Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an old story a while ago, which pretty much said that the role of a mother is to be a stable figure. There was a picture of a mom making food on a kitchen table, and the kids would just pop in, grab something, and leave. There was no conversation. To me, sorry to say, you sound too needy. Let your kid be. If he contacts you in emergencies, you're fine, he's fine. Don't put your own emotional issues for him to solve. Don't send any long e-mails. It's not your role. Your role is to be there when needed and you have to figure out how to manage your own emotions. It's normal for teens/young adults not to want to be around parents, and it's highly likely that he senses your neediness.

Thanks. I’m OP. Personally, I think that would be a horrible relationship. It reminds me of The Giving Tree. I do have needs. I thought I taught them that we all have needs. I agree that teenagers and young adults often forget this about their parents. I know I did, even though my mom and I were close. (We also fought a lot.)

I think a big part of what brought this on was suppressing my needs for several years while I got treated badly. And then a realization that I don’t have to do that anymore.

I can always be a convenience store for my kid, but man that is sad. And it is no real relationship.

Everyone is assuming I have a son. I have a daughter.

DP. Your daughter thinks you are needy and trying to cling to her. She is trying to get away from feeling responsible for your emotions. The best you can do is get busy with whatever there is outside of her. Work, elderly parent, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hurting here, so please no cruel responses. If you feel the need, please move on.

I have a child with high functioning ASD. Would probably have been labeled Aspergers but that diagnosis went away so it was SPCD—basically the difficulty with social relationships and communication. I should say they don’t actually accept this diagnosis and see it as a label they don’t want so that makes therapy harder.

Up until the middle teen years, while they were always quite shy out in the world, they were still extremely loving and funny with my husband and me.

That changed in later teen years and they became more and more introverted, started pulling away from us. I mean, that is normal teen stuff. But it just got worse and worse. There were some other issues I don’t want to mention here, but they kind of overtook the coldness, lack of affection. But there was therapy. It never helped much, I think partially because my child wouldn’t talk. But they always got great grades. No disciplinary stuff. Just always seemed cold, sarcastic, very introverted, no eye contact, hated touching, etc….had a small group of friends they liked so that was enough for them and if they were happy I was happy.

Over the last few years 16-18 they became more and more cold with me. One word responses. It’s like pulling teeth to have a conversation. My father is very similar to this, so it was not new to me, and it made me sad. It was very hard having a dad like this. And the idea that my only child would be like this was depressing. But I guess I held on to the way they used to be and hoped the coldness with us was a stage.

I began to feel that I was getting what I would call scraps of affection. Felt very sad and jealous when I’d see parents close to their kids. I know teens are supposed to be obnoxious but almost all the time? I had an almost too close relationship to my mom so it was very hard. But I kept holding on to the rare times they would be nice or funny or kind and trying to not think about all the other times.

This summer was ESPECIALLY bad. Everyone said it was soiling the nest. They were just so mean. I planned a whole trip for us (asked for their input a lot but they wouldn’t give any so I tried to think of things they would like) and the whole time they acted like they were doing me a big favor just by being there.

They recently left for college and almost immediately it was clear that I would have to fight to have them contact me on any kind of regular basis. Something happened where they reached out to me panicked and then as soon as the panic passed, they became angry at me for responding because they felt I overreacted. (Called in the middle of the night with possible major health problem)

I just feel….done.

I was so tired, angry, sad. I wrote a long email and wished them a good semester but said I didn’t think we should talk until fall break. (Said I was always available for emergencies but other than that could always talk to their father.)

I was angry but also grieving. And now I’m just trying to figure everything out. Empty nesting is hard. But damn even harder when your kid has been a jerk for a while now and I just realized….this is not going to change. I either learn how to accept a relationship with my kid the way THEY do relationships—which to me feels very distant and cold. Or? Have no relationship at all? Keep fighting trying to have the close relationship I wish we had. But that hasn’t worked.

I think if my child had ALWAYS been this way I obviously would have accepted it by now. It’s that they were sweet and kind. But they changed, and they do seem very much ASD now when it comes to social connections—eye contact, touching, flat tone, flat appearing emotionally. But now in addition they are physically gone. I could at least see them before. I think unless they have a panic attack they don’t really care about talking to me at all.

So, I know I need to find a therapist to talk about this with. Empty nesting is hard but the ASD makes it even harder. Or maybe my kid is just a jerk and ASD has nothing to do with it. Or I’m a terrible mother? I’m not perfect. I know that. But I did try my best and have always loved and been proud of my child.

Can you lean on your husband here? For emotional support and understanding, or not so much?

You should post on the special needs board.

