Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your family thinks this woman is the best you're likely to get, and wants you to propose before she realizes how avoidant and clueless you are, and dumps you.

OP here. No. They hated my ex and told me several times. They also gushed over a woman I dated in my 20’s. My family and friends love her. She gets along with them so well and just fits. They also see that I’m the happiest I’ve been in years with her.

Have you asked all these family and friends the same question you asked her?

Do women expect a ring at 1 year?

How many women are you considering marrying?

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your family thinks this woman is the best you're likely to get, and wants you to propose before she realizes how avoidant and clueless you are, and dumps you.

OP here. No. They hated my ex and told me several times. They also gushed over a woman I dated in my 20’s. My family and friends love her. She gets along with them so well and just fits. They also see that I’m the happiest I’ve been in years with her.

"I believe taking care of your family is a man’s job."

Your 28 year old girlfriend who is still intent on building her career, does she know this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

It’s not a rush, but it’s common sense that you can make this decision in a reasonable amount of time. You’re thirty five for pete’s sake!

If you’ve never thought about marrying a woman before at your big age, what were you doing with women up until then? What kind of metric of assurance do you expect to meet before you are ready?

I would agree that you’re not ready for marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “rush” to get engaged at one year. It means you are fairly immature and have not yet seriously evaluated what you want out of life. It’s not fair to do this kind of soul searching on another person’s time.

OP here. Again, I don’t believe in divorce and want to get it right. Between 32 and 35, I was working on solidifying my financial future.

I also took a break for a bit because my serious relationship before my current ended terribly when I found out she was cheating on me with multiple men.

I’ve worked hard to obtain several degrees and work my way up in my career. I’ve spent the last several years making sure I have a good financial backing for when I have a family. Being an active parent is extremely important to me, and I’ve set myself up where I can take off time or work less hours a week, and still provide for my family. I earn enough and have enough in savings and investments to support my future wife if she chooses to stay home. These are the things that are really important to me before I have a family.

OP here. This is exactly what my dad did. I believe kids need both parents. My dad was able to be home by 4pm daily to care for us. He was at every sports activity, school event, celebration, etc. He was able to provide my mom with the luxury of taking years off work to raise us. They both retired early and live every comfortably after sending all 4 kids to college and buying multiple homes. This is the same life I want to offer my future family.

Oh, snd my ex cheated on me because I didn’t give her enough of my time, even though I was working hard to setup our future together.

So you get married at 36 and have kids at 38, 40, and 42. By the time your oldest is 5 and playing after-school sports, you're 43. By then, if you don't have your career together enough to be able to get home by 4 p.m. if that's what you want, then it's probably never going to happen. If you're like most men, you're probably not getting home at 4 during the difficult toddler years.

OP here. I’m doing very well now and I do have the financial freedom to do just this.

I believe taking care of your family is a man’s job. It’s important that I can provide for my family, even in a tragic event.

A former co-worker of mine husband passed away in a tragic accident and left her and her young kids without any financial backing. A co-worker of a buddy of mine passed away 3 years into marriage from a brain tumor. They had a young infant child. Thankfully his family is financially secure. One of my uncles also passed says young leaving my aunt to raise a family of 3 kids by herself. She had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet.

If these things ever happen, I would want my family to be financially taken care of.

Most of thr people I know are older parents. That doesn’t really bother me.

If you are 35, devout Catholic, unmarried, and don't feel any sense or need of progress toward marriage and kids, I don't think you being completely honest with yourself.

Anonymous wrote:My 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend is coming up shortly, and I’m being hounded by family and friends to propose to her. My parents have told me to not let her get away, as well as many of my closest friends. My girlfriend and I have had a great relationship but I’m just not ready. I love her but I feel 1 year is too short to make a lifelong commitment, and I don’t see the rush.

What do you need to know to make a decision? What are you doing to collect that information?
Same questions for your girlfriend.

Are you cohabitating?
If you break up, sooner or later, you'll be starting that 1+ year clock over again.


