You just accept that parts of life are chaotic and your drop things that are optional. It looks different for all families. For us, DH and I stagger wfh so one of us is able to be there and get the kids out the door, and start dinner in the evening. On the rare days that we both need to be in the office, one of us picks up take out on the way home.

We also are realistic about needing to miss work for occasional kid stuff either pre planned like random days off school, or emergency like sick days and we divvy them up equally. We are both gracious and respof each other and if one says "i just cant take off today" the other jumps in to make it happen.

We do have more extracurriculars than i expected, and we carpool when possible.

We have cleaners come weekly. Whomever is working from home runs laundry and does light clean up during the day.

There are times we feel like its impossible but most of the time its just normal life.

Tbh I have no idea how it is possible unless at least one parent has a flexible job with generous leave. Or both parents have a moderately flexible job with moderate leave so that duties can be split 50/50.

DH and I are lucky to both have unlimited PTO and work from home jobs for great employers. At this phase in life this has more value to us than maximizing g our earning potential. We have two kids and say all the time thank god for our work situations at this life phase because I don’t know how it could all get done otherwise. We also have a twice monthly cleaning service and lawn care service so we don’t worry about those tasks.

Since your dh’s job is not flexible I think in order to do it, you have to prioritize finding a job that flexible otherwise life will be miserable or very expensive to outsource everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two working parents with no remote options and three kids, two of whom have special needs which greatly increases the amount of appointments. No family help and only paid help was an every other housecleaner which we didn’t have until all kids were school aged.

You do it by being organized. You plan ahead. You schedule appointments well in advance and as many as possible on the same day. You guard your leave time from work so you can get the necessities done. You make simple meals from the menu you preplanned. And you get things ready for the week on Sunday - packing lunches, laying out clothes for the week, etc.

Aftercare helps with some things, like homework. And they fed my kids so no one came home starving and cranky.

And you make sure no one in the family has ADHD, especially you.

Haha, yes. This is why I went part time. Also, I wanted to see my kids for more than 2 waking hours and for more than the 30 waking minutes it wasn’t “get them fed, ready, and out the door or to bed.” Sure, as a result we don’t own a house in NW, but we are all happier I think. I think everyone should rail against this system… especially the men who are expected to earn a ton of money and as a result spend precious little time with their family.

Lots of people have aupairs for the hard split shift of am school drop off and after school activity driving.
We manage because we stagger and Dh works from home and is done at 4. I make dinner from 5:30-6 and we eat 6ish. But i also have a 5 min commute. Some of it is being senior enough that noone cares when i show up and when i work. Some days we have activities and dh drives. We also have grandparents do one evening activity driving. If we didnt, then no activity.

Anonymous wrote:Two working parents with no remote options and three kids, two of whom have special needs which greatly increases the amount of appointments. No family help and only paid help was an every other housecleaner which we didn’t have until all kids were school aged.

You do it by being organized. You plan ahead. You schedule appointments well in advance and as many as possible on the same day. You guard your leave time from work so you can get the necessities done. You make simple meals from the menu you preplanned. And you get things ready for the week on Sunday - packing lunches, laying out clothes for the week, etc.

Aftercare helps with some things, like homework. And they fed my kids so no one came home starving and cranky.

And you make sure no one in the family has ADHD, especially you.

Anonymous wrote:But it is incredibly expensive to have full time help in DC. Doesn’t that eat up a huge part of your salary?

Yes. You are basically working to pay several other people to do all the things you have been doing with and for your family. So you better really love your new job or really need your career or you will be miserable.

I never went back to work after figuring out one kid had special needs. I do everything but with kids in school there is time for me in there. Spouse is low-energy with a big job. Even if I worked I don't think my spouse has the personality to come home and pitch in. Think about that piece of it.

I also don't know how two-career families do it. I do want to get to the end of my to-do list. It's our life and I don't want to half-a$$ it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these very thoughtful responses! I feel like I learned so much.
Also more people had nannies with older kids than I realized so maybe that is just an expense we need to budget for. My fear is with my likely low salary (from limited experience and no real career trajectory) may make paying for a nanny moot. We will have to crunch some numbers if/when I get an offer I guess.

How are you affording a nanny and a house in the DMV on one Foreign Service Officer salary?

FSOs can sponsor their nannies they had in developing countries so the nannies get paid a much lower rate than normal U.S. nannies but they have free housing and food and the salary is still good enough for them to send money back home. It is comparable to an au pair situation except it's a full-time employee, can work overtime for overtime pay, no cultural/education component, and there is the continuity of keeping the same nanny the kids already know from their overseas post.

Yes, they can. They also have to pay her the minimum wage and benefits and pay for her health insurance. The minimum wage in MD is 16 dollars per hour.

That is cheaper than a teenage babysitter rate.

Teenage babysitters don't get room and board.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these very thoughtful responses! I feel like I learned so much.
Also more people had nannies with older kids than I realized so maybe that is just an expense we need to budget for. My fear is with my likely low salary (from limited experience and no real career trajectory) may make paying for a nanny moot. We will have to crunch some numbers if/when I get an offer I guess.

How are you affording a nanny and a house in the DMV on one Foreign Service Officer salary?

