Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

Anonymous wrote:It would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds like a player, honestly, but at least he is a honest one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

True words! None of those poly open people are smitten in love. It's all casual sex. They can even "cheat' on each other.

If I wanted casual sex, I'd be having casual sex. It's not exactly difficult to find and it's less stigmatized than being ENM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

True words! None of those poly open people are smitten in love. It's all casual sex. They can even "cheat' on each other.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's understandable that he wants to expand his sexual experiences if he has had 1 partner for majority of his life. Why don't you go with the status quo for now. Maybe he'll be ready for monogamy once he's had some time. Also, if someone is smitten in love, they naturally would not pursue others.

Good sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life. I didn't realize this until I had lovers who valued sex and the experiential aspects of it. I learned things about myself that I never would have if I didn't explore. I think it's good and healthy to explore. Just practice safe sex.

Anonymous wrote:Keep going with this, it’s either going to work or it’s going to blow up. But, come on now, you’re out of s second marriage, you’re 50 in a long-distance relationship, did you really think this was going to last for the rest of your life?

Anonymous wrote:I'm female, 50, divorced and recently started dating again. I'm successful, attractive and very young looking for my age, and haven't had trouble meeting interested men. I've been dating a man I met through work who in many ways is wonderful for me: also recently divorced, a few years older, lots of common interests. The sex is great, we have great conversations, and we text on and off all day, every day. We are semi-long distance, so we see each other mostly on weekends, but when we are together it's terrific. Lots of "I love yous" exchanged.

The problem– which maybe isn't a problem? – is that while I have always assumed monogamy is an essential part of an serious relationship, he feels like he is not sure he wants to be in a committedly non-monogamous long term relationship. Some of this is our very different pasts: I have had several serious relationships in my life, including two marriages and two other live-in relationships that lasted a few years, as well as plenty of other less serious relationships before my marriage and between marriages. I don't really know if I ever want to live full-time with a man again, let alone ever marry again, and I take it for granted that even relationships that begin with love and commitment can fail (don't I know it). However, in an ideal world, I would really like to be in a committed, monogamous, LTR.

He, on the other hand, married a woman he had know since middle school and had dated since high school, and divorced after a 35 year marriage; he feels like he missed out on getting to explore sexually and emotionally when he was young. His marriage was a good partnership but never really involved a lot of passion or sex, and he is frightened of jumping into another LTR right out of his marriage. He also has close friends who are in open relationships or "poly" relationships, and he finds that model very appealing; he likes the idea that one could be in committed, loving relationships with several people at once, even if one of those people is your "primary" person. He says he loves me very much, wants to continue to deepen our relationship and can imagine being life partners, but he is not sure he could commit to monogamy.

Intellectually, I get this. Different people are different, love is not a finite resource, and on some level I feel like, okay, I can imagine two people in a committed but non-monogamous long term relationship, and it's not like I want to jump into another marriage, or that I'm even entirely sure I would *want* a long-term relationship with him: it's still pretty early (about six months), so why not stay open-minded, and in fact I could date other men too?

On another level, this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Curious to know what others out there think. Should I try to be more open-minded, and at least be willing to explore how things might go if we tried to proceed on a non-monogamous basis? Or run for the hills?

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Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.

Where did OP get the idea that saying no to this would be "closed-minded then?

Literally anywhere else? Maybe she googled polyamory and read something about it. Maybe a friend said it. Maybe it's just her own inner voice judging her.

Perhaps but it sounds from her description like the pressure to do this is all coming from him. If being non-monogamous was important to him why did he get into a relationship with someone before discussing it?

It really looks like he either slow played it in the hopes that once she was attached she'd agree to it OR that he maybe isn't committed to non-monogamy but views it as a way to hold onto a woman he likes while he also explores dating other women. Not really poly but just someone with fomo who is afraid of what he'll miss out on if he commits to one person. Like maybe for another woman he'd be fine giving up other women but for OP he's like "I really like you but want to see what else is out there."

The fact that this didn't start as an explicitly non-monogamous relationship and now he's springing it on her doens't sit well with me. Usually people who are committed to enm are very straight forward about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is never close-minded to decide that some sexual preference or arrangement is not for you. Like if I am heterosexual and a woman expresses an interest in me and I say "no I'm sorry but I'm only interested in men" that is not closed-minded. It's just that our sexual preferences do not line up so we can't be together. The end.

Close-minded would be telling this guy that you think his interest in ethical non-monogamy is gross or wrong. You don't feel that way. It's just not for you. And I don't see why your very well-thought out reasons for deciding it's not for you based on your own sexual history are somehow less valid than his. It's fine he doens't want a monogamous relationship. But you do. So it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible and while that may be a bummer it's not the end of the world. You don't even live in the same city! Just move on and you will find someone whose relationship preferences match yours or you will be happy alone but at least you will have made the decision for yourself.

To me this is just the 2024 version of a man pressuring a woman to be open to sex she doesn't want to have or to be a sahm when she wants to work or to have kids when she doesn't want them. The argument that you are being "closed minded" if you won't essentially adopt his sexual preferences is exactly the kind of coercive argument men have always used to try and get women to go along to get along. You don't have to. Do what YOU want and don't feel compelled to change your preferences to accommodate this man.

There's no indication he called her close-minded or is trying to coerce her into anything. He's being honest about a set of preferences that some women would be into. If she not, that's fine.

Where did OP get the idea that saying no to this would be "closed-minded then?

Literally anywhere else? Maybe she googled polyamory and read something about it. Maybe a friend said it. Maybe it's just her own inner voice judging her.

Perhaps but it sounds from her description like the pressure to do this is all coming from him. If being non-monogamous was important to him why did he get into a relationship with someone before discussing it?

It really looks like he either slow played it in the hopes that once she was attached she'd agree to it OR that he maybe isn't committed to non-monogamy but views it as a way to hold onto a woman he likes while he also explores dating other women. Not really poly but just someone with fomo who is afraid of what he'll miss out on if he commits to one person. Like maybe for another woman he'd be fine giving up other women but for OP he's like "I really like you but want to see what else is out there."

The fact that this didn't start as an explicitly non-monogamous relationship and now he's springing it on her doens't sit well with me. Usually people who are committed to enm are very straight forward about it.