Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to need systems for everything. And less stuff. And a nanny without ADHD.

Thanks. Our nanny will be leaving in the fall. Where have you found resources for systems?

DP, mom 👩 f college kid with ADHD.
Tons of resources on Instagram, and Google, try different things to see what sticks.

No one has time for that.

Are you a SAHM dedicated to trying to raise adhd kids and an adhd husband? Good luck. Don’t lose your sanity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

It is normal. But having ADHD makes it hard to focus long enough to create such systems, and to remember to use them.

Another thing that is different for neurodivergents is that ND brains don’t get a hit of dopamine for completing a task. So if you are neurotypical and you do a routine task, you get a little surge of dopamine and it creates a reinforcement for the behavior, but ADHD brains don’t have that response. So it requires a lot more willpower to complete daily tasks bc the dopamine hit doesn’t balance out the drain on mental resources. The best description I can think of is to imagine doing a boring task for your boss that you know isn’t necessary and won’t be rewarded like refiling something in a different order. Compare the mental effort that takes to the mental effort of something that benefits you personally and will make a positive difference to complete like reorganizing a closet that’s been getting out of hand. The meaningful task gives you a little boost of positive chemicals at each stage and a slightly bigger one once you are done. The pointless and thankless task is way less reinforcement. For neurodiverse brains, the routine tasks of daily life are an effortful slog akin to the pointless and thankless refiling job and so the mental load of daily life feels incredibly heavy.

Must be swell never doing all those “meaningless tasks” that adults should be doing. Just selfishly do whatever you feel like. All the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

It is normal. But having ADHD makes it hard to focus long enough to create such systems, and to remember to use them.

Another thing that is different for neurodivergents is that ND brains don’t get a hit of dopamine for completing a task.

So if you are neurotypical and you do a routine task, you get a little surge of dopamine and it creates a reinforcement for the behavior, but ADHD brains don’t have that response.

So it requires a lot more willpower to complete daily tasks bc the dopamine hit doesn’t balance out the drain on mental resources.

The best description I can think of is to imagine doing a boring task for your boss that you know isn’t necessary and won’t be rewarded like refiling something in a different order. Compare the mental effort that takes to the mental effort of something that benefits you personally and will make a positive difference to complete like reorganizing a closet that’s been getting out of hand.
The meaningful task gives you a little boost of positive chemicals at each stage and a slightly bigger one once you are done. The pointless and thankless task is way less reinforcement.

For neurodiverse brains, the routine tasks of daily life are an effortful slog akin to the pointless and thankless refiling job and so the mental load of daily life feels incredibly heavy.

Supposed dopamine hit after completely any and all tasks is not the reason anyone STARTS any and all tasks.

Unclear what study or science shows dopamine hits for anyone by type of task.

Also don’t know many adhd who take the time and effort to reorg any closet in their house. Especially once the neglect snowball takes effect (neglect to do tasks until they’re so big you say they’re too overwhelming to do. Easy out they think).

ND people only want to do their hyperfocus favorite activities.
So basic non-favorite stuff like teeth brushing, tidying up, closing the cabinets, putting clothes away can be damned.

Thats why you need systems and accountability, and good habits instilled from an early age by a caretaker who is on top of things. And who likely does not have ADHD.

Another ADHD adult. I don't use medications as I have never found that helpful in increasing my productivity and they tend to actually give me a flat fatigue / lack of energy.

I can't say I have the answers but here are a few things I try to do.

Use lists and checklists that are visible. I write them on a large white board and hang it on the fridge. My ADHD brain likes the dopamine rush of a challenge and it is a frequent reminder of what to do when I get off task

I work in spurts. Sometimes I just crash and there is no way I am going to get anything done at all. So when I do get started on something, I just keep going, usually with the help of high doses of caffeine and try to power through as much as I can.

Sometimes I get completely overwhelmed and I just go into an avoidance / ignore / bury this all mode. During these times, having an organizer or a cleaner or someone who can come and tackle some big items but help me get back into the present.

I have a few key places where I keep everything. I have a large bag I take to work, I have a bin inside the door, I have a huge cabinet in my office at home, and I have a basket in my car. Everything goes into one of those four spots. It means I also keep a lot of unimportant things and am a bit of a pack rack but when I need to find something I know it is in one of those places. Over the years I have worked hard on routines - for example my keys should ever go in my pocket but always in the same pocket of my bag.

