No judgments here (I'm a parent to a DD as well), but an honest question:

Why can't you just say, "if I can't trust you, you will go straight from school to home, full stop (that's what my mom did). Of course, she will resent it, hate you, rebell; but those things seem better than the alternative?

Let me guess:

- you gave her a phone and full access to SnapChat, Insta, TikTok, etc.

Anonymous wrote:DD has gone from a sweet, popular girl with sports, clubs, and honor roll to a straight up baddy. I suspect she vapes, she's dating a rebel type boy and is just letting everything slip. How do we stop this train?? She says she's in love. She has new friends now. Doesn't seem as into her sport or clubs though we still insist she attend. Before anyone blames our parenting, we have clear boundaries and those are respected but we don't know how to control the crowd she's selecting to be with - in the name of love!!! lol

Throw everything you can at this. Right now.
8th grade and sometimes 9th can be the last bits of childhood before everything starts to really count.
I told my son each year what mattered. Before 5th grade - learning matters, perfect grades don’t.
Middle school - get your confidence. Find what you like to do. Learn study skills. Talk to teachers. Don’t stress about As.
9th grade+ - it’s counting now. Grades, study skills, activities, social skills. It has varying effects on life later on.
I’m a big believer in focusing on what matters. Your daughter needs to understand the level of maturity she is expected to have and where she can get support.
Friendships are important but most will not carry through life. Family life matters. Sports you love matter. Learning matters. Vaping interferes with all of this. And will affect her health when she’s older. I’d focus on this and the boyfriend.
My son must prioritize
Health - physical and mental
Family life (we don’t ask much but if there is an emergency it matters)
School
His sport (wants to be recruited)
Friendships
Romantic relationships.

Dating just has to be last. It’s hard. It seems unfair. It won’t always be this way but for now, it must be.

Lots of girls try on different personas at this age. I can tell you some stories about my DD in middle school!
My advice is to stay the course. Make sure she stays involved with her sports /activities, and grades. Don’t give a lot of oxygen to the boyfriend - don’t make it easy for them to get together, but don’t make it “forbidden fruit” either. When she talks about him to you, just play the “that’s nice card”. Don’t get into a power struggle over a 13 yr old boy - but also don’t let them hang out all night in her room. Let her have the romance, but with little actual in person interaction outside of school hours.
Vaping-show her the harm in that. I would ground her for that.

It cracks me up how righteous people are. As if you can “make” a teen comply and not rebel. Shes gotta get through this phase, and it might be stickier than you anticipate. Would also check in with doctor re anxiety or adhd?

Also read Yes Your Teen is Crazy. I have older kids and have watched several girls we know go through something similar. Most do mature and outgrow this nonsense. Your number 1 job is to keep her safe- birth control needs to be considered. Next order of business keep your relationship in tact. You need to begin to guide even if you can no longer control her. This is the transition that happens in HS. You can’t do that effectively if you are fighting about the small stuff. I’d consider having meeting this boy so you have an eye into the relationship. You may hate him, and you’ll need to largely bite your tongue but ask her what she thinks is so great about him. The goal here is to help her make good relationship decision. Teens will make a lot of their own BAD decisions, you want to protect them from horrible consequences if possible, but these BAD decisions are part of their development.

I like the idea of pics of vape lungs. I also think it’s ok to tell her she’s too old for sleepovers, you’ll pick her up at midnight. Sleepovers are when a lot of drinking, drugging and hooking up happens.

Anonymous wrote:“Dating” a kid while at school and seeing them outside of school are two totally different things. Especially if you don’t know the kid or the parents.

This! No, they don’t get to hang out outside of school but you shouldn’t stop the talking on the phone stuff. You need to lock down some stuff just make sure you do it from a place of support not punitive. Except if the vaping is happening, punitive is fine😁. And agree, get her out of town, keep her busy, expose her to different social circles and sleepovers only at your house bc you don’t want her to be in a situation that she isn’t comfortable dealing with or can’t get out of on her own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating in 8th grade????

+1 why parents put up with this sh*t is beyond me

How are you going to stop it? Never have them lrave the house? Controlling behaviors can easily backfire.

You raise them a certain way so they aren’t slaves to fashion trends, boys, peer pressure, etc. You don’t allow frivolous behavior - roaming the mall with friends or hanging out at stores. You say no to nail polish at the age of 8. You say no to booty shorts and crop tops. You keep a close eye on their friends group and make connections with parents. You don’t allow them to hang out if you don’t like their friend group. You keep them busy with school, activities, and family activities on weekends. The Asians and Indians seem to have it down - the American culture is crazy.

