Anonymous wrote:Emotionally unavailable. I saw it as strong and stoic, but it’s been really hard. Still worth it though (because he is really strong and stoic, and I’d trust him with my life).

+1. I thought it was a British thing he and his whole family had. Silence. No emotions. No opinions. Rude zingers out of the blue. Terrible jokes to cover up rude comments once asked about them.

Now I know it’s social disorders and total confusion or belligerence about m anything they haven’t formally studied or read about.

Bad at communication and a lot of mental health stuff going on with him. We are no longer married.

Emotionally unavailable. I saw it as strong and stoic, but it’s been really hard. Still worth it though (because he is really strong and stoic, and I’d trust him with my life).

Heavy drinking/likely alcoholism. It'll be under control for a while then flare up, then back under control. Feeling I'm just waiting for the full on spiral to happen at some point

I wouldn't say I overlooked it, I watched it carefully until it was taken care of. He had $25k in credit card debt at one point. He paid it off himself, before we got married. It was a sign that his family was not financially literate, which I learned more about the longer I was around. But after that blip in his early 20s, we've been on the same page.

He cheated in his first wife. I knew about it but he framed it in terms of her serious untreated mental illness. He said he'd stayed with her because she basically couldn't work at the time, but they'd been living their own lives for a number of years. He slept in the living room and she slept in her bedroom, etc.

For me, young and stupid and in love, I felt sympathetic to him having stayed with her. Of course he had other relationships while he was taking care of her -- totally understandable (I thought).

But guess what?

You guessed it!

He didn't think inappropriate relationships outside of marriage were actually a big deal. He hadn't been sticking it out to take care of his first wife in her time of need. Instead, he has an innate sense of inertia and blames his own actions and inaction on other people.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. half of people are responding incorrectly to my question. I’m trying to understand red flags you overlooked, but still manage to be happily married. Everyone has something wrong with them, no one is perfect.

deliberately obfuscating about the past relationships - (i) especially why the first marriage ended and (ii) giving the impression that they had led a straight-laced boring life while the exact opposite was the real truth. the full truth has come out in the form a trickle here and there over time and still the picture is not really complete.

Sexual incompatability

Shopaholic

Controlling

Anonymous wrote:He hid the red flags very well until after the wedding. However, after engagement I discovered hx of sexual abuse and bipolar disorder in the extended family, and should have run.

SAME! His family secrets and moms serious bipolar disorder were all hidden. She's in and out of mental institutions and making scenes were ever she goes, when she's manic she texts 15 pages about 9 times a day. If I knew I'd never have married him.