Anonymous wrote:This isn't a colleague, but I have a very old friend (like 20 years) and a long time ago we had a mutual crush on each other. We discussed it more than once and before either of us met our current spouses, we had two non-sexual but very charged encounters. The timing wasn't right and those feelings shifted for both of us, and then we both met our current partners. We stayed friends, though -- we really care about each other. I'm friends with his wife and he's friends with my husband.

We don't have that tension now and haven't in a long time. But I'm aware it could come back. So I have some rules for myself. I never do anything with this friend that I wouldn't do in front of my husband. I don't talk about things I haven't already discussed with my husband. When I text with this friend, I usually tell my husband (something like "oh Larlo told me something funny from work today, let me show you the text..."). It's just automatic. It's a way to keep myself honest.

I do it both to protect my marriage AND to protect this friendship, which really does matter to me. If that tension ever came back, I think I'd have to step away from the friendship. My marriage comes first. But it would make me so sad -- this is one of my oldest friends, and while that attraction likely formed some of the original basis of our friendship, it's based on much more than that now.

I would suggest setting up some rules like this for yourself. It will allow you to keep this friendship without harming your marriage. But I also suspect that you are enjoying the kind of illicit nature of the relationship right now, and sharing these texts with your spouse and telling you spouse about interactions with this "friend" would raise more questions that you might not want to answer. And that right there should tell you what you need to know.

Anonymous wrote:Would you hand your spouse your phone and happily let her read through all of your conversations? If no, then you have your answer.

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Anonymous wrote:The New Yorker had a short film about it

oops, here's the link: https://www.newyorker.com/video/watch/sparring-partner

Anonymous wrote:The New Yorker had a short film about it

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Anonymous wrote:The posters here are crazy. The only thing that even brings to approach a line is the hand holding, which is no big deal.

texting at night and weekends because spouse will get suspicious needs to stop.

Texting at night and weekends is suspicious? That's a weird take.

No it's not a weird take. Work people almost always confine their texting to work hours. And work people who aren't friends usually communicate using office software not phone number text messaging (think Teams chat, Slack, etc. vs. text messaging to cell phone number).

I think it depends on work culture and policies of each company. I have seen both practices.

Clearly the people saying it’s not an issue have never engaged in an affair. It’s an issue if this isn’t a regular thing for you and most people aren’t texting Bob a friend from work daily until late in the evening.

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Anonymous wrote:The posters here are crazy. The only thing that even brings to approach a line is the hand holding, which is no big deal.

texting at night and weekends because spouse will get suspicious needs to stop.

Texting at night and weekends is suspicious? That's a weird take.

No it's not a weird take. Work people almost always confine their texting to work hours. And work people who aren't friends usually communicate using office software not phone number text messaging (think Teams chat, Slack, etc. vs. text messaging to cell phone number).

I think it depends on work culture and policies of each company. I have seen both practices.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters here are crazy. The only thing that even brings to approach a line is the hand holding, which is no big deal.

texting at night and weekends because spouse will get suspicious needs to stop.

Texting at night and weekends is suspicious? That's a weird take.

No it's not a weird take. Work people almost always confine their texting to work hours. And work people who aren't friends usually communicate using office software not phone number text messaging (think Teams chat, Slack, etc. vs. text messaging to cell phone number).

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters here are crazy. The only thing that even brings to approach a line is the hand holding, which is no big deal.

texting at night and weekends because spouse will get suspicious needs to stop.

Texting at night and weekends is suspicious? That's a weird take.

No it's not a weird take. Work people almost always confine their texting to work hours. And work people who aren't friends usually communicate using office software not phone number text messaging (think Teams chat, Slack, etc. vs. text messaging to cell phone number).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters here are crazy. The only thing that even brings to approach a line is the hand holding, which is no big deal.

texting at night and weekends because spouse will get suspicious needs to stop.

Texting at night and weekends is suspicious? That's a weird take.

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Anonymous wrote:If you aren’t attracted, it’s fine. Is there an attraction? If so, back off and create more boundaries.

This is a dumb question, you would not be so available to someone you are not attracted to.

Anonymous wrote:One big litmus test for me is comparing the amount of emotional intimacy, time spent together, communication etc. with that of your spouse. How often do you go out for drinks and dinner with your spouse? How often do you hold hands with your spouse? How often do you text your spouse? When you text your spouse, do you share the mundane things you're doing? Do you chat with your spouse late into the night? Do you talk about common interests with yoru spouse?