Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. That was NOT ideal. We hadn't been dating long enough to get married, but had the baby. He's a decent catch- good looking, financially stable, educated, smart, owns a home. Nice family. Decent dad. If someone rejected him just because we never married, they would be pretty stupid.

Why didn't you have an abortion in this circumstance?

huge red flag on both of you.

Even if your answer is "My values are that I could never have an abortion" - then that is a religious red flag to stay far, far away from you.

DP, but I am non-religious and pro choice. But still I’ve always known if I got accidentally pregnant I would keep the baby. I’ve always accepted pregnancy as a risk of when protected sex and have been honest with partners that I would not be comfortable terminating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol. So divorce establishes the permission structure. “See? I’m not the only one who thought he was marriage material.”

So weird.

No, that is not the logic. I’d marry someone who was never married as well. Divorce says….I think having a baby with someone is serious enough to warrant marriage. It sucks that the marriage didn’t work out. There is surely stuff to investigate on why it ended. But we are on the same page with respect to the importance of kids being born inside of marriage. Everyone doesn’t have to agree. Those just happen to be my values, and something I want my partner to agree with.

What if the guy wanted to get married but the mother didn’t? It takes two to have a wedding.

People have accidental pregnancies all the time. You have no idea what the circumstances are. But hey, if that's a deal breaker for you, then that's your choice.

Anonymous wrote:In some cultures it is the norm.

Lots of abominable things are the norm in lots of cultures.

In some cultures it is the norm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. That was NOT ideal. We hadn't been dating long enough to get married, but had the baby. He's a decent catch- good looking, financially stable, educated, smart, owns a home. Nice family. Decent dad. If someone rejected him just because we never married, they would be pretty stupid.

Why didn't you have an abortion in this circumstance?

huge red flag on both of you.

Even if your answer is "My values are that I could never have an abortion" - then that is a religious red flag to stay far, far away from you.

This is my take too. Don’t have sec with someone until you know they wouldn’t want a baby. Then if you mess up, it won’t derail your life.

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. That was NOT ideal. We hadn't been dating long enough to get married, but had the baby. He's a decent catch- good looking, financially stable, educated, smart, owns a home. Nice family. Decent dad. If someone rejected him just because we never married, they would be pretty stupid.

Why didn't you have an abortion in this circumstance?

huge red flag on both of you.

Even if your answer is "My values are that I could never have an abortion" - then that is a religious red flag to stay far, far away from you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol. So divorce establishes the permission structure. “See? I’m not the only one who thought he was marriage material.”

So weird.

No, that is not the logic. I’d marry someone who was never married as well. Divorce says….I think having a baby with someone is serious enough to warrant marriage. It sucks that the marriage didn’t work out. There is surely stuff to investigate on why it ended. But we are on the same page with respect to the importance of kids being born inside of marriage. Everyone doesn’t have to agree. Those just happen to be my values, and something I want my partner to agree with.

Yep. People who have kids out of wedlock are trashy.

Anonymous wrote:lol. So divorce establishes the permission structure. “See? I’m not the only one who thought he was marriage material.”

So weird.

No, that is not the logic. I’d marry someone who was never married as well. Divorce says….I think having a baby with someone is serious enough to warrant marriage. It sucks that the marriage didn’t work out. There is surely stuff to investigate on why it ended. But we are on the same page with respect to the importance of kids being born inside of marriage. Everyone doesn’t have to agree. Those just happen to be my values, and something I want my partner to agree with.

lol. So divorce establishes the permission structure. “See? I’m not the only one who thought he was marriage material.”

So weird.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. That was NOT ideal. We hadn't been dating long enough to get married, but had the baby. He's a decent catch- good looking, financially stable, educated, smart, owns a home. Nice family. Decent dad. If someone rejected him just because we never married, they would be pretty stupid.

Why don’t you marry him if he became such a catch then?

EXACTLY

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. That was NOT ideal. We hadn't been dating long enough to get married, but had the baby. He's a decent catch- good looking, financially stable, educated, smart, owns a home. Nice family. Decent dad. If someone rejected him just because we never married, they would be pretty stupid.

Why don’t you marry him if he became such a catch then?

My ex and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. That was NOT ideal. We hadn't been dating long enough to get married, but had the baby. He's a decent catch- good looking, financially stable, educated, smart, owns a home. Nice family. Decent dad. If someone rejected him just because we never married, they would be pretty stupid.

You can have literally whatever standards you want and don’t need permission or advice from this aggregated group of strangers or your friend. If you care about getting married then people who are in their 40s without or without kids who have never married likely aren’t going to be your jam. On the other hand, plenty of people don’t care about the piece of paper and have decades long relationships, even- gasp- with kids. Neither is right or wrong just what works for the individual person.

Anonymous wrote:One kid out of wedlock, fine.

More than one, no way.

This. I live in the south in a small ish town. The men I know who do this are actually LMC and white and very young. Most have multiple kids with the women and don’t marry.