I am also pretty good with assigned tasks that have deadlines. I have figured out strategies at work that as long as I do them, I can keep up for the most part and I am really good at hiding and faking when I am behind!

It is just hard but your DH should have figured out some ideas of what works for him by now. He could try meds and see if he gets a good effect.

Anonymous wrote:This YouTuber mostly makes videos about cleaning & organizing other people's houses, but his wife has ADHD and he made this video of practical tips for living with someone with ADHD. After watching this, I can see why some are saying that an organizer may not help if they aren't used to how the ADHD mind works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cre68CTiN8

He’s autistic.

This YouTuber mostly makes videos about cleaning & organizing other people's houses, but his wife has ADHD and he made this video of practical tips for living with someone with ADHD. After watching this, I can see why some are saying that an organizer may not help if they aren't used to how the ADHD mind works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cre68CTiN8

I was in this situation (kids have since fledged).

Give DH some tasks he can manage, like the kids' sports and the weekly grocery shopping if you give him a list. Sure, mine occasionally left the bag with the milk behind, but on the whole it worked. You organize the really complicated things like summer camp.

Get a new nanny, and also a housecleaner every week or two weeks. If your kids have ADHD, it may be a lot to have a nanny that also manages the house.

For me, it was like walking on eggshells because DH had not (yet) been formally diagnosed or medicated, but he knew he was prone to massive screw-ups and was really sensitive to being corrected. I had to find the most nonconfrontational version of myself I could, by telling myself at least he was trying, and I also had to learn to let a lot of things slide.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

It is normal. But having ADHD makes it hard to focus long enough to create such systems, and to remember to use them.

Another thing that is different for neurodivergents is that ND brains don’t get a hit of dopamine for completing a task. So if you are neurotypical and you do a routine task, you get a little surge of dopamine and it creates a reinforcement for the behavior, but ADHD brains don’t have that response. So it requires a lot more willpower to complete daily tasks bc the dopamine hit doesn’t balance out the drain on mental resources. The best description I can think of is to imagine doing a boring task for your boss that you know isn’t necessary and won’t be rewarded like refiling something in a different order. Compare the mental effort that takes to the mental effort of something that benefits you personally and will make a positive difference to complete like reorganizing a closet that’s been getting out of hand. The meaningful task gives you a little boost of positive chemicals at each stage and a slightly bigger one once you are done. The pointless and thankless task is way less reinforcement. For neurodiverse brains, the routine tasks of daily life are an effortful slog akin to the pointless and thankless refiling job and so the mental load of daily life feels incredibly heavy.

Anonymous wrote:Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

It is normal. But having ADHD makes it hard to focus long enough to create such systems, and to remember to use them.

8:42 here and one other thing I wanted to say:
For activities have a “bag” for everything and get extras of things used for multiple activities.
For my current charges, we go to swim lessons, soccer and the library weekly, so I have a library bag with the library car fob attached to the strap and the library books live in there any time we aren’t actively reading them.

The soccer bag has cleats, socks, shinguards, soccer ball, and when I refill the snack cabinet each Monday I throw in snacks and a filled water bottle.

The swim bag has towels, suits, goggles, pool toys, snacks, water bottles, shampoo, change of clothes and pool shoes. When we get home from the pool I replace the suits and towels with clean ones immediately and wash the wet stuff.

This helps to keep the items for specific activities together and ready to use.

Career nanny here (and I actually do playroom reorganization as a side hustle). Your nanny can be a huge resource but you have to hire for that.

Here are some systems that I have found useful with ADHD charges:

1) Figure out their main sensory needs and meet those before you make demands. For example one charge needed a lot of deep pressure so I would wake him in the morning by laying on top of him for a few minutes and chatting about the plans for the day. That helped him start the morning in a better place. Another charge needed lots of cardio and jumping and spinning so we would ALWAYS play outside after school before tackling homework (in literally all weather).

2) Create clear visual cues and enforce specific routines at key points in the day. When they wake up, have a visual schedule with a list of what they need to do in the morning: pee, get dressed, brush hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, get backpack, get shoes on. When they arrive home have a visual schedule by the door: hang backpack, shoes away, wash hands. And another for their bedtime routine. They will need a ton of handholding at first for these routines but if you and the nanny are consistent then over time it will be less of a struggle. It is so worth it to invest in these transitions when they are small bc I have former nfs with ADHD kids where the parents didn’t want to focus on transitions and now the kids are 12 and still regularly lose their shoes or backpack or go to school without brushing teeth.

