Anonymous
Post 08/24/2024 22:08     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Yep. Most of Gen X. Even those of us whose parents never divorced. Significant therapy and still trying to understand finances. My parents have little space for self reflection or conversations about feelings. Mom still talks at me. I’m reading about cycle breaking and doing the work, which is not out loud or direct with them. It’s been liberating to not get hooked into their patterns. At times I envy my sibling who married into a supportive and communicative family. My spouse is similar to myself minus doing the work to heal. It’s slow going reparenting myself and he does see the value. I’m hopeful and steadier. Have an excellent chosen family.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2024 20:40     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function


And that was a bad thing?!?


Of course not! No one suggested that.It just became the main thing I became attracted to. It is interesting that’s all.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2024 11:57     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?


I realized when I was very young that they loved my but where wrapped in there own issues. Also, lacked the life skills to teach me.

I wanted better for myself, I started listening to other adults, following the news and reading a lot. Now my life skills are so high that my parents can’t comprehend them.

My brother on the other hand is lacking them, but has a wife that makes decisions for him.

I try to teach my kids life skills and I going to set up a multi million dollar trust fund for them. I may be over compensating.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2024 10:21     Subject: Re:Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Yes.

Therapy, self reflection, reparenting, trauma work, journaling, spiritual guidance. It will be a lifelong work.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2024 05:36     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Anonymous wrote:I don't think most of us who were teens in the 80s ever got much advice. We just watched our parents and learned and saw how they worked and what they did, which is how we developed life and work skills.
I don't remember a single talk about what I should study or do as a job.

+1. I just paid attention to the adults around me and decided which were good role models and followed them. Lucky my mom was 1 of them, but she never verbally “taught” me what to do. I just followed her and other adults’ examples
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2024 05:31     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Anonymous wrote:savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function


And that was a bad thing?!?
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2024 23:04     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?


My spouse did.
His dad and mom (and him and his brother) are all on the high functioning side of the autism spectrum.

I’ve tried to provide role modeling via myself, my brothers, my parents, vacationing with other families. And for awhile we sent the kids to private school so they became more social and socialized. Otherwise it’s all on me.

My spouse doesn’t acknowledge, however, what you are acknowledging. That there was a level of neglect and cluelessness and missing emotional support. He doesn’t realize that it was his guidance counselor that saw this dynamic and helped him get into college, the same one the counselor went to. He doesn’t realize that most of the world does not sit in silence during car rides or family dinners. Or that other kids did activities after school or took a real vacation once in awhile.

Unf his normal is neglect and isolation.

I stay for the kids. Everyone in my support network knows what I am going through. No meds will help him. He lies at therapy. He is closed off and thinks everyone else is crazy. Crazy to talk so much, do a sport, go out at night, go on trips. He cannot fathom another way of living besides his parents way. Which was quite off.


I’m sorry this is your family dynamic. You are a strong person to manage this situation.

I’m always curious about these marriages to high functioning autistic spouses. In hindsight, were there red flags? Personally, I can’t imagine being in this type of relationship.


Spouse of HFA man here. Red flags in hindsight- excelling at medical training tasks which required 8-12 hours a day of studying.

Red flag- his Parents with no friends who behaved oddly upon visits (overly friendly and fake). Mom not talking on car rides. Only One sister in law never married never dated no kids. It was not allowed to ask her story or ask her if she had been dating.

His family would say I was soooo funny when I was just being a normal person, I thought.

I was tricked because I was so thankful to be marrying a doctor. I wish I had become one myself rather than following him but now it’s too late for me.

Anonymous
Post 08/23/2024 20:32     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Thanks. I am happy you figured it out.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2024 11:38     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Stop blaming your parents
- it's a simple answer and the one that works

Everyone gets 2 opportunities in life to have a happy family. One you get no choice in. It's the family you are born into. The other is the family you create by marrying and having your own children.

Choose to create a happy family
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2024 10:28     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
I only really became determined to get better after having kids. It wasn't natural for me to give my kids hugs, tell them I love them throughout the day, ask them about their feelings, and help them deal with their problems. It also isn't natural for me to hug and kiss my husband outside the bedroom. I have to make a conscious effort, and I do, but it's not as natural as I see in other families. It may take generations to break.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2024 10:22     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Anonymous wrote:It made me extremely self-reliant and resilient. I do not expect that anyone would do anything for me. I often feel responsible for others' wellbeing though. I have always deep and long lasting friendships. I'm a pretty happy and joyful person. The upside of having zero expectations towards others is that I am never disappointed and always feel gratitude for the people in my life. I did pick a partner who is rather avoidant too. So two avoidants together has it's challenges.


I am highly self-reliant and assume nothing from anyone. My partner is not avoidant like I am, so we've had challenges where he wants us to be more of a cohesive marital unit, and I need to have a degree of independence. I'm working on it, but I don't know if I can ever depend on someone when it really matters. I also get slightly annoyed when I feel people ask too much of me - like my first reaction is, do it yourself. I usually get past those thoughts.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2024 10:03     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
huh, I am the last child of six. I am actually against large families. Most people can not pull it off.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2024 09:46     Subject: Re:Parents who provide zero guidance and support
I’m the last child of 6.

My parents over parented the 1st 2 and while 1 is a genius he has severe anxiety. One died of alcoholism.

The next 2 probably had normal parenting.

The last 2 include me. No parenting which I partly blame on being tired… I mostly blame it on moving my sick and early dementia grandmother into our home. Besides the terror of my grandmother calling the cops regularly that eventually just was part of life. My mom was too involved in her care to spend a moment with us. My dad did his job of working, paying the bills and attending our sports events but that’s it.

I’m doing well, the other is a severe alcoholic

Anonymous
Post 08/23/2024 08:21     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
My husband. His family is appearances only.

I recently learned he’s been having a years long affair and blew up our family and we’re divorcing. He pretends the whole thing isn’t happening and his family is too
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2024 21:40     Subject: Parents who provide zero guidance and support
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?


I think, in some ways, I won the genetic lottery and have a lot of innate resiliency, strength and intelligence. School was a safe place for me and I receive a lot of positive reinforcement from teachers who must have known what was going on in my home and were supportive and encouraging. Add to that, I had friends and my friends' parents. I can't express enough appreciation for the parents of my friends who were so very kind to me. Not only did they show me what "normal" should be, they allowed me to be a part of it when I was with them.

With one exception, my siblings were not so lucky. Same environment, same parents but very different results. I don't know why 2 of us turned out so differently than the other 4.


I had this too. My friends had loving and involved parents. They brought me into their fold and made me a part of their family. I got the support from them I didn't receive from my parents. My parents were overwhelmed by the adversity that slammed into their lives. I feel that I was fortunate the way I found so much love from my friends' parents.