This is all hard and never ending. Pls get some respite and rejuvenation.

Anonymous wrote:I’m hurting here, so please no cruel responses. If you feel the need, please move on.

I have a child with high functioning ASD. Would probably have been labeled Aspergers but that diagnosis went away so it was SPCD—basically the difficulty with social relationships and communication. I should say they don’t actually accept this diagnosis and see it as a label they don’t want so that makes therapy harder.

Up until the middle teen years, while they were always quite shy out in the world, they were still extremely loving and funny with my husband and me.

That changed in later teen years and they became more and more introverted, started pulling away from us. I mean, that is normal teen stuff. But it just got worse and worse. There were some other issues I don’t want to mention here, but they kind of overtook the coldness, lack of affection. But there was therapy. It never helped much, I think partially because my child wouldn’t talk. But they always got great grades. No disciplinary stuff. Just always seemed cold, sarcastic, very introverted, no eye contact, hated touching, etc….had a small group of friends they liked so that was enough for them and if they were happy I was happy.

Over the last few years 16-18 they became more and more cold with me. One word responses. It’s like pulling teeth to have a conversation. My father is very similar to this, so it was not new to me, and it made me sad. It was very hard having a dad like this. And the idea that my only child would be like this was depressing. But I guess I held on to the way they used to be and hoped the coldness with us was a stage.

I began to feel that I was getting what I would call scraps of affection. Felt very sad and jealous when I’d see parents close to their kids. I know teens are supposed to be obnoxious but almost all the time? I had an almost too close relationship to my mom so it was very hard. But I kept holding on to the rare times they would be nice or funny or kind and trying to not think about all the other times.

This summer was ESPECIALLY bad. Everyone said it was soiling the nest. They were just so mean. I planned a whole trip for us (asked for their input a lot but they wouldn’t give any so I tried to think of things they would like) and the whole time they acted like they were doing me a big favor just by being there.

They recently left for college and almost immediately it was clear that I would have to fight to have them contact me on any kind of regular basis. Something happened where they reached out to me panicked and then as soon as the panic passed, they became angry at me for responding because they felt I overreacted. (Called in the middle of the night with possible major health problem)

I just feel….done.

I was so tired, angry, sad. I wrote a long email and wished them a good semester but said I didn’t think we should talk until fall break. (Said I was always available for emergencies but other than that could always talk to their father.)

I was angry but also grieving. And now I’m just trying to figure everything out. Empty nesting is hard. But damn even harder when your kid has been a jerk for a while now and I just realized….this is not going to change. I either learn how to accept a relationship with my kid the way THEY do relationships—which to me feels very distant and cold. Or? Have no relationship at all? Keep fighting trying to have the close relationship I wish we had. But that hasn’t worked.

I think if my child had ALWAYS been this way I obviously would have accepted it by now. It’s that they were sweet and kind. But they changed, and they do seem very much ASD now when it comes to social connections—eye contact, touching, flat tone, flat appearing emotionally. But now in addition they are physically gone. I could at least see them before. I think unless they have a panic attack they don’t really care about talking to me at all.

So, I know I need to find a therapist to talk about this with. Empty nesting is hard but the ASD makes it even harder. Or maybe my kid is just a jerk and ASD has nothing to do with it. Or I’m a terrible mother? I’m not perfect. I know that. But I did try my best and have always loved and been proud of my child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be schizophrenia. My sister acted very similarly and ended up being diagnosed in college. I also have autism in my family so there might be a genetic link.

There are lots of comorbidities with ASD I folks. The ASD folks in my life I have had to emotionally detach from my HFA spouse and HFA daughter. It is very hard. But they will never have “normal” behaviors or empathy to life events or people. They just copy or mimic, if they feel up to it. But they’re often overwhelmed by life and in shutdown mode, so do not put any effort in to relationships or life or interests.

Try not to close doors but also don’t get stuck or lose YOUR sense of self.

Having an HFA adult child in college is a win. Take it one day at a time. I’ve found their lives are quite precarious- in a relationship, blow it up; have a job, say something crazy and are fired; getting good grades here but terrible grades and gave up there.

OP again. Yes. I am very proud of her . She worked hard and I worked hard helping her have the extracurricular things she needed to get into a good school. She did not do the “normal” things a lot of kids did, so I looked for opportunities for her to show off her abilities—of which she was gifted with many. I am extremely proud of her. I have no doubt she will be academically fine in college. I’m not so sure about socially but she would not take any of my advice about how people usually make friends. So I just let it go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an old story a while ago, which pretty much said that the role of a mother is to be a stable figure. There was a picture of a mom making food on a kitchen table, and the kids would just pop in, grab something, and leave. There was no conversation. To me, sorry to say, you sound too needy. Let your kid be. If he contacts you in emergencies, you're fine, he's fine. Don't put your own emotional issues for him to solve. Don't send any long e-mails. It's not your role. Your role is to be there when needed and you have to figure out how to manage your own emotions. It's normal for teens/young adults not to want to be around parents, and it's highly likely that he senses your neediness.