It's easy to dream of a future that you aren't working to achieve, right until it's too late.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

That's baloney. You shouldn't get married because you need to get away from your controlling family. Seek therapy because you are too enmeshed.

OP here. I’m a catholic. They are not controlling. Many people don’t take marriage seriously but I do. Too many people get married with the idea they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years. That’s not what I want for my life or my future kids. They deserve a two parent household with happy parents.

OP, I also don’t believe in divorce. DH and I took dating seriously. Go to therapy for yourself and/or couples counseling. The more therapy you do before you get engaged, the more it will pay off during your marriage. If therapy breaks you up, you are never meant to be together. It also signals to your girlfriend that you’re not stringing her along. You’re contemplating something serious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course not. If we are interested in marriage, we will broach the conversation. If she hasn’t or hasn’t advanced the conversation, how presumptuous are you to think she’s even interested in marriage, much less to you?

OP here. We have talked marriage and babies and she wants those things. She doesn’t want kids until at least 30 because of her career. She has said she is no rush. She also values marriage and takes it seriously.

Right. So you need to open your eyes to her timeline. If you propose today, then she's on track to have a kid in her early 30s. If you delay, that pushes it back. Did you ask her how old she's willing to be, as a parent? And how old she's willing to have YOU be?

It seems like you're an avoidant attachment type, and you're avoiding marriage, and you avoided your last relationship, and you're likely to continue to avoid marriage and then to avoid having kids, and then to avoid parenting them. And you're full of rationalizations and excuses about work and big decisions and your family's opinions (why that matters is a mystery to me), but the bottom line is that if you wanted to marry her, you'd be getting ready to propose. Not asking people on the internet to validate your reasons to delay.

Again, how old a dad do you want to be?

Anonymous wrote:The 1 year mark is a totally arbitrary way to decide when to make this type of commitment. It just matters that you are on the same page and it sounds like you are. Everyone else can cool it.

It's not arbitrary. It's a full lap around all the seasons of the year, so you see what life is like in that weather, holidays, and other rhythms of the year.

Anonymous wrote:Of course not. If we are interested in marriage, we will broach the conversation. If she hasn’t or hasn’t advanced the conversation, how presumptuous are you to think she’s even interested in marriage, much less to you?

OP here. We have talked marriage and babies and she wants those things. She doesn’t want kids until at least 30 because of her career. She has said she is no rush. She also values marriage and takes it seriously.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

It’s not a rush, but it’s common sense that you can make this decision in a reasonable amount of time. You’re thirty five for pete’s sake!

If you’ve never thought about marrying a woman before at your big age, what were you doing with women up until then? What kind of metric of assurance do you expect to meet before you are ready?

I would agree that you’re not ready for marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “rush” to get engaged at one year. It means you are fairly immature and have not yet seriously evaluated what you want out of life. It’s not fair to do this kind of soul searching on another person’s time.

OP here. Again, I don’t believe in divorce and want to get it right. Between 32 and 35, I was working on solidifying my financial future.

I also took a break for a bit because my serious relationship before my current ended terribly when I found out she was cheating on me with multiple men.

I’ve worked hard to obtain several degrees and work my way up in my career. I’ve spent the last several years making sure I have a good financial backing for when I have a family. Being an active parent is extremely important to me, and I’ve set myself up where I can take off time or work less hours a week, and still provide for my family. I earn enough and have enough in savings and investments to support my future wife if she chooses to stay home. These are the things that are really important to me before I have a family.

OP here. This is exactly what my dad did. I believe kids need both parents. My dad was able to be home by 4pm daily to care for us. He was at every sports activity, school event, celebration, etc. He was able to provide my mom with the luxury of taking years off work to raise us. They both retired early and live every comfortably after sending all 4 kids to college and buying multiple homes. This is the same life I want to offer my future family.

Oh, snd my ex cheated on me because I didn’t give her enough of my time, even though I was working hard to setup our future together.

You seem very, very avoidant. Spending time at work to make money ostensibly *for* her is not the same thing as spending time *with* her. Work can be a way of avoiding relationships. You need to open your eyes to that.

