Anonymous wrote:My two best friends from college and I go on a trip every year or so. We are in our late 30s. They both are doing very well financially - the one is childfree and between her and her husband make about $500k. The other has two kids and married into wealth. They own three houses. Neither of them live in the DC area anymore.

We are trying to plan a trip for this year and they want to go really big but I can't do that, and I am embarrassed. I have two kids and both DH and I make decent money (HHI around 350k) but between our house, expensive out of pocket therapy for our special needs kid, and our family's own savings goals, I really can't spend multiple thousands of dollars on a girls' trip. I kept trying to steer the conversation to something lower key and then finally had to explicitly say, "I can't spend X," which got awkward.

I feel pretty lame and embarrassed that I can't keep up and that I should be doing better at this age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

New poster. Nope, nope, nope. OP, letting them subsidize your trip will not end well. Sure, the trip itself might be fine, a blast, even, but how would you feel knowing that they might be looking at you -- however kindly meant -- as their charity case friend? They already have demonstrated how very, very tone-deaf they are, when they were too self-involved to pick up on your repeated attempts to plan a less pricey trip. If they subsidize you on THEIR desired and affordable trip, you are possibly going to feel like you're just tagging along, no matter what they say to the contrary.

Someone posted earlier on this thread that real friends would understand that you can't necessarily afford what they an afford without a second thought. Someone else here characterized them as "out of touch." Both those posts were correct. Most of all, please take a hard look at why you feel embarrassed. You and your family are doing extremely well. Don't carry on feeling you "must" travel with friends who don't get YOU -- who don't know without being told that having a special needs child, saving like a mature grown-up saves, etc. are all vitally important. They seem materialistic and oblivious to their own privilege, OP. You seem like an adult, busy adulting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

New poster. Nope, nope, nope. OP, letting them subsidize your trip will not end well. Sure, the trip itself might be fine, a blast, even, but how would you feel knowing that they might be looking at you -- however kindly meant -- as their charity case friend? They already have demonstrated how very, very tone-deaf they are, when they were too self-involved to pick up on your repeated attempts to plan a less pricey trip. If they subsidize you on THEIR desired and affordable trip, you are possibly going to feel like you're just tagging along, no matter what they say to the contrary.

Someone posted earlier on this thread that real friends would understand that you can't necessarily afford what they an afford without a second thought. Someone else here characterized them as "out of touch." Both those posts were correct. Most of all, please take a hard look at why you feel embarrassed. You and your family are doing extremely well. Don't carry on feeling you "must" travel with friends who don't get YOU -- who don't know without being told that having a special needs child, saving like a mature grown-up saves, etc. are all vitally important. They seem materialistic and oblivious to their own privilege, OP. You seem like an adult, busy adulting.

Wow. That's not fair to the friends. Case in point: my best college friends and I get together annually. Two of us have seven figure incomes, and two of us are teachers. When we get together, we split things differently. For example, when we went to NYC, one person paid for the hotel, one for the food, one for theater tickets, one for spa treatments. The people with more money pay for the more expensive items, but all of us contribute an important part of the trip. No one is thus a charity case. We are in different places financially but why on earth would we judge each other about that? We have been through life-threatening illnesses together, and lost one of our closest friends to cancer. Life is too short to let money get in the way of maintaining your closest friendship.