Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

NP. When you are young, you only know what you know. So if you live with broken people, that’s your normal. It takes many years and a lot of experience to establish new normals. By then, you’re not living with those broken people anymore, and you haven’t for a long time. Your life is yours now. Maybe you try not to look back too much. You don’t want to dwell. So you never really look too deep, and you believe that you’ve moved on.

And then your parents get old. And suddenly you can’t avoid it anymore, you can’t avoid them anymore, there’s so little time and also now your own kids are grown and aren’t the buffer that they were. And those old patterns from your childhood are still there, all those familiar interactions are still there, but YOU are different, and suddenly it’s like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and it’s like, “Ohhhhh. I really didn’t get what I needed.” And that’s when it all comes bubbling up.

Or I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

Are you better, though? You are different, sure.

Our kids will all have stuff to say about us and our less than perfect parenting too.

My parents are far from ideal — they are divorced so not really one entity — but I’m not perfect either.

My best friend’s mom is schizophrenic and is currently living under an overpass or something. My friend has good reason to hate her. Being boring, on the other hand, is just what old people are.

What a charmed like you lead if you believe people hate their parents because they are boring.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone worry that this will happen to them when they are old? I try so hard to be a good parent and love my children so much. But what if one day, when they are grown up, they start to feel like I made mistakes, they are annoyed by me, my stories are boring etc etc etc

I fully understand and support cutting toxic people out and establishing boundaries but I, nonetheless, worry sometimes that, despite my best efforts, I’ll be the old person everyone is sick and tired of

Our neighbor's only child stopped talking to her after she got cancer. It has been 4 years and the neighbors are helping her instead. Not sure what is going on there. They used to have a good relationship, traveling together to Africa, etc... and she did not spare a penny on the child, paid for private school K-12, private college, master degree...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone worry that this will happen to them when they are old? I try so hard to be a good parent and love my children so much. But what if one day, when they are grown up, they start to feel like I made mistakes, they are annoyed by me, my stories are boring etc etc etc

I fully understand and support cutting toxic people out and establishing boundaries but I, nonetheless, worry sometimes that, despite my best efforts, I’ll be the old person everyone is sick and tired of

Hear you!

Putting aside truly abusive parents (who of course are owed nothing but retribution), I am often taken aback by the lack of compassion many posters have for their parents.

I wonder if they will feel differently when they get old. It is a scary, challenging phase of life. All about loss.

I was raised to believe that families help each other and that love comes with responsibility to have the other’s back. It is startling that so many adult children just resent their parents for getting old and frail before they leave this earth.

It’s tough because parenting norms change dramatically over time, something we are doing now could be condemned when we are old or we could be emotionally available in the ways we think we should be but find later that it simply wasn’t enough or “done right”. And people can have really annoying personality traits that old age exacerbates with cognitive decline.

This isn’t an argument for not being frustrated with parents that didn’t measure up, I completely understand OPs frustration, but I also get the guilt of feeling that way. It’s a complicated situation and hard for everyone involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

NP. When you are young, you only know what you know. So if you live with broken people, that’s your normal. It takes many years and a lot of experience to establish new normals. By then, you’re not living with those broken people anymore, and you haven’t for a long time. Your life is yours now. Maybe you try not to look back too much. You don’t want to dwell. So you never really look too deep, and you believe that you’ve moved on.

And then your parents get old. And suddenly you can’t avoid it anymore, you can’t avoid them anymore, there’s so little time and also now your own kids are grown and aren’t the buffer that they were. And those old patterns from your childhood are still there, all those familiar interactions are still there, but YOU are different, and suddenly it’s like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and it’s like, “Ohhhhh. I really didn’t get what I needed.” And that’s when it all comes bubbling up.

Or I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

Are you better, though? You are different, sure.

Our kids will all have stuff to say about us and our less than perfect parenting too.

My parents are far from ideal — they are divorced so not really one entity — but I’m not perfect either.

My best friend’s mom is schizophrenic and is currently living under an overpass or something. My friend has good reason to hate her. Being boring, on the other hand, is just what old people are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

NP. When you are young, you only know what you know. So if you live with broken people, that’s your normal. It takes many years and a lot of experience to establish new normals. By then, you’re not living with those broken people anymore, and you haven’t for a long time. Your life is yours now. Maybe you try not to look back too much. You don’t want to dwell. So you never really look too deep, and you believe that you’ve moved on.

And then your parents get old. And suddenly you can’t avoid it anymore, you can’t avoid them anymore, there’s so little time and also now your own kids are grown and aren’t the buffer that they were. And those old patterns from your childhood are still there, all those familiar interactions are still there, but YOU are different, and suddenly it’s like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and it’s like, “Ohhhhh. I really didn’t get what I needed.” And that’s when it all comes bubbling up.

Or I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

This is exactly it. Kids grew up and as you say, stopped being a buffer, and I've entered menopause and have no f* to give. So it kind of depends what age your parents are at this point in your life. Of course you knew all your life, you just couldn't muster the courage to face it before.

Anonymous wrote:

Hear you!

Putting aside truly abusive parents (who of course are owed nothing but retribution), I am often taken aback by the lack of compassion many posters have for their parents.

I wonder if they will feel differently when they get old. It is a scary, challenging phase of life. All about loss.

I was raised to believe that families help each other and that love comes with responsibility to have the other’s back. It is startling that so many adult children just resent their parents for getting old and frail before they leave this earth.