FSOs can sponsor their nannies they had in developing countries so the nannies get paid a much lower rate than normal U.S. nannies but they have free housing and food and the salary is still good enough for them to send money back home. It is comparable to an au pair situation except it's a full-time employee, can work overtime for overtime pay, no cultural/education component, and there is the continuity of keeping the same nanny the kids already know from their overseas post.

Yes, they can. They also have to pay her the minimum wage and benefits and pay for her health insurance. The minimum wage in MD is 16 dollars per hour.

That is cheaper than a teenage babysitter rate.

<whispers: I think that’s the point.> immigrant labor is en vogue for a reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these very thoughtful responses! I feel like I learned so much.
Also more people had nannies with older kids than I realized so maybe that is just an expense we need to budget for. My fear is with my likely low salary (from limited experience and no real career trajectory) may make paying for a nanny moot. We will have to crunch some numbers if/when I get an offer I guess.

How are you affording a nanny and a house in the DMV on one Foreign Service Officer salary?

FSOs can sponsor their nannies they had in developing countries so the nannies get paid a much lower rate than normal U.S. nannies but they have free housing and food and the salary is still good enough for them to send money back home. It is comparable to an au pair situation except it's a full-time employee, can work overtime for overtime pay, no cultural/education component, and there is the continuity of keeping the same nanny the kids already know from their overseas post.

Yes, they can. They also have to pay her the minimum wage and benefits and pay for her health insurance. The minimum wage in MD is 16 dollars per hour.

That is cheaper than a teenage babysitter rate.

Sure, isn't it taxed too? Plus, 40x15=2400 per month. I doubt that right now, without her working, they can afford that, plus a pricey mortgage in the DMV. Until OP gets a job that is all coming out of single-fed salary. I doubt her DH earns more than 150K per year, but it could be less or more, depending on his years with the DOS. She gets a job for 90K, which is around 4500 per month. Will she get a job like that with no recent work experience? Is it worth it if she does get to pay much of it to the nanny, who likely can't drive?

Will this nanny be able to handle the issues kids will have here in public schools? I would not work for a year if I was OP. You don't earn much money, you spend it all on a care provider, of any kind, and you are not there to help your kids with a huge transition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these very thoughtful responses! I feel like I learned so much.
Also more people had nannies with older kids than I realized so maybe that is just an expense we need to budget for. My fear is with my likely low salary (from limited experience and no real career trajectory) may make paying for a nanny moot. We will have to crunch some numbers if/when I get an offer I guess.

How are you affording a nanny and a house in the DMV on one Foreign Service Officer salary?

FSOs can sponsor their nannies they had in developing countries so the nannies get paid a much lower rate than normal U.S. nannies but they have free housing and food and the salary is still good enough for them to send money back home. It is comparable to an au pair situation except it's a full-time employee, can work overtime for overtime pay, no cultural/education component, and there is the continuity of keeping the same nanny the kids already know from their overseas post.

Yes, they can. They also have to pay her the minimum wage and benefits and pay for her health insurance. The minimum wage in MD is 16 dollars per hour.

That is cheaper than a teenage babysitter rate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these very thoughtful responses! I feel like I learned so much.
Also more people had nannies with older kids than I realized so maybe that is just an expense we need to budget for. My fear is with my likely low salary (from limited experience and no real career trajectory) may make paying for a nanny moot. We will have to crunch some numbers if/when I get an offer I guess.

How are you affording a nanny and a house in the DMV on one Foreign Service Officer salary?

FSOs can sponsor their nannies they had in developing countries so the nannies get paid a much lower rate than normal U.S. nannies but they have free housing and food and the salary is still good enough for them to send money back home. It is comparable to an au pair situation except it's a full-time employee, can work overtime for overtime pay, no cultural/education component, and there is the continuity of keeping the same nanny the kids already know from their overseas post.

Where did you come up with that free housing and food and a much lower rate than normal? Please show me the law for that. I am unaware that any consulate will approve a visa for a nanny that will not pay the minimum wage required by the state.

In VA, the minimum wage is $12/hr, so that's cheaper than U.S. nannies who want at least $20-25/hr. Plus free room and board in your house, it's not a bad deal for a nanny coming from like Bangladesh or wherever. They have very little expenses and can save and send that money home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But it is incredibly expensive to have full time help in DC. Doesn’t that eat up a huge part of your salary?

Some people's salaries are higher than other people's salaries.

You are brilliant!

80% of my take-home pay goes to daycare for our two kids. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it, but I need the mental stimulation of work. Husband and I have both stayed in the same jobs for years and we are no longer star performers. We have passed up promotions and salary increases that would mean more stress and more hours, instead choosing flexibility, which has been really important for our child with special needs. Having one set of grandparents nearby has helped. Our house is not as clean as I would like and our yard needs some attention. We eat more convenience meals and takeout than I care to admit. My kids watch a little too much tv when we need to get stuff done. It’s definitely less than perfect around here.

Two working parents with no remote options and three kids, two of whom have special needs which greatly increases the amount of appointments. No family help and only paid help was an every other housecleaner which we didn’t have until all kids were school aged.

You do it by being organized. You plan ahead. You schedule appointments well in advance and as many as possible on the same day. You guard your leave time from work so you can get the necessities done. You make simple meals from the menu you preplanned. And you get things ready for the week on Sunday - packing lunches, laying out clothes for the week, etc.

Aftercare helps with some things, like homework. And they fed my kids so no one came home starving and cranky.