3) For toys/clutter, the answer is that they need to only have access to a quantity of “stuff” that they can keep tidy. It helps to have a designated space that they can leave something they are still working on (I like those bed trays with foldable legs), but everything else should be cleaned up daily. If that’s not happening, then they need fewer toys. You can put the majority of their stuff in a closet and on a normal day they only have access to an amount they can manage. Keep cutting back until they can handle keeping it cleaned up. You can gradually add more back in once they get better at cleaning up, or you can just rotate out the stuff from the closet periodically, but most kids have too many toys and ADHD kids have WAY too many toys given how easily they get overwhelmed with tidying.

Kind of OT but for those with ADHD, what does it feel like? I am curious because like some of the posters, I am extremely organized, write everything down, etc, have very strong systems and executive functions - but I taught myself to do this in 7th grade after missing a bunch of assignments and forgetting my sports bag, or forgetting to call my mom to tell her I'd arrive somewhere, etc - like many kids do. It has never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD, yet everything being described in this thread is basically my life. I wouldn't be able to function without lists and places to put things. Every successful person I know does these things. I thought it was normal. How would anyone ever remember their schedule, and their spouse's, and their kids', and their parents', plus all the to-do lists for life, without lists? That's why there are calendar planners etc. Like I literally put a calendar reminder for December 1 every year to start doing camp planning with a spreadsheet. And then I forget about it because it's not relevant any more until the reminder pops up, and then I do it.

Are you all saying that the majority of the world who don't have ADHD just remembers all the minutiae of life without memory aids and systems?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to need systems for everything. And less stuff. And a nanny without ADHD.

Thanks. Our nanny will be leaving in the fall. Where have you found resources for systems?

DP, mom 👩 f college kid with ADHD.
Tons of resources on Instagram, and Google, try different things to see what sticks.

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain OP. I have lived the same life only my Dad, sister, cousins and Uncles all have ADHD too. I've been surrounded by it my whole life, which is one of the reasons I didn't really recognize it in my DH until years into my marriage. My kids are now older but I like the suggestions mentioned above (also ignore the clueless posters who don't know that ADHD has a strong genetic component). A couple of additional thoughts/ideas:

1. Consider that your DH may never medicate. Mine has not and I stopped pushing for it because he really believed not being medicated was key to his career success. I couldn't argue otherwise as he has consistently earned a crap load of money.

2. Work with him to identify the tasks he's really good at and then have him own those tasks. My DH cooks dinner every single night--nonnegotiable. He also washes all of the laundry, does all of the Costco runs, and manages the "indoor and outdoor" parts of the house that involve the lawn and any regular maintenance. These tasks freed me up to do the tasks that require executive functioning like remembering to sign up the kids for camps, completing school paperwork, etc.

3. Double down on the advice above re streamlining your life as much as possible. My kids did one activity a season. There was no clutter in our home because I hired someone to come in 4x a year to create piles of stuff to throw away and give away. We also kept birthday and Christmas giving small because I was the only person in charge of managing all of the "stuff" and I knew I could only do it if we controlled the amount of stuff that entered the house.

4. I took a lot of time for myself. I did girl's trips, went to the gym, did Mom's Night Out etc. as much as I could. I needed time when I didn't have to be "on" and could just focus on myself. It's key to not burning out.

5. Don't add any more complications. Do not get a dog, a boat or a second house. Seriously!

6. Keep in mind that ADHD can improve over time. My husband's self regulation has gotten better and better over the years.

7. Go to marriage counseling. It helped us enormously. And, get a date night babysitter. I really needed to connect with my DH weekly in a space separate and apart from the chaos at home. It was a game changer.

Hang in there!

All of this, OP, this is how to do it.

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and it's getting worse post kids and in perimenopause. Your DH needs to get medicated and you both need to read a ton about ADHD and what works and what doesn't.

Also, don't "hire an organizer"... that's not going to help. If you hire help, hire someone who knows a lot about ADHD, a coach or a therapist or something. No amount of organizing is going to help if the person doesn't understand how ADHD brains work.

Couldn’t disagree more. I have an entire family with ADHD and the organizer helped me manage tremendously by decreasing the overall mess. Everything has a place. Now, most often I’m the one putting it there, but in general having things beautifully labeled and organized helps me to decrease waste by not overpurchasing (I know how much I have already), it’s calming to me in a stressful set up, and helps us keep closets and drawers more clean. Worth every penny!