You need to realize that families like OPs and many others are not such where there is mutual help or love. People had kids because that's what was done, not out of love. Sometimes to get out of their own childhood homes, often by "accident" or for selfish reasons, to catch a man (yes, it was done). Kids were tolerated as something that was in the way of doing their own thing, there was not necessarily abuse in a criminal sense, but judgement, constant critique, put-downs, no support or help, strange envy when the kids turned into teens. As a result such kids often grew up with very low self-esteem, broken, feeling unwanted. I think it's positive that in modern age and with anonymity such issues can be talked about. Believe me, except for my own brother, I don't talk about this with anyone else in real life (not friends, not DH). If I'd tell you some things my mother spew at me as a teen, you probably wouldn't believe me, you certainly wouldn't believe me if you actually knew me. There is a lot of stigma, particularly perpetrated by such elders themselves, who of course would gladly want to forget about everything they've done and said. But my brother is my witness as am I for him, or we'd certainly be gaslighted. So please stop with this "respect your elders" and "lack of compassion", we don't resent parents for getting old and frail, we resent them for who they've been all their lives.

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

NP. When you are young, you only know what you know. So if you live with broken people, that’s your normal. It takes many years and a lot of experience to establish new normals. By then, you’re not living with those broken people anymore, and you haven’t for a long time. Your life is yours now. Maybe you try not to look back too much. You don’t want to dwell. So you never really look too deep, and you believe that you’ve moved on.

And then your parents get old. And suddenly you can’t avoid it anymore, you can’t avoid them anymore, there’s so little time and also now your own kids are grown and aren’t the buffer that they were. And those old patterns from your childhood are still there, all those familiar interactions are still there, but YOU are different, and suddenly it’s like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and it’s like, “Ohhhhh. I really didn’t get what I needed.” And that’s when it all comes bubbling up.

Or I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone worry that this will happen to them when they are old? I try so hard to be a good parent and love my children so much. But what if one day, when they are grown up, they start to feel like I made mistakes, they are annoyed by me, my stories are boring etc etc etc

I fully understand and support cutting toxic people out and establishing boundaries but I, nonetheless, worry sometimes that, despite my best efforts, I’ll be the old person everyone is sick and tired of

Hear you!

Putting aside truly abusive parents (who of course are owed nothing but retribution), I am often taken aback by the lack of compassion many posters have for their parents.

I wonder if they will feel differently when they get old. It is a scary, challenging phase of life. All about loss.

I was raised to believe that families help each other and that love comes with responsibility to have the other’s back. It is startling that so many adult children just resent their parents for getting old and frail before they leave this earth.

My parents are very similar. When they're here, I have to wait on them and my young children and work. Like, why am I making a meal for 6 at the end of my work day when everyone else has been recreating and relaxing all day? And then there are all the verbal stabs - I don't know if they are intentional or if there's just a total lack of awareness and empathy. When my parents are with me, I pinch myself as a reminder to be excellent. They are old. They aren't going to change. They don't need me to cause them suffering. I remind myself that I will be sad when they're no longer here, despite it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just imagine what your kids will say about you.

I'm not the OP, but can guarantee you her kids will not say what she has said. People who grow to see their abusive parents for what they are, are doing everything they can to raise their own kids differently. In fact oftentimes having your own kids and looking at these helpless creatures brings all the hurt feelings you felt as a child, but had long forgotten, to the foreground.

I wish I could say you’re right, but in my case I find myself doing some of the things I hated my parents for. Like putting my needs above my kids sometimes (ok more than sometimes). I wish I could be better, I need to be better. My son responds to my criticisms/ suggestions/ boundaries the same way i responded and still respond to my mom’s and I’m trying so hard to break that cycle, to speak to him always with kindness. This thread is a good reminder, but I digress. To commiserate with OP, yes I once actually hoped that my mom had gotten into a car crash and died on the way to visit us — that was how much I didn’t want her staying with us at the time. I’ve moved past that, but I was in my mid 30s when I had that thought…

Anonymous wrote:So sick of reading crap like this by people who are suddenly finding out their parents are flawed people (just like they are).

Spare us the psychologizing.

are you okay?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sick of reading crap like this by people who are suddenly finding out their parents are flawed people (just like they are).

Spare us the psychologizing.

Then don't read, go somewhere else. For some of us it's important to feel validated. Enough of this shaming and forcing women to hide their negative feelings. It's healthy. We feel anger, rage and disgust when we're wronged. Enough of sweeping stuff under the carpet.

+1,000,000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sick of reading crap like this by people who are suddenly finding out their parents are flawed people (just like they are).

Spare us the psychologizing.

Then don't read, go somewhere else. For some of us it's important to feel validated. Enough of this shaming and forcing women to hide their negative feelings. It's healthy. We feel anger, rage and disgust when we're wronged. Enough of sweeping stuff under the carpet.

+1,000,000

-1,000,000

There is someone here who would benefit from therapy. There seems to be a very strong negative reaction to women who are moving through grief and expressing emotional vulnerability. Whoever would respond with -1,000,000 is projecting their own shame.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sick of reading crap like this by people who are suddenly finding out their parents are flawed people (just like they are).

Spare us the psychologizing.

Then don't read, go somewhere else. For some of us it's important to feel validated. Enough of this shaming and forcing women to hide their negative feelings. It's healthy. We feel anger, rage and disgust when we're wronged. Enough of sweeping stuff under the carpet.

+1,000,000

-1,000,000

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone worry that this will happen to them when they are old? I try so hard to be a good parent and love my children so much. But what if one day, when they are grown up, they start to feel like I made mistakes, they are annoyed by me, my stories are boring etc etc etc

I fully understand and support cutting toxic people out and establishing boundaries but I, nonetheless, worry sometimes that, despite my best efforts, I’ll be the old person everyone is sick and tired of

I’m already there with on of my kids — a teen, so maybe there is hope yet but I am beginning to wonder.