Anonymous
Post 05/06/2024 23:22     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
I am from the generation where a lot of women gave up their careers to be SAHM's and bitterly resented it and had no problem telling their kids that. My mom had two master's degrees and gave up her teaching career, which she loved when she had three kids. Later, she went back to work as a receptionist at my dad's dentists' office, because it provided more flexibility -- but she bitterly resented having a dumb job that didn't challenge her intellectually. We were well aware of this and we felt really guilty. It was all our fault for wanting piano lessons or whatever. Granted, some of this was probably my mom's mental health issues and maybe there are some remarkably well adjusted women (and men) who can walk away from a rewarding, fulfilling career that they have dreamed about since they were little in order to drive car pool who don't resent it or take it out on their kids -= but it's unreasonable to think that everyone is going to be that selfless. And if you say "Well, anyone who's not that selfless should never have children", well, don't be surprised with the current population declines.

It's also difficult as a woman to look at a situation where men still often give up remarkably little and still get to have kids and family fun on vacations, etc. All of the joy and none of the sacrifice.


Parents, particularly mothers, of a child with severe disability should especially take heed of these examples: it's all too easy to fall into the trap of putting all of your energy and resources into your disabled son or daughter, and in the early years when there's a chance of real progress such might make sense if you have no other children, but when it's been five or more years and little or no progress has been made, one has to take heed and ask yourself whether you want to be in the exact same place in twenty years or whether you want to have found some measure of happiness and satisfaction in that time because you invested energy and focus in your own development and ambitions.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2024 17:29     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
Anonymous wrote:No sacrifice. DH and I, do what we think is best for our kids, willingly.

This means putting their wellbeing, health, upbringing, education above all else.

This also means having a wonderful and loving marital life so that our kids feel secure and loved.


Do you and your DH have your own lives, friends, interests, etc?
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2024 17:27     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
Idk about sacrifice, but focusing energy, time and resources on them while they are growing up, yes. But it's been fun and enriching for us too. We've done so many things (activities like camping, fishing, new sports, travel...) we'd never have done without them in addition to the simple rewarding fun of seeing kids grow. Mine are almost grown and it really was all in the blink of an eye.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2024 16:39     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
No sacrifice. DH and I, do what we think is best for our kids, willingly.

This means putting their wellbeing, health, upbringing, education above all else.

This also means having a wonderful and loving marital life so that our kids feel secure and loved.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2024 16:15     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
How 'bout everyone mind their business about what other people "should do"? Sanctimommies are out in force on this thread.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2024 15:50     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
You will be get the level of appreciation you deserve, most likely.

But you are doing it out of love, not the need for affirmation.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2024 11:33     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?



+1. I have and will continue to do so.



Your kids will move on. Hope you didn't sacrifice your marital relationship.


If you have a good marriage, both will put the kids first. My parents put each other before us. Then, they divorce when I was an adult. The strained relationship became more strained. Now as a parent, it was clear I was never a priority and I cannot imagine doing that to mine. Our lives revolve around ours and we are happy to do it. We get pleasure in watching them enjoy their passions.


That clearly seems unhealthy. It is also a Tiger Mom phrase which I assume you are.

The vast majority of Tiger Moms have nothing going on in their lives and now are trying to live vicariously through their kids.


Really? The tiger moms in my circle are doctors, lawyers, and professors (I think the most famous tiger mom is a Yale law school professor). Women who have high standards for themselves generally do for their children as well.


They probably aren't Tiger Moms...just Asian. You need to separate the two. None of my 2nd generation Asian friends are Tiger parents...they were Tigered themselves and hated it.


This is me. You got that right! Anti-tiger mom here!


What does that mean? If you let your daughter try figure skating (a sport with many Asians and tiger moms), and she falls in love with it and wants to practice three hours a day before school, do you deny her? Or does that mean you just don't push your kids to do things they don't really want to do?


It's one thing if you live in Minnesota and have a pond in your back yard and your kid on their own started going out there and skating...however, no figure skating kid in the DMV has that back story. The reason they are skating is because a parent Tiger Mommed them into it. Maybe they do grow to enjoy it, but it's a fairly miserable upbringing.

Don't be a cliche and then complain on the college boards about how your violin-playing, figure skating (or tennis playing) kid was rejected everywhere...because they were competing against similarly mediocre violin-playing, figure skating kids that all looked the same.

Obviously, if your kid qualifies for the Olympics or wins some international violin competition, then your plan will have worked out just fine.

Instead, let your kid become Chloe Kim or an Asian friend of mine's kid who started a punk rock band. My friend dealt with such derision from the Tiger Moms, but then when her daughter was accepted into multiple Ivy schools and Berkeley while their kids weren't...let's just say she was a gracious victor.

Let your kids find their own path, and then I guess you can Tiger Mom them to success in whatever path they choose...which may be nothing more than letting your kid play with her punk band in seedy clubs until 2am.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2024 10:46     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
Anonymous wrote:You have to make parenting decisions without expecting them to be transactional. You can’t sign your children up for a contract they can’t understand.


Agree. Mothers sacrificing everything for their kids really sets up a bad MIL-Marred Child relationship in the future. Your sacrifice doesn't automatically give you a solid relationship or buy in to your kid's family. Providing monetary support (through college, down payments, 529s, childcare, etc) also doesn't give you the buy in. You need to separate a bit from your adult child so he/she can live their own life. Getting left behind feels hard when you've sacrificed everything and everyone else in your life. You need a full, independent life outside of your offspring.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2024 10:38     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
NP here. If any activity doesn't work for the family, as a whole, no huge sacrifice is made for just one family member. Imho

Anonymous
Post 04/23/2024 07:58     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?



+1. I have and will continue to do so.



Your kids will move on. Hope you didn't sacrifice your marital relationship.


If you have a good marriage, both will put the kids first. My parents put each other before us. Then, they divorce when I was an adult. The strained relationship became more strained. Now as a parent, it was clear I was never a priority and I cannot imagine doing that to mine. Our lives revolve around ours and we are happy to do it. We get pleasure in watching them enjoy their passions.


That clearly seems unhealthy. It is also a Tiger Mom phrase which I assume you are.

The vast majority of Tiger Moms have nothing going on in their lives and now are trying to live vicariously through their kids.


Really? The tiger moms in my circle are doctors, lawyers, and professors (I think the most famous tiger mom is a Yale law school professor). Women who have high standards for themselves generally do for their children as well.


They probably aren't Tiger Moms...just Asian. You need to separate the two. None of my 2nd generation Asian friends are Tiger parents...they were Tigered themselves and hated it.


This is me. You got that right! Anti-tiger mom here!


What does that mean? If you let your daughter try figure skating (a sport with many Asians and tiger moms), and she falls in love with it and wants to practice three hours a day before school, do you deny her? Or does that mean you just don't push your kids to do things they don't really want to do?


NP and so in this scenario you get them to the rink at 5 a.m.? No way I would do that. I just don't think that's a reasonable request. Interestingly, I think my boss does this for her kid but I don't think it's every day.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2024 18:22     Subject: Don't sacrifice everything for your children
You have to make parenting decisions without expecting them to be transactional. You can’t sign your children up for a contract they can’t understand.