DS has psychiatric diagnoses and DD has a serious medical diagnosis, so for us success is defined differently.

What helped:

1. Prioritizing parenting over everything else. When we got married, we both wanted kids, and we were both prepared to put in the work to parent. We didn't have date nights or that sort of thing when DS was little. There were no nannies, we were always with him. We are used to putting ourselves last over the needs of our kids. Even when we fought really hard, and really publicly, the priority was always our kids' best interests. We have not divorced, even though we've been on the brink several times.

2. Money. Money to sustain us when I quit my job to look after DS. Money to pay for evaluations, treatments, doctors, tutors, therapies, training. And finally, money for a future trust fund we are considering, so our kids won't be on the street when we are no longer able to help them out and if they may not be able to work.

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts ~ the older they get the greater number of adults they have in their life to answer to: teachers, coaches, neighbors, family members both immediate and extended. Do not try to manage these relationships. Your child is learning relationship skills to eventually manage adult relationships in their community. Surprise bonus: they don't have to learn everything from you. They shouldn't, and they won't.

Natural consequences ~ natural consequences is the best teacher. The best enforcer of punishment. Do not shield them from natural consequences.

Regarding decisions of maturity ~ what they are ready for, and when ... Do not impede. Do not promote.

I also found this commentary insightful. Ours are nearing the end of HS and, after reading this, realized that they have found some wonderful adult mentors along the way. Sometimes, they’ve even been kind enough to mentor me & DH. Their sometimes older, sometimes younger perspectives and their knowledge of our child provided some meaningful and necessary counsel.

Ours are also in JROTC and the Senior MI opened Freshman/LE1 Open House Night with “Do Not Save Your Cadet.” That HS, that “now” is the time to let them fail - when the consequences are not as great and they still have a support system to help if there’s real trouble. No truer words ever spoken.

Thanks OP for starting the thread and to PPs for some thoughtful replies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our three are all very successful and best friends. Plus happily married. I think we set good examples as a loving couple, we both had careers but family was always the priority and we never had household drama. We are both well educated so our kids knew that was important to being successful. We didn’t browbeat them if they got a bad grade, we just highlighted the importance of working hard if you want to succeed. When they were in ES and MS our free time was pretty much devoted to them and their activities and we enjoyed it. Even today we stay in very close contact with them and their children and they often seek our advice. Finally, I think we set a very good example when it came to things like smoking, drinking, partying etc etc. We are very social people but setting a good example was always high on our behavior list.

Hahahahahaha!!

Not a chance I believe the bolded. MS years are designed to bring drama to your house. Are you saying your kids didn't go through the normal development? Or are you just a narcissist who has their goggles on and your kids will have something different to say about their upbringing.

I'm not PP, but are you serious? There's drama and then there's DRAMA. Middle-school kid drama is not what this person is talking about, she's talking about the big things - addiction, abuse, broken and transient relationships... this is the sort of drama that screws kids up.

Anonymous wrote:I think Parents give them self to much credit. My Dad was a raging drunk who left us penniless when he died leaving my Mom with four kids to raise with zero money or life insurance. To top is off my Mom had an 8th grade education and last job she had was a waitress 18 years earlier. Dad dropped dead with an 18, 16, 15 and 11 year old at home. Growing up was always massive fights, Dad beating us with belts and sometimes the cops showing up.

All four of us got masters degrees and I am sitting in a two million dollar paid off home, have a 750K paid off beach condo and 8 million in bank/stocks. My one sibling has like 20 million.

we all graduated zero loans good schools with zero parental help. My Mom even charged me for rent and groceries in college.

Many big movie stars and famous people had horrible childhoods. Many thing if not for the bad childhood they would have never succeeded in life.

Let's face it... if rock star parents were ecstatic when their kids said they were dropping out of HS with no plan but a dream and a guitar...well, they won't become rock stars (even though 99.9% of those kids won't become rock stars either).

It's funny...Billy Corrigan from the Smashing Pumpkins has a whole podcast on this. His dad was a big jazz player in Chicago, but a drunk and professional failure that treated Billy and his mom terribly. His dad hated his music...but after he made it big his dad told him that if he had been a normal supportive parent...how would he have had the drive to make music that his dad hated and become the star he is.

Billy is philosophical...because on one hand his dad is correct...but on the other he wonders that perhaps I would have become some incredible jazz guitarist instead.

He still doesn't know the correct answer.