Let’s be honest, OP is probably in a Republican circle.

Anonymous wrote:Dh and many of my dad friends love their children and are full partners in rasing them. My father adored me and we did things together and he still calls and worries etc. Now he has added granddaughters to his circle and is such a positive influence on them. Because of this example, i tried to chose a partner who would be similar and interested in actually raising good humans. Dh changed diapers, rocked, researched diaper creams, now is on PTA and finds activities kids will like and takes them. He does daddy daugher dinner out with each kid a couple times a hear, willingly plays teaparty but also teaches them to do pullups. And frankly many of my friends are the same and those that arent im not close to.

This is great to hear but also I don't think it's that common.

For instance my dad was not like this at all. I think my dad barely even thinks about his kids as separate people who are deserving of his love or attention. He mostly sees our relationship only in how it impacts him. He did provide for us but I absolutely think he did this largely out of obligation. Truthfully my mom was only marginally better in terms of relationship -- again I think she thinks about her kids largely insofar as those relationships impact her. But because of the nature of the care my mom provided (direct childcare as opposed to financial support) it kind of forced her to look at us more as people and to care more about us on an individualized basis. Also women shame other women for being distant from their kids or not seeming to care about them and my mom is very susceptible to that shame. But like my dad I think she did this largely out of obligation.

I hope I am undoing the damage from that in my own family. Certainly DH and I are better than my parents were (we truly chose to become parents after considering not doing it and we also had fewer kids out of a desire to dedicate more energy and attention to the kids we have). But I still worry because unlike you we didn't have an upbringing with parents who really "adored" us. There's no blueprint. I think people who have this in their background are so lucky.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men love their children.

But not in the same way as women. Men's priority is the woman with whom they are sleeping. If that relationship ends (widowed, divorced), they will prioritize finding a new woman to sleep with, and it is very clear that finding and establishing this new relationship comes before their existing children.

Men seem to struggle with maintaining their relationship with children when the children's mother disappears.

Not true. My relationship with my dad improved after my mom died. He had just figured that she needed our connection to be stronger, so he took a backseat. I think men are less emotional about their love, but at least some men truly love their kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I ask this because all the men that I know spend very little time with their kids. They provide financially but make very little effort to spend time with their kids or parent. It seems like many men love the idea of a family but don’t actually want to be an active parent.

I remember watching Jimmy Kimmel and the dad’s couldn’t even get their kid’s birthday’s right. The mom’s knew all the answer’s

You hang out with some low quality men. My DH would walk to the end of the earth for our kids and loves them every bit as much as I do. I know many other dads that are like this too, including the close friends of my husband. They are high quality men. The ones you refer to are not.

I think people observe a range of fathers doing a range of things and then assemble the anecdotes to support whatever their preexisting view of fathers was. I have seen moms acting detached as well.

Also, a few people have mentioned “just a financial provider” or otherwise minimized that role. For those (men or women) who do take on that role, it is most definitely a profound expression of love. How do I make sure the family is secure, no matter what happens? The constant planning and worrying. The money doesn’t just magically show up in the bank account.

Now feel free to share your anecdotes of dads who aren’t the main breadwinner and are still detached, as though that proves anything except for your hunger for confirmation.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve often wondered something similar but for a different reason. I would never leave my kids and move out to go live somewhere else. Men do it ALL the time, women much less frequently. It’s not that I think they don’t love their kids, I just literally can’t comprehend how they can do it.

My dad did it, my own husband did it (left his kids with his ex). I just wouldn’t.

They do it because they are selfish. They would rather blow up their families than fix themselves and their marriages.

I saw a man on a school field trip with his kid.

He literally was in his phone with his office the entire day. Never sat one on one, present in the moment with the kid.

On the bus on the way home, I heard him call his wife and say how great it was for them to have that time together.

I wanted to grab the phone and tell her the truth.

