Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you kick them out? What are the logistics of that, I mean? No, I am not remotely there yet, but I think having a plan would ease some of this new anxiety. We weren't expecting this at all!

If you can live with yourself with kicking your child out of their home for not making a choice that you think is the only one, that doesn’t say much about what kind of person you are.

The alternative is a failure to launch child. I wouldn’t necessarily kick the kid out but I would demand that they have a plan to support themselves in the near future. Otherwise their “choice”
appears to be to never support themselves.

Anonymous wrote:Let her work at a retail or food service job PT and see if she changes her tune about college. Just make sure if it's a restaurant, it doesn't serve alcohol.

Yep because that’s what parent do, dictate your every move.

The restaurant business is a career choice for many. It’s a tough one but in high end restaurants salaries are in the six figures.

I think many of you don’t know much beyond your small worlds. You only know STEM, law and maybe a few other careers like a government worker.

An ambitious person will find their way. Entrepreneurship is a big one. My sister had a medical tech job but ended up opening several small businesses. It fit her perfectly. Many tech jobs don’t need a college degree. All the applicant has to do is show what they know. Some of these kids have the type of brain to self teach themselves this stuff.

It’d be a lot easier for everyone if their kids continued their education after high school but it’s not for everyone and there are now more opportunities than ever to work for yourself or work your way up with training on the job.

Let her work at a retail or food service job PT and see if she changes her tune about college. Just make sure if it's a restaurant, it doesn't serve alcohol.

Mine don't have to go to college, but do have to learn some trade. They're welcome to live at home and I'll pay expenses so long as they're working towards that goal.

My DD is starting to think like this. Her district has a program with several unions and during her junior and senior year she can apprentice, be paid $30/hour, and still be working towards her HS degree. Upon graduation she will have a journeyman certification. She has stellar grades and extracurriculars but is doubting if she wants to have the kind of career that a traditional, t50 college degree might lead to.

I’m not sure if she would pursue the apprenticeship program, but she would have sufficient salary to live on after graduation if she did. It’s great to know that the program exists.

Anonymous wrote:How do you kick them out? What are the logistics of that, I mean? No, I am not remotely there yet, but I think having a plan would ease some of this new anxiety. We weren't expecting this at all!

If you can live with yourself with kicking your child out of their home for not making a choice that you think is the only one, that doesn’t say much about what kind of person you are.

Anonymous wrote:I think you could say that by September it would be your expectation that she would move out and she will no longer be able to use your home as her permanent home. You could offer to help her plan a budget and even give her money for a security deposit. You two should also start to brainstorm jobs that she could get without a college degree.

Americans typically don’t kick their kids out of their home for making the choice of not going to college. That is cruel and way too harsh.

You can require that she work. She’ll be out in the world. She’ll meet people, she might find something that interests her. She might find a job that has a training program. She might find a trade she’s interested in or a job she loves.

Half of college graduates hate their jobs after they graduate and hate the major they chose. Not everyone is ready to commit at 18 years old. It’s not a tragedy.

Anonymous wrote:OP, did I miss her explanation of why she doesn't want to go and what her plans are?

Does she think she can stay home forever, do nothing productive, and you'll support her?

OP has no idea—they don’t seem to actually talk to each other.

She gets a full time job and she takes over all her own expenses (transportation, phone, food) other than housing. Then you charge her a reasonable amount (maybe 25% of a full time wage- whatever the going rate would be to live with roommates) for room or room and board (if it’s easier for you to shop / cook.

You can then decide if you want to save her room / bird and return it to her down the road or not.

OP, did I miss her explanation of why she doesn't want to go and what her plans are?

Does she think she can stay home forever, do nothing productive, and you'll support her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you kick them out? What are the logistics of that, I mean? No, I am not remotely there yet, but I think having a plan would ease some of this new anxiety. We weren't expecting this at all!

what do you mean, “how”? do you ever discipline your kids? you seem weirdly to lack agency here.

You seem to have no idea how this really works. If your child refuses to go you can’t just change the locks. It’s not legal.

Yes you can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you kick them out? What are the logistics of that, I mean? No, I am not remotely there yet, but I think having a plan would ease some of this new anxiety. We weren't expecting this at all!

what do you mean, “how”? do you ever discipline your kids? you seem weirdly to lack agency here.

You seem to have no idea how this really works. If your child refuses to go you can’t just change the locks. It’s not legal.

Anonymous wrote:For a kid who is college material but didn't want to go:

I would continue to provide room and board as long as she was a good "roommate"-- cleaning up after herself, helpful, etc.

I would encourage but not require community college classes.

I would require a job, either PT with community college or FT without.

I would

I would not treat a decision not to go immediately to college as something that requires "tough love" or punishment. The idea that a kid gets kicked out of the house at high school graduation because they don't want to go away to college? Ridiculous. And also bullsh*t. Some of you love to pretend you're so tough.

I feel this way too but I think it depends on the kid. I have a strong sense that OP’s daughter has some kind of unresolved dependency or immaturity or anxiety. Accomodating her by letting her hide at home sounds like it could really snowball. OP sounds kind of useless so I doubt she would actually require her DD to get or keep a job. This is literally failure-to-launch in action. If it was a somewhat proactive and sensible kid who just did not want to go to college - sure, let them benefit from saving on rent. But doesn’t sound like the case here. It’s just not developmentally normal to want to stay home after HS graduation.

I'm a subspecialty physician of 20 years, graduated with honors.

My jr year of HS I (apparently, I have only a distant memory of this) sat my mom down and told her I wasn't going to college, that I was moving into a group house with my girlfriends, and what was the big deal. She nearly had a seizure.

What was really going on? I was bored, rootless, spending too much time with friends and not enough time on goals, school, sports, music. Basically I wasn't busy enough doing things that challenged my brain. I was also dating a guy a few years older than me who didn't go to college (parents didn't know). Why was all that happening? Long story but essentially parents had divorced 4-5 years prior and it took everyone a while to get their lives back together. In the meantime I became a teenager and decided that partying was way more fun than practicing piano.

I don't blame my parents for the divorce. I do blame them for taking their eye off the ball for that long. It was too much time at a crucial developmental time in my life. Ultimately I came to my senses, dumped the guy (my mom did insist on this when she found out), got into a top 25 school (despite slacking at school I did ok and this was also the 90's when it wasn't crazy competitive like now), and did fine. But it was all in the making for a while, and there were some specific underlying reasons behind my meandering.

So dig deeper OP. The questions isn't the what here, it's the why. She doesn't have to go right away. But you need to understand what's going on.

Anonymous wrote:How do you kick them out? What are the logistics of that, I mean? No, I am not remotely there yet, but I think having a plan would ease some of this new anxiety. We weren't expecting this at all!

what do you mean, “how”? do you ever discipline your kids? you seem weirdly to lack agency here.