Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.


Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

Honestly, he might have realized what it would cost to divorce and decided to stay. He might be hiding $. A friend's husband did this. Pretended to want back in (after cheating) and pretended to do the work. We all told her to talk to an attorney asap. She didn't. After a little more than a year (and he continued to cheat), he filed and pretended he had no money, etc. He hid it. He had put things in his new girlfriends name, made it seem like she suddenly had millions of $$ (she was a waitress at a restaurant he owned). He was worth easily $25+ million (owner of a company he sold). She went through multiple attorneys, forensic accountants, and finally had to put liens on homes and another business in order to eventually collect a few million, when she would have been received far more if she had spoken to an attorney right. She was on food stamps and deep in debt for years until she finally received a settlement. They owned multiple 2-5+ million dollar homes and he just kept appealing everything and counter suing to basically try and make her stop/miserable/etc.

Whatever you decide, hire an attorney and get a consultation. I am serious. He might cheat again, he will just become better at it, and if he realized how much money he would loose and potential alimony, he might have decided to say or do whatever not to loose that $. How did you find out? Did he tell you? If you found out that says a lot too...

Why stay? What does he bring to your life other than saying you have a "successful" marriage? What is success anyway? You have kids, you had some good years, not everything needs to last forever. If you were in a toxic job you would leave. Is it fear of the unknown? Is staying worse never knowing if he cheats and brings home an STD? What is he leaves2, 5 10 years from now? You need to protect your assets especially if he is really successful, some young woman might see that as a ticket to the high life. Whatever you decide to do, get a post nup, talk to an attorney, and protect your assets and your kids assets (you think if he remarries some young thing your kids will ever get money, heck no).

Anonymous wrote:

Don't care. I will do what I need to do now. I'm putting my needs 1st from now on.

Anonymous wrote:


Does your wife know about the revenge fling? How very immature of you. Tit for tat right?

So you threw away your own integrity because your wife did? That would just make me feel worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

Don't care. I will do what I need to do now. I'm putting my needs 1st from now on.

Anonymous wrote:


Does your wife know about the revenge fling? How very immature of you. Tit for tat right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

? People do find work fulfilling or interesting for all kinds of reasons separate from money (being of service, in community, self esteem, interest in the field etc)

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.


Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.