Maybe he believed what he was saying?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I ask this because all the men that I know spend very little time with their kids. They provide financially but make very little effort to spend time with their kids or parent. It seems like many men love the idea of a family but don’t actually want to be an active parent.

I remember watching Jimmy Kimmel and the dad’s couldn’t even get their kid’s birthday’s right. The mom’s knew all the answer’s

I am sorry you have not had better examples.

Mostly there are low expectations for male parents and unattainable expectations for female parents.

Some men definitely do step up though.

Anonymous wrote:Just the usual DCUM misandry.

If the post was about generalizing about all women, it would've been removed by now.

+1

It’s this forum in a nutshell.
Completely divorced from reality.

Anonymous wrote:Do men love their kids? YES

Like truly love their kids NO or do they just take care of them out of obligation? NO

They just swing around when it’s convenient for themselves. But don’t do anything helpful or impactful.

Maybe drive them around like an Uber guy. Or ask them how their day was, but listen and keep walking. No back and forth communication.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I ask this because all the men that I know spend very little time with their kids. They provide financially but make very little effort to spend time with their kids or parent. It seems like many men love the idea of a family but don’t actually want to be an active parent.

I remember watching Jimmy Kimmel and the dad’s couldn’t even get their kid’s birthday’s right. The mom’s knew all the answer’s

The problem is that you are thinking that spending time with the kids equals loving them. You can spend time with kids and hate them. There are different ways to show love.
Men and women express love differently.

You can also sit in the same house and room as them, say nothing, never connect and just fondle your iPhone or work computer.

Quality time and connecting >>>>> time and neglect

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve often wondered something similar but for a different reason. I would never leave my kids and move out to go live somewhere else. Men do it ALL the time, women much less frequently. It’s not that I think they don’t love their kids, I just literally can’t comprehend how they can do it.

My dad did it, my own husband did it (left his kids with his ex). I just wouldn’t.

They do it bc it’s the most practical way to make more money and start over and they figure the mom
Is a good mom and can handle it for them. Men are practical creatures.

Why did you marry someone who did this? Probably for the financial attraction. QED.

Men who create a second life for themselves when they fail in their first aren't "practical creatures" they're spineless cowards. Practical creatures would understand that it's "cheaper to keep her", at a minimum, and that one household is less costly than two. From there, they'd take practical steps to make that household functional, if not happy.

And if they "figure the mom is a good mom", why do they so often disparage the mothers they task with doing all of the work of raising their children?

Touche. And common. Fail at kids and marriage one, hit the Restart button with another women, never have kids again. And if accidentally do, make sure the SAHM does everything per agreement

Anonymous wrote:My DH coaches our kids’ sports, listens to parenting podcasts, takes them to medical appointments (one of our kids has some special needs requiring some extra appointments), plays video games with them, takes them camping, drives carpool, etc. And when we lay in bed at night we talk about things going on in their lives that we are worried about or planning for or whatever. He is the one other person on the planet who I know loves my kids as much as I do and that he would jump in front of a bullet for them.

His group of dad friends is the same. I don’t think they’re an anomaly. This generation of dads seem to be more open about taking on a caregiver role rather than just a financial provider role.

That’s great! So is my brother, and father of four kids, and senior military. Involved, caring, spends all his time out of office on the home improvements, helping kids w sports or studies, helping the community & socializing.

Opposite of my spouse, who does screen and work all the time, can’t talk about much, ignores problems like the kids adhd or wrong sports team. Never advocates, hides instead.

Just the usual DCUM misandry.

If the post was about generalizing about all women, it would've been removed by now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men love their children.

But not in the same way as women. Men's priority is the woman with whom they are sleeping. If that relationship ends (widowed, divorced), they will prioritize finding a new woman to sleep with, and it is very clear that finding and establishing this new relationship comes before their existing children.

Men seem to struggle with maintaining their relationship with children when the children's mother disappears.

100%

+1

Also agree. This is what is happening when you see a man in his 2nd marriage prioritize his stepkids over the kids from his first marriage (for example).