Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 11:04     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:Hmmm I have a similar relationship with our male neighbor. We also share a common interest that neither of our spouses do so we've done things surrounding that together, sometimes with our sons who are starting to share the interest too. Nothing else is going on. There is no emotional affair, there is no desire to sleep with him. We may sit next to each other but we don't converse with just each other. I don't know if DH has ever read the texts. If he has, I'm fine with it. They don't vary much from the texts I have with other people with that interest.

I know people won't believe me, I just don't see him that way.


I totally agree. I used to have a male friend who I did lots of things with, texted, talked on the phone, visited him at his house, worked with him, played on a softball team with him, got rides with him or him with me, I could go on and on. We were both married and we never crossed any lines including no flirting. I found him attractive and guess he probably did me too but neither of us was interested in blowing up our marriages so we were just friends. If my husband had questioned this relationship I would have been pretty upset.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 11:01     Subject: Re:Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.


I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.


No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.


Agree with this. Huge opportunities and propositions my entire life—never succumbed —54 now. Unfortunately, spouse had a cheater dad and after swearing he saw what it did he’d never do it—had an affair 18 years in (even with lots of sex, happy at home- but midlife depression).


I’m in a similar situation. Married for decades and had countless opportunities to cheat but never did.

One friend crossed an emotional boundary with me and I drew a line with as much empathy as I could. We are still friends but rarely text. If DH wanted to read our texts I wouldn’t care at all.

I don’t think H has ever cheated but I don’t have proof. Or I should say I have as much proof as I can get. For now.

I see every year that he doesn’t trade me in for a new model (like a car) as a gift.


I find this statement incredibly peculiar. Is there something extraordinarily appealing about this man that beautiful young women are just throwing themselves at him and he has a sure bet to upgrade from you? Also, where are these men? Why don’t I ever see them?

I am married. My husband is tall, employed, and has a lovely smile, but I can’t bring myself to believe he could easily “upgrade.” He is very much a pudgy middle aged balding man in a world FULL of pudgy middle aged balding men.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:57     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
Hmmm I have a similar relationship with our male neighbor. We also share a common interest that neither of our spouses do so we've done things surrounding that together, sometimes with our sons who are starting to share the interest too. Nothing else is going on. There is no emotional affair, there is no desire to sleep with him. We may sit next to each other but we don't converse with just each other. I don't know if DH has ever read the texts. If he has, I'm fine with it. They don't vary much from the texts I have with other people with that interest.

I know people won't believe me, I just don't see him that way.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:52     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
Why is it weird? If they are close friends why wouldn't she interact more with him than other neighbors? Take gender out and you will have a different reaction.

That being said, as a rule of thumb every married man and woman should mind gender lines to avoid giving their spouse, the other person and social group from making wrong assumptions. Marriages have enough issues as it is, you don't need to add misunderstandings and jealousy on top of it.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:50     Subject: Re:Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.


I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.


No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.


Agree with this. Huge opportunities and propositions my entire life—never succumbed —54 now. Unfortunately, spouse had a cheater dad and after swearing he saw what it did he’d never do it—had an affair 18 years in (even with lots of sex, happy at home- but midlife depression).


I’m in a similar situation. Married for decades and had countless opportunities to cheat but never did.

One friend crossed an emotional boundary with me and I drew a line with as much empathy as I could. We are still friends but rarely text. If DH wanted to read our texts I wouldn’t care at all.

I don’t think H has ever cheated but I don’t have proof. Or I should say I have as much proof as I can get. For now.

I see every year that he doesn’t trade me in for a new model (like a car) as a gift.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:47     Subject: Re:Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.


In your black and white world I am curious how you are able to tell if someone's character is cheater if they haven't cheated yet, you know, a cheater who just hasn't cheated yet? How do you figure that out.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:41     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:OP, let her process this. Let her process what you said. Don't need to further emphasize your point of view. She will likely tweak/pivot re: this neighbor relationship. She will find a new normal and even if she doesn't give your comments as a reason, they likely mattered. Just don't press it for now. don't apologize either. Before you could assume she hadn't cheated. Assume it now. Assume it for a bit longer.

NP - I'm wondering if you mean continue to assume she hadn't cheated? Or now assume she has? I think the rest of your post is quite kind and accurate, jw this part.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:38     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
I agree with Op. Something seems very off. Your gut instincts are typically correct.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:34     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They would not sit next to each other if anything was going on.
y
Easier to hide in plain sight.


100% fact.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:28     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:They would not sit next to each other if anything was going on.
y
Easier to hide in plain sight.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:13     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She has a crush on the guy, but they haven’t taken it to the next level.

Tell her you don’t want solo contact between them and you or his wife must always be included in texts.


We have a wife in our group who insists she is on all texts involving her husband. None of the rest of us do that. And honestly, her husband isn't at the top of anyone's list anyway, so it's odd to me that she's so possessive. It feels like she treats him like a child.


He probably cheated in the past and she has PTSD.


100% or someone else in a long relationship cheated on her in the past. That fkkkks your trust the rest of your life.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:12     Subject: Re:Wife friendship with male neighbor
^ the married woman he cheated with was on her 3rd affair. Cheaters cheat.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:11     Subject: Re:Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.


I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.


No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.


Agree with this. Huge opportunities and propositions my entire life—never succumbed —54 now. Unfortunately, spouse had a cheater dad and after swearing he saw what it did he’d never do it—had an affair 18 years in (even with lots of sex, happy at home- but midlife depression).
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 10:08     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
So nothing in the texts? Are you jealous she's drawn to him more to you now even if she hasn't crossed a physical line? If so that's called jealousy.

Also stop invading her privacy you either trust her or you don't. This is a YOU problem not a her problem.
Anonymous
Post 04/30/2024 09:52     Subject: Wife friendship with male neighbor
Anonymous wrote:How frequently were they texting in the old thread?

If you're ever at a point when things happen during your day and your first thought is to text your "friend" of the opposite gender and not your spouse, you are basically having an emotional affair.

Relationships are what you put into them. If you choose to put a lot of energy into a friendship, especially ahead of your marriage, the results will speak for themselves after some time.


These are not “emotional affairs,” these are friendships. Good lord, what social cripples so many of you are.