Anonymous wrote:I was born in the early 1980s and most of my female college friends vastly outearn their husbands.

Well because corporate doors opened to gain further market share.

Same ‘window’ opening for male Hispanics. This is more about opportunity than talent.

Anonymous wrote:I’m reminded of when we lived in Scarsdale, where dual high-income families were commonplace. I was eavesdropping on some high school boys having lunch in a local deli. They were talking about another boy, and how his mom is a doctor who works overnights at a hospital so he never sees her. And they all had such genuine sadness for him over that fact. I just have to wonder what’s the point of having such a big job that you don’t ever see your kids.

High school kids are all drama queens. I bet his mom doesn’t work every night, maybe something like 4/3 or even 3/4. And she probably chose this schedule because she can spend more time with her kids on her days off and in the afternoons before she goes to work.

Op here. I wanted to clarify some things. At my ivy, I was part of a religious group and many, many of the women assumed they would stay home so I've been surprised by how many have continued to work while having several kids. There are two waves of child-bearing- the more religious are ahead of the curve and are on baby 3 or even 4.

My more nonreligious friends are just starting but I anticipate will likely end up with more in the next few years (in talking with them they want big families). Even the nonreligious people I was friends with had kind assumed it would be very hard to balance a career with their future husband's high profile job and the common understanding was that they may need to take some time off when their kids were young. Now the people making those comments have like 1-3 kids and work full time (one is a CEO!). I think the flexible work arrangement is a big part of this.

I do think that if you are SAHM w/ a rich husband (prior goal/ status), you are at a disadvantage. I'm estimating that most of my friends have dual incomes exceeding 250 but I assume most are making between 300-500k + combined.

Anonymous wrote:If they are wasting all their time on work rather than raising their children then they aren’t high achieving.

This

If they are wasting all their time on work rather than raising their children then they aren’t high achieving.

Did they not teach English and grammar at your school?

Just chiming in to add my perspective. I'm 40 but most of my social circle is a few years older, because I had a baby relatively young - 30 - for someone living in the city and working full-time. So I ended up socializing with moms a few years older than me. I live in the city and I think that is a slightly different crowd than the OP sees.

Third babies are starting to crop up a lot among women I know 40-43 or so. In most cases it's a "why not" baby that comes ~5 years after the first two. It totally feels like a flex, even if they don't mean it that way. Their financial, professional, and personal lives are together enough that they can add a 3rd.

In my circles everyone is a dual earner household and the men are equal if not more active parents. In fact, of my four closest friends, three are the breadwinners. One acquaintance tried going down to part-time and she said she was alone with the nannies at the playground all day, so she went back to work. I think I might live in a bubble though, judging by what I read on DCUM.

I'd say that professionally and financially, my friends are killing it. And they are all great parents with great kids. Also, people travel a lot and go out often - weekly babysitters for big fun nights out are typical. What I don't see is the fitness flex. I mean, people work out but it's more like a few peloton classes a week so you don't die young. Nobody is really flexing their fitness. I guess something has to give.

What’s your definition of “high achieving”?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the 3+ kid families more religious (or at least nominally religious)?

Not at all driven by religion in high achieving women.

It’s driven by being able to ‘have it all’: 3 kids, fit body, Ivy education, high powered job, and exotic travel.

Fit body? lol more like no boobs or butt

Anonymous wrote:Their husbands all do CrossFit, usually the 5:00am or thereabouts class.

No those are usually redneck

I'm an elder millennial and of the high achieving moms I work with, we all have exactly 2 kids. I don't have enough data to draw conclusions about the larger population of millennials. I would say as an older millennial, I'm past needing to prove my self or my kids through achievements (to the marathon example, although I have run marathons, I don't talk about them or post pictures on social media). I am still working full time but in a flexible schedule. I seriously envy women who are secure enough in their marriages and finances to be SAHM. I never have enough time and I feel like I'm failing at work or with my kids most of the time.

There are different kinds of 3 or more kids people who fall into this high achieving category

There are the "early and often" people who start in their 20s and knock them out early because why were fortunate to find someone to marry fairly early in life and figure why not get the hard early years out of the way when they are young and energetic (and often their parents are young and energetic and can help). Also helps if one fof them is already making enough money so that doing this in your 20s and early 30s doesn't mean sacrificing on travel or having all the nice baby stuff.

There are the careerists who wait until mid--30s to start and then have 3 quick before they turn 42 or so. These people wanted to be established in their careers before they had kids at all. They definitely have the money for all the help (probably less parental help usually but sometimes you've got some energizer bunny grandma running around). A lot of physicians take this route because they don't want to have babies during med school or residency or fellowships (whereas lawyers actually can have kids during law school or early in their career and with the right help it can work).

Then you have the "oops baby" people and the "maybe just one more" people -- these are folks who don't mean to have more than two but decide things are going great and they can handle another (either before getting pregnant or after). Anecdotally this sometimes works great and sometimes is people pressing their luck and things spiral downhill fast (turns out one kid has an SN or that third pregnancy is horrible in ways the first two were not or suddenly everyone's parents have health issues right after the third is born). And the press your luck folks get very humble very fast usually

- Late 40s high achiever mom with one kid born in my late 30s (and happy about it) but lots of friends with 3 or more kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1990 here, also Ivy grad. I've observed One And Done -OR- no kids actually. I had a kid at 30 and was the earliest one in my friend group.

Same for me, also 1990 but went to a state school. Most of the people I know who started having kids earlier and have 3+ are SAHMs. The dual lawyer/doctor/finance/engineer couples tend to have one or none.

So far…you do realize they may not be done having kids

Yes but this is OP’s age and it seems she already knows women her age with 3 kids. So there’s a range. Some of us are just saying that our experience of our cohort is a bit different than OP’s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1990 here, also Ivy grad. I've observed One And Done -OR- no kids actually. I had a kid at 30 and was the earliest one in my friend group.

Same for me, also 1990 but went to a state school. Most of the people I know who started having kids earlier and have 3+ are SAHMs. The dual lawyer/doctor/finance/engineer couples tend to have one or none.

So far…you do realize they may not be done having kids

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1990 here, also Ivy grad. I've observed One And Done -OR- no kids actually. I had a kid at 30 and was the earliest one in my friend group.

I don't think of one and done or no kids as a flex. Three kids is very common in my area (Greenwich). That's the flex. Everything on the initial list is accurate. The running marathons is not something that I see (and I'm a former college runner so these are my people) but being very fit is definitely a flex.

PP here. I wasn't trying to say it's a flex. Just that it's the trend I see in my cohort. I'm 34 and I don't know anyone with 3 kids, a few with two kids, and quite a lot with one kid or no kids.

That’s because you’re 34. Give it a few more years for more kids.