I’m reminded of the short story “Pig Will and Pig Won’t” by Richard Scarry. To a point, life is what you make it and you reap what you sow.

However, certain things that are “unlucky” can set off a chain of events that snowball into much more positive or negative things.

As a child, I had multiple surgeries and had permanent hearing loss that was never addressed due to my parents limited resources. I was funny looking, introverted, and “difficult”, and my mom didn’t like me. At school I struggled to make friends and developed a negative outlook and just assumed people wouldn’t like me, so I guarded myself by keeping to myself. I still have a hard time with things like networking etc. but I have carved out a career for myself by becoming very technically proficient and creative.
Meanwhile, my younger brother was born cute and healthy. My mom loved him. Everything seemed to go well for him. He always had friends and never struggled with low self confidence. What a coincidence, he is now highly successful!
I don’t begrudge him that, and he knows I had it so much harder. But it can be hard to keep self confidence when one has an underlying sense of being undeserving due to a run of bad luck.

Smiley people, positive people, etc. really do seem to have better luck in settings where bestowers of good fortune are around

Anonymous wrote:It’s easy to say to “change your perspective” when you have never faced ongoing bad luck. The head in the sand denial of the experiences of unlucky people is just patronizing and unhelpful.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I agree with most posters who say to try to focus on the positive. Although, if you are not the one who has to endure hardship, you shouldn’t be judging the feelings of those who do.

But, this is a tale old as time. Did you know that in many cultures they have an expression that says something along the lines “it is not meant to be”. So, if someone has bad luck that is not clearly their fault then “it is not meant to be”. I know many people who grew up surrounded by that mentality where you are just not supposed to swim upstream and fight adversity. I actually think that with each new generation, we are getting better and better at this. I also think that simply being sympathetic and supportive to keep looking for better options is the way to go. Saying that someone’s “bad luck” is multiplying due to their own negativity might be true in some cases, but saying this is not helpful.

What a thoughtful and reasonable post! Thank you.

I agree with most posters who say to try to focus on the positive. Although, if you are not the one who has to endure hardship, you shouldn’t be judging the feelings of those who do.

But, this is a tale old as time. Did you know that in many cultures they have an expression that says something along the lines “it is not meant to be”. So, if someone has bad luck that is not clearly their fault then “it is not meant to be”. I know many people who grew up surrounded by that mentality where you are just not supposed to swim upstream and fight adversity. I actually think that with each new generation, we are getting better and better at this. I also think that simply being sympathetic and supportive to keep looking for better options is the way to go. Saying that someone’s “bad luck” is multiplying due to their own negativity might be true in some cases, but saying this is not helpful.

I have two sons like this with completely opposite demeanor. I once heard a saying that resonated with my observation.

“Is he always happy because he is lucky, or is he lucky because he is always happy?”

I can sort of relate. My teen son has bad luck in terms of injuries and non-major illnesses. So many broken bones, concussions, mono, costochondritis etc. He's active, but so are lots of kids, and this doesn't seem to happen to them as often. He has no major medical issues.

Anonymous wrote:My goodness, the boy shouldn't have to take someone to prom if he didn't want to and certainly doesn't deserve to be hazed for it, he was kind and polite.

Would you tell your daughter she had to go with a boy she didn't want to. GMAFB

DP here. I agree with you, but rejecting someone means that the relationship takes a hit. Relationships matter and that's just the way the world works. Her friends were wrong if they blackballed him, but who's to say the selected candidate wasn't just as good or even better than OP's son?

It's possible that OP's older son is looking at everything that isn't Even Steven and crying that it's not fair, while the younger son is much better at social cues and HS politics and doesn't go bonkers when something doesn't go his way. It's hard to say if the younger son is actually luckier or if he just has the better social skills and ignores the stuff that isn't fair. Most of life isn't fair.

It’s easy to say to “change your perspective” when you have never faced ongoing bad luck. The head in the sand denial of the experiences of unlucky people is just patronizing and unhelpful.

OP, you are playing scapegoat vs. golden child. Life doesn't always go our way, obstacles can make us stronger. Let your kids own their wins fully, without qualifying it as being fully deserved (yikes) or not. Please stop all these comparisons. Stop trying to compare your kids, it's a recipe for disaster. Nobody wins when you do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Breaking his arm after covid is the only one I’d attribute to luck. Honestly your second kid sounds like the type who makes the most of every situation he’s in and isn’t a complainer so he’s likable and has an easier time because he just goes with it. Your first son doesn’t have bad luck - he just sounds like he’s got a higher maintenance / more difficult personality and isn’t as likable as your younger son so his life feels less charmed.

I’m reluctant to agree with this because it sounds mean and I’m not certain that it’s accurate, but it could be. My older child could be considered lucky. His teachers are always excellent and he does great at school without a ton of effort. My younger child has all the “bad” teachers. But you could look at it another way. It turns out some of those “bad” teachers were the same people. My younger child is more anxious and more vocal about being unhappy. My older child just accepts his lot and rarely complains. He’s resilient and just deals with the teachers that aren’t as good as others.

Younger child also broke his arm. Multiple times. Missed out on various opportunities. But look at it a different way - older child has also missed out on things for other reasons (Covid for example). For my younger child it feels like it’s just one issue after another, but it’s as much his personality than luck or lack of it.

+1 Some of this stuff is just run of the mill and some kids will ignore it and think everything is fine and some kids will get really upset and feel victimized.

Sounds more like the "unlucky" son focuses more on the negative and the "lucky" one on the positive. I'm sure there were plenty of disappointments and successes for both, but some people remember the good times and others the bad. Don't encourage that by viewing the son as unlucky.

Anonymous wrote:My goodness, the boy shouldn't have to take someone to prom if he didn't want to and certainly doesn't deserve to be hazed for it, he was kind and polite.

Would you tell your daughter she had to go with a boy she didn't want to. GMAFB

This so much. My kid has had a few girls ask him out this year that he was not interested in. He found a way to politely say no and remains friends with some of them - though I understand it could go the other way. High schoolers are a gossipy bunch.

His take is that it would be unkind to lead someone on even by going out once if he's not feeling it.

OP: Pretty sure I wouldn't frame it as lucky/unlucky either. I would try to find positive things that have happened to the "unlucky" kid - or just identify other innate positive traits/attributes and celebrate those as much as the wins of the "lucky" kid.

Yes, I agree that you have to change your perspective. It seems like confirmation bias has already taken over, but you need to make sure this doesn't pass onto your children.

I have a sister whose life was easier in some ways and harder in other ways than mine. As a young adult, she constantly only looked at what was hard for her and not hard for me, and for years, we didn't have much of a relationship because she was so angry/jealous and was horrible to be around. My mom largely agreed with her, so it made everything even worse.

a healthy disregard for rejection

I love this!