OP here. We did spend time together, just not enough, or every moment together. That’s not possible when you’re working 70 hour weeks.

Sounds like indeed you did not spend much time with her. And she didn't like that.

Look, you're not entitled to neglect your relationship for work and expect the woman to be fine with it. That's not a thing! Some people are fine with it and some are not. This one wasn't.

It sounds like your family thinks this woman is the best you're likely to get, and wants you to propose before she realizes how avoidant and clueless you are, and dumps you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

It’s not a rush, but it’s common sense that you can make this decision in a reasonable amount of time. You’re thirty five for pete’s sake!

If you’ve never thought about marrying a woman before at your big age, what were you doing with women up until then? What kind of metric of assurance do you expect to meet before you are ready?

I would agree that you’re not ready for marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “rush” to get engaged at one year. It means you are fairly immature and have not yet seriously evaluated what you want out of life. It’s not fair to do this kind of soul searching on another person’s time.

OP here. Again, I don’t believe in divorce and want to get it right. Between 32 and 35, I was working on solidifying my financial future.

I also took a break for a bit because my serious relationship before my current ended terribly when I found out she was cheating on me with multiple men.

I’ve worked hard to obtain several degrees and work my way up in my career. I’ve spent the last several years making sure I have a good financial backing for when I have a family. Being an active parent is extremely important to me, and I’ve set myself up where I can take off time or work less hours a week, and still provide for my family. I earn enough and have enough in savings and investments to support my future wife if she chooses to stay home. These are the things that are really important to me before I have a family.

OP here. This is exactly what my dad did. I believe kids need both parents. My dad was able to be home by 4pm daily to care for us. He was at every sports activity, school event, celebration, etc. He was able to provide my mom with the luxury of taking years off work to raise us. They both retired early and live every comfortably after sending all 4 kids to college and buying multiple homes. This is the same life I want to offer my future family.

Oh, snd my ex cheated on me because I didn’t give her enough of my time, even though I was working hard to setup our future together.

You seem very, very avoidant. Spending time at work to make money ostensibly *for* her is not the same thing as spending time *with* her. Work can be a way of avoiding relationships. You need to open your eyes to that.

OP here. We did spend time together, just not enough, or every moment together. That’s not possible when you’re working 70 hour weeks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

It’s not a rush, but it’s common sense that you can make this decision in a reasonable amount of time. You’re thirty five for pete’s sake!

If you’ve never thought about marrying a woman before at your big age, what were you doing with women up until then? What kind of metric of assurance do you expect to meet before you are ready?

I would agree that you’re not ready for marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “rush” to get engaged at one year. It means you are fairly immature and have not yet seriously evaluated what you want out of life. It’s not fair to do this kind of soul searching on another person’s time.

OP here. Again, I don’t believe in divorce and want to get it right. Between 32 and 35, I was working on solidifying my financial future.

I also took a break for a bit because my serious relationship before my current ended terribly when I found out she was cheating on me with multiple men.

I’ve worked hard to obtain several degrees and work my way up in my career. I’ve spent the last several years making sure I have a good financial backing for when I have a family. Being an active parent is extremely important to me, and I’ve set myself up where I can take off time or work less hours a week, and still provide for my family. I earn enough and have enough in savings and investments to support my future wife if she chooses to stay home. These are the things that are really important to me before I have a family.

OP here. This is exactly what my dad did. I believe kids need both parents. My dad was able to be home by 4pm daily to care for us. He was at every sports activity, school event, celebration, etc. He was able to provide my mom with the luxury of taking years off work to raise us. They both retired early and live every comfortably after sending all 4 kids to college and buying multiple homes. This is the same life I want to offer my future family.

Oh, snd my ex cheated on me because I didn’t give her enough of my time, even though I was working hard to setup our future together.

So you get married at 36 and have kids at 38, 40, and 42. By the time your oldest is 5 and playing after-school sports, you're 43. By then, if you don't have your career together enough to be able to get home by 4 p.m. if that's what you want, then it's probably never going to happen. If you're like most men, you're probably not getting home at 4 during the difficult toddler years.