Anonymous wrote:hmm, I can see why your sister did what she did. We are doing the lion's share of the work with my aging MIL and while the sibling is helping, it's not to the same level at all.

I think you should give your sister some grace and it sounds like it's time for you two to step up.

I feel the same way -- I am the sister who is doing all the work and sometimes I am at the end of my rope and fantasize about just leaving and letting the other 2 deal with it. Because its just so easy for them to not to anything right now. I have literally told them I don't think I can do this anymore and they don't step up. Your turn OP.

"We all have kids 13 & under, jobs, etc. so it was impossible to drop everything for a day trip just to run mom to a doctor appt unless we had notice well in advance."

Do you not realize that things often come up at the last minute in elder care? That is part of why it sucks. I guarantee you your sister had to do a tons last minute.

You suck, OP. 1.5 hours?? You can do that multiple times a month, easy. Take your kids with them if they are so young you can't leave them alone. Skip their stupid soccer practice or whatever. Step up, just like your sister did for more than FIVE YEARS

Why did you start a new thread rather than updating the old one? I hate it when people do that. You didn't even link to it!

OP...your sister did all the heavy lifting for five plus years and you are mad at her rather than grateful. No good deed goes unpunished, indeed....

Can you explain what you mean when you say the assisted living money has amortized? My parents have home caregivers and I can tell you we go through 175k in one year for caregivers. So if she got five years of care for that (not sure that's what happened), that's a damn good deal.

What is keeping you from moving your mom now, if that is what you supposedly wanted originally?

Your sister doesn’t owe it to you to care for mom because it’s not convenient for you. She put in her time. It’s very easy to become burned out as a caregiver. Since I have been a SAHM for many years, everyone in the family assumes I am the person to depend on. I played along because I did want to help and recognized my siblings had full-time jobs. But after years and years, I literally lost myself. I remember when my mom was in hospice and I would ask a sibling to come and they were too busy quite often. When a close non-parent family member fell and ended up bouncing between hospitals and the nursing home for years, completely dependent, neither were willing to visit or help in any meaningful way. Nobody seemed to recognize the stress of having to handle tearful calls constantly, liaison with caregivers, take over finances, advocate for quality care and then make time to visit in person regularly. Now that my family member is somewhat stable, I’ve decided to go back to work. It’s time for me to focus on my own needs. I even found myself fantasizing about picking up and leaving the area for a time.

Just to be clear, I love all my family members and will do what I can to support them. But i will not support their careers at a cost to my own life and happiness.

YTA

Based on the total lack of self-awareness in your post, my guess is your sister gave you plenty of warning signs about how overwhelmed she was and you ignored them.

- farthest adult child, with a schedule that is objectively no less busy and stressful than my closer siblings - but I still pull my weight and then some with my aging parents.

Anonymous wrote:I actually can’t move closer because of my DH’s job.

She could have asked for help or we could have hired it.

why can’t you hire it now?

There is SOME reason they chose the location 800 miles away. They didn’t just throw a dart at the map.

I can definitely see being annoyed at the lack of warning, but I wonder how you would have reacted and how the conversation would have gone. You mentioned your sister asking you for help occasionally. Did you and your other sibling offer to make a schedule, whereby you’d share some of the load that was falling on her? Did you regularly ask her how she was doing, as the main caretaker, and show her appreciation in tangible ways?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, YATA. You should have offered to hire help before this, but is that the plan now that the burden falls on you and your other sister?

Can you read? She did try that but mom and sister chose the now abandoned arrangement.

Oh, I can read. And this is what I learned:

The place OP's mom lives was the best option when she was looking.
OP rarely spoke to her mother, so she has for five years had no idea what her mother needed or where she (OP) could volunteer to pitch in.
OP's sister handled everything she could. When she occasionally reached the end of her rope and asked OP for help, OP did not come through.
OP's sister left after five grueling years.
OP still isn't calling much or doing much, but now she feels a little bit bad and extremely put upon. And OP thinks that's her sister's fault.

She did the job for 5 years and you’re complaining after 5 days.

Anonymous wrote:She insisted that mom live near her. Mom could have moved near me instead. Then she dumped mom when life got hard.

It was hard all along.

And she did what she could for as long as she could.

Now you need to step up.

You are sad/mad about your mom’s current situation . End of life is hard.

You are blaming this all on your sister. That is misplaced. Her departure just brought your mom’s reality into sharp relief.

Your sister made her decision . Now you need to make yours.

Stop wasting energy by focusing on her. You need solutions, not a scapegoat.

You called your mom in a nursing home once every two weeks?

Anonymous wrote:Yes, YATA. You should have offered to hire help before this, but is that the plan now that the burden falls on you and your other sister?

Can you read? She did try that but mom and sister chose the now abandoned arrangement.

Suck it up, buttercup.

And plan better so you don't get stuck in rush hour traffic.