Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, interesting timing for this thread for me! I just had a date last night with a man who said he loves rail fanning. He didn't get too into details, but it seems like they're people who spend time watching trains. Should this be a red flag?

If you don’t like nerds, then yes.

I like nerds and think this is adorable. Model railroads, model rockets, and painting fantasy figurines are also green lights for me.

Everyone likes something different, and thank goodness! The only things that deal breakers are the things YOU don’t want in a partner. And that’s cool. Let him go to find somebody who loves training for marathons or weather chasing or whatever.

+1

The key thing, OP, is the issue of "he puts the hobby ahead of everything else" that you experienced with the BF you had. That's the problem, not the specific hobby itself. My DH is in two bands; devotes many hours each year to an academic competition he helps run; and is a huge fan of something akin to trainspotting (never heard of rail fanning but watching trains is called trainspotting). But he never, ever would put those things ahead of, say, an important family event, or a school event he wanted or needed to attend for our kid's sake, or a family vacation. It IS important to him that he keep commitments he makes to his bandmates and the others in the academic event! And he models the idea of keeping commitments. But he has never (in 30 years) put them truly ahead of me and our now adult child.

OP, it sounds like you dodged a bullet by dumping a BF who put the sport ahead of the relationship. If your BF would have put his training (not even an actual competition, but his training!) ahead of, say, a family event where you truly wanted/needed him with you -- that is not a good sign for a long-term happy relationship. Maybe if he were, oh, a national or Olympic level athlete and this were his main job, I would get that. But...nope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anything that requires 3+ hours to do, they do it at least once a week and it takes priority over all else. Golf, marathons, gaming, college sports viewing… doesn’t matter what it is, if they refuse to attend another event because ‘the game is on, I’m almost at the next level, I always golf at 6, ….’ I’m out.

Translation: Anyone who won't drop everything they're doing for my honey-do list.

Another way of putting that is husbands are expected to co parent and golfing all day doesn't get them out of it

Politics. I really don’t even care which party but if you’re at the nutty edge I’m out.

Militant dog/cat rescue involvement

A retired couple from my church are insanely involved with dog rescues. To the point where they get in somewhat dangerous situations. For example: the husband (72 yrs old) drove from CA to OK to some rescue to pick up a truckload of dogs to bring back here to CA. The rescue was poorly managed and he had to immediately turn around and head back to CA with all these dogs, having little rest. (He was expecting to stay in the town overnight before heading back with all the dogs.) It was an arduous trip back home and he was in no shape to be driving. All for a truckload of dogs. And I think he was expecting head pats or something, but I thought it was unnecessarily risky to make this trip. But, I guess we all make our choices.

Competitive bodybuilding
Casino gambling

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care what the hobby is, I care about the level of obsessiveness. I do actually want someone who cares about their hobby so fantasy figurines, CrossFit, whatever are all good with me — it makes people interesting and they’ll understand why I want to do my hobbies too. I can’t stand people whose hobbies are things like reading and hanging out with friends and listening to music which imo are just. Things everyone does. But I also don’t want to be with someone whose hobbies are more important to them than their relationships and who can’t see the value in things other period want to do/think their partner should always prioritize their hobby.

Why can't you "stand people" for whom these are hobbies? And no, most people barely pick up a book. I read a study done a few years ago, and reading 3 books in a year put one in the "heavy reader" category in the US.

These are introvert hobbies. We like who we like and if they’re not around, we are happy to hang out by ourselves. We are totally fine without your judgment, thank you. 😊

Anonymous wrote:Shopping
Nail art
Hair/make up
Militant dog/cat rescue involvement

Nail art?

Not necessarily a deal breaker, but triathlons, marathon running, and golf are all very big-time sucks, so I'd proceed with caution. It cost one friend a marriage because she was so obsessive about her training that she neglected her kids, marriage, and job.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the sports watching, especially if the person themselves never even played a sport at all. But the obsessiveness about sports stuff is a turn off for me for sure.

Anybody else who is so into something that it becomes their entire personality. For example, CrossFit, keto, gym multiple times a day etc…those types of folks can’t help but try and convince you that you also need to be a part of this lifestyle. And it’s also typically all they talk about.

This. Nobody cares how many burpees you do! It's very self-focused.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a football fan obsessively and caring too much. As if their athleticism somehow transfers to your couch-shaped ass, as if you're represented by them. As if CTE doesn't exist. It's tacky.

Aren't you special. It is possible to live a normal life and really love the most popular sport in the US by a landslide. A shame you're limiting yourself so much.

It's not just liking the sport, it's planning your whole life around it and using it as a source of self-esteem.

Agree with the sports watching, especially if the person themselves never even played a sport at all. But the obsessiveness about sports stuff is a turn off for me for sure.

Anybody else who is so into something that it becomes their entire personality. For example, CrossFit, keto, gym multiple times a day etc…those types of folks can’t help but try and convince you that you also need to be a part of this lifestyle. And it’s also typically all they talk about.

Hunting is a big big no.
Gaming.
Fishing.
Watching football.
Betting or gambling.

DH started cycling and running competitively a few years after we got married, and it has been a very long journey. He absolutely pulls his weight around the house, that said, I have spent a lot of time solo parenting and prioritizing his needs over my own.

it’s a hard lifestyle if you yourself aren’t an outdoorsy person and it’s awful when you have little kids. the upside is that at 47 he’s hot, fit, and has tons of energy to coach kids sports, which means I am finally getting time to myself again.

K-pop unless you are also into it - you will never measure up to BTS otherwise and it will drive you insane

Anonymous wrote:Anything that requires 3+ hours to do, they do it at least once a week and it takes priority over all else. Golf, marathons, gaming, college sports viewing… doesn’t matter what it is, if they refuse to attend another event because ‘the game is on, I’m almost at the next level, I always golf at 6, ….’ I’m out.

Translation: Anyone who won't drop everything they're doing for my honey-do list.