We have higher expectations for our children and not afraid to let them know when they're disappointing us. Americans are so scared of their children.

“Dating” a kid while at school and seeing them outside of school are two totally different things. Especially if you don’t know the kid or the parents.

I don't know...I think dating in MS can be innocent but I also think it can be terribly problematic. Too many complicated feelings for 13/14yr olds to navigate.

Sorry meant to write Bangladeshi.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating in 8th grade????

+1 why parents put up with this sh*t is beyond me

How are you going to stop it? Never have them lrave the house? Controlling behaviors can easily backfire.

You raise them a certain way so they aren’t slaves to fashion trends, boys, peer pressure, etc. You don’t allow frivolous behavior - roaming the mall with friends or hanging out at stores. You say no to nail polish at the age of 8. You say no to booty shorts and crop tops. You keep a close eye on their friends group and make connections with parents. You don’t allow them to hang out if you don’t like their friend group. You keep them busy with school, activities, and family activities on weekends. The Asians and Indians seem to have it down - the American culture is crazy.

+10000000000

It’s time to retire these old stereotypes. I’m Indian American, married to a Jewish guy. My daughter’s close friend in 9th was vaping and doing a lot more than that. Once I discovered it, the friendship was history. This girl was Bengali. She was so sweet, but was fascinated by the wrong crowd and distanced herself from her old friends. I have no illusions about my own daughter. She had her first “BF” in 7th! It was very innocent and lasted only a few weeks, but she started it, and she’s the one who kissed him first! I’m not naive. My brother got into bad stuff in college and even in high school, and vapes even today.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating in 8th grade????

+1 why parents put up with this sh*t is beyond me

How are you going to stop it? Never have them lrave the house? Controlling behaviors can easily backfire.

Well, telling them 13/14 is too young for a boyfriend is a start. Then you are fairly strict about knowing exactly who they are with and exactly where they are going and you don't allow one on one dates.

You tell them, drugs, alcohol, and vaping/smoking are not allowed and that they have to have one physical hobby like a sport and one mental hobby like an instrument. You tell them you expect their grades to be A's and B's and if they can't achieve a B in a class they need to work harder and that you will help them and/or hire a tutor to do so.

If they violate your clear and reasonable rules or their grades slip then they are grounded or are on restriction until the grades come back up.

You do all of these things and also love them and engage them and you hope for the best.

My 8th grader had a gf and they barely hang out outside of school. I have zero control over what they do in school. We talk about consent and sex and are as open as possible. But if we prohibit dating completely, then I worry that they’ll just get sneaky. I would rather save me “absolutely nots” for things like substance abuse.

Anonymous wrote:DD has gone from a sweet, popular girl with sports, clubs, and honor roll to a straight up baddy. I suspect she vapes, she's dating a rebel type boy and is just letting everything slip. How do we stop this train?? She says she's in love. She has new friends now. Doesn't seem as into her sport or clubs though we still insist she attend. Before anyone blames our parenting, we have clear boundaries and those are respected but we don't know how to control the crowd she's selecting to be with - in the name of love!!! lol

If this is not a total troll post then you need to know what a boundary actually is.

A boundary is saying: if you do X, then I will do Y.
And then doing it.

A boundary is not a request. It is not: don’t do x.

Good luck.

The parents I know who had daughters spiraling like this relocated to another school or sent them to live with aunts or grandparents out of state.

Don’t mess around.

One mother here in Bethesda moved to Colorado with her daughter for two years. No social media. No smart phones.

I

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating in 8th grade????

+1 why parents put up with this sh*t is beyond me

How are you going to stop it? Never have them lrave the house? Controlling behaviors can easily backfire.

Well, telling them 13/14 is too young for a boyfriend is a start. Then you are fairly strict about knowing exactly who they are with and exactly where they are going and you don't allow one on one dates.

You tell them, drugs, alcohol, and vaping/smoking are not allowed and that they have to have one physical hobby like a sport and one mental hobby like an instrument. You tell them you expect their grades to be A's and B's and if they can't achieve a B in a class they need to work harder and that you will help them and/or hire a tutor to do so.

If they violate your clear and reasonable rules or their grades slip then they are grounded or are on restriction until the grades come back up.

You do all of these things and also love them and engage them and you hope for the best.