She sounds like my kids, except my kids are much younger. I took my oldest to a behavioral evaluation at her pediatrician's office when she was 4. He recommended the book, "The Explosive Child." I highly recommend the book as well, though applying the principles taught in it will take some work.

For the hair -- https://langehair.com/products/le-vite

This thing really helps tame my DD's long thick wavy hair after sleeping on it. It takes five mins. A conscientious kid could probably do it herself. Showering in the am is too much for a nine year old with an early start.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me this sounds like classic anxiety. Whether there are other problems or not, the anxiety is not under control and I think you should focus energy on that. Constant state of anxiety is a huge stressor and will only lead to worse problems later.

OP - yes that is what her therapist says as well. What other things can we do to help her cope with the anxiety?

Is your husband treating his anxiety? If she's like him, she may be picking it up from him.

OP - sometimes he does sometimes he doesn't. He does meditation and exercise to try and treat it but then other times he drinks alcohol and doesn't treat it at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me this sounds like classic anxiety. Whether there are other problems or not, the anxiety is not under control and I think you should focus energy on that. Constant state of anxiety is a huge stressor and will only lead to worse problems later.

OP - yes that is what her therapist says as well. What other things can we do to help her cope with the anxiety?

Is your husband treating his anxiety? If she's like him, she may be picking it up from him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is so far from normal. It sounds like she can control her emotions in a variety of situations. Mental illness tends to permeate every area of life.

Personally, I would wake her up at 6. If she gets through the morning without a tantrum, then great. She can watch television or something. If she has a tantrum, then she misses her free time, and you don’t go into a panic.
I have three kids too, and one kid flipping out 5-10 minutes before we needed to get out the door has the whole household spiraling out of control.

I disagree. Some people have an amazing capacity to hold in and mask what is going on in their heads, until it builds to a head and explodes, often over something minor that seems too small for the big reaction. That's a red flag of masking.

It's a red flag for anxiety.

agree. the “masking” explanation is a pop-culture thing not really evidence based. some settings are more stressful, others are less stressful. “masking” is nonfalsifiable and also seems to put the blame on the child (some even try to make it sound like people on the spectrum are deliberately deceptive.) plenty of kids are better regulated at school because everything is predictable and structured there, but less regulated at home. with autism it would be more typical to see less regulation at school because of more transitions, a tougher time understanding the social cues of the group, more noise and sensory overload.

I am a slow riser in the morning and it's really hard for me to shower in the morning. If I get in the shower when I'm still sleepy it will also take 3x longer because I zone out and forget what I'm doing. I have to keep things pretty simple in the morning because I don't really zone in until 9:30 or 10am.

If her hair is a stressor then showering at night and then using a spray bottle to rewet and then "do" her hair could seriously cut down on morning time. Also exploring products that might make her hair more manageable. I get you are low maintenance about your appearance but she's not you. She's also 9 and just started a new school year -- you are entering the years where girls become very aware of their appearance and often highly critical of each otehr and themselves. Finding ways to help her feel confident about her appearance will help a lot and are worth the effort even if it's not really your thing. She doesn't need to spend an hour getting ready -- she just needs a good routine that creates a consistent appearance she can feel good about.

Also if this is how she's responding to her hair looking wrong then please prepare yourself for when she starts getting pimples and maybe get to a derm at the first sign.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - to answer some of the questions:

Food - she is actually a very good eater. For example - breakfast was a egg, bacon, cheese sandwich. Lunch was a sandwich on a ciabatta roll with fruit. Dinner was a rice bowl with shredded beef and veggies. Lots of fruits as a snack and sometimes some carrots. No juice or soda, only water and occasionally a homemade lemonade.

Activity - she plays a sport and has practice 2 days a week plus games once on the weekends. On non-sport days she usually goes outside to shoot hoops, play with friends, bike around the neighborhood. In the summer we swim almost every day.

Showering - she says she needs to shower in the morning because her hair is so crazy. It is pretty nuts in the mornings with the way she sleeps and also having very very thick hair. Plus I think it wakes her up in the mornings.

My DH is the slowest person in the world in the mornings - usually takes him at least an hour by the time he wakes up till the time he gets downstairs. I on the other hand wake up and am downstairs in about 15 minutes. So it is hard for me to understand why it takes everybody so much time to wake up and get ready in the mornings. I am also a VERY low maintenance person so its hard for me to sympathize with DD in the mornings when she wants her hair perfect or needs to look a certain way.

This seems like very important information. You know that your DD is just like your DH. So figure out how to give her the time she needs to wake up properly in the morning.

Also, bedtime is adjustable. If she lies in bed reading for a bit until she falls asleep, that's still restful and beneficial, rather than up and doing things in the late evening.

I think there's an issue with task initiation going on here. I struggle with this myself and it can be part of ADHD. My spouse can just get in the shower. I get derailed if there's no soap because when I get the soap I think about something else, etc. Each task like get up, get toothbrush, brush teeth, get soap, put shampoo on and on and on, can be a separate task that takes new initiating especially if I'm tired. I honestly don't understand how some people just do things and change tasks so easily.