Thanks. I’m OP. Personally, I think that would be a horrible relationship. It reminds me of The Giving Tree. I do have needs. I thought I taught them that we all have needs. I agree that teenagers and young adults often forget this about their parents. I know I did, even though my mom and I were close. (We also fought a lot.)

I think a big part of what brought this on was suppressing my needs for several years while I got treated badly. And then a realization that I don’t have to do that anymore.

I can always be a convenience store for my kid, but man that is sad. And it is no real relationship.

Everyone is assuming I have a son. I have a daughter.

Anonymous wrote:I read an old story a while ago, which pretty much said that the role of a mother is to be a stable figure. There was a picture of a mom making food on a kitchen table, and the kids would just pop in, grab something, and leave. There was no conversation. To me, sorry to say, you sound too needy. Let your kid be. If he contacts you in emergencies, you're fine, he's fine. Don't put your own emotional issues for him to solve. Don't send any long e-mails. It's not your role. Your role is to be there when needed and you have to figure out how to manage your own emotions. It's normal for teens/young adults not to want to be around parents, and it's highly likely that he senses your neediness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be schizophrenia. My sister acted very similarly and ended up being diagnosed in college. I also have autism in my family so there might be a genetic link.

There are lots of comorbidities with ASD I folks. The ASD folks in my life I have had to emotionally detach from my HFA spouse and HFA daughter. It is very hard. But they will never have “normal” behaviors or empathy to life events or people. They just copy or mimic, if they feel up to it. But they’re often overwhelmed by life and in shutdown mode, so do not put any effort in to relationships or life or interests.

Try not to close doors but also don’t get stuck or lose YOUR sense of self.

Having an HFA adult child in college is a win. Take it one day at a time. I’ve found their lives are quite precarious- in a relationship, blow it up; have a job, say something crazy and are fired; getting good grades here but terrible grades and gave up there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be schizophrenia. My sister acted very similarly and ended up being diagnosed in college. I also have autism in my family so there might be a genetic link.

There are lots of comorbidities with ASD I folks. The ASD folks in my life I have had to emotionally detach from my HFA spouse and HFA daughter. It is very hard. But they will never have “normal” behaviors or empathy to life events or people. They just copy or mimic, if they feel up to it. But they’re often overwhelmed by life and in shutdown mode, so do not put any effort in to relationships or life or interests.

Try not to close doors but also don’t get stuck or lose YOUR sense of self.

Having an HFA adult child in college is a win. Take it one day at a time. I’ve found their lives are quite precarious- in a relationship, blow it up; have a job, say something crazy and are fired; getting good grades here but terrible grades and gave up there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an autistic 18yo DD. I really wish I knew what this secret controversial issue is about, OP. I have no clue and have read every autism book I could find over the last decade. Is it something sexual that has you so reticent to share? My DD is asexual, which is very common with ASD.

No. But a somewhat common overlap. She may be asexual too, but that is not any issue. It’s not an “issue” for me. I have been supportive of her. Just complicates our relationship. Unfortunately, there is no private messaging here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.

SPCD is a useless diagnosis. A lot of repetitive behaviors develop later and a lot of rigid behaviors can be present without the stereotypical autistic stims like hand flapping etc. And FWIW my kid’s repetitive behaviors are the least important in the scheme of things - they’re literally just a heightened variety of what we all do, like knee-jiggling when bored or tense.

OP since you never embraced the autism label I suggest you take one GIANT step back and do some reading of blogs and books by autistic adults. Maybe Neurotribes if you haven’t read it (RIP Steve Silberman). I think you’ve behaved absolutely abominably by dramatically cutting off your kid at a time when they may be vulnerable, and in reaction to their very age-appropriate behavior. But maybe it’s a good thing for you to get some distance to get therapy to differentiate yourself better from your kid, and also to learn about autism.

OP did not "cut off" this kid. OP deferred primary parenting to the kid's father, which is appropriate under these circumstances. The kid is being supported through college, as is appropriate.

OP, you and DC should probably get some therapy individually and as a pair. This transition is rough for many families, and rougher for families of kids with ASD

OP sent an email to her kid declaring she wouldn’t contact her for the rest lf the semester. It was probably appropriate for her to back off but she needs to seriously examine why she is creating drama.