Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

You definitely know more than one person who has cheated, you just don’t know that they did. Which is fine! It’s not really something you need to know!

^accurate.

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.

Maybe it’s just me, but I would vastly prefer Lake George in this scenario

Lake George over Paris? Really?

Paris in 2024? Yes, absolutely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

You definitely know more than one person who has cheated, you just don’t know that they did. Which is fine! It’s not really something you need to know!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

You definitely know more than one person who has cheated, you just don’t know that they did. Which is fine! It’s not really something you need to know!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

I'm in the DC area and 99% of our friends are still married (we're on year 26). All of us are UMC. I don't know one person who has cheated. These are friends from when our kids were in daycare, elementary, college friends, grad school friends, childhood friends. None of us are particularly religious either. I wonder about this a lot.

Anonymous wrote:For those who don’t know any divorced couples I wonder where you live.
I am in the boat of knowing very few happily married couples.

We aren’t talking about rough patches.
When you are married to an addict or an abuser the entire marriage becomes a rough patch. And often those character flaws don’t become fully apparent until after the arrival of children.

Oh I also blame youth sports. No one spends nearly enough time cultivating their most important relationship in this area.

We as a culture want for too much — career success, financial success, super star children, material attainment, athletic success …something has to give.

The way lives in the UMC work around here marriage hardly stands a chance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know a single couple who hasn't had issues at that age. I feel it's entirely normal and understandable to come to mid-life, deal with perimenopause hormones and whatever men get at the same age, disruptive adolescents, aging parents, and see your professional and private hopes reframe themselves naturally.

I'd be shocked if a couple DIDN'T have problems, honestly!

However none of my friends are divorced or separated, and neither are we. But I think that may be more of a cultural issue than a measure of how unserious or serious the marital problems are. My circle is American, European and Asian, with Catholic roots or some other type of conservative tradition shaping our understanding of life (even though none of us are regular church/pagoda/temple goers), and we all believe the institution of marriage is important.

This. Marriages are made up of the bond between two people, and eventually something in life is going to put stress on that bond. DH and I have been together 20 years and had a "rough patch" for a couple of years that we are just starting to come out of. It was health issues that put the pressure on us. I'm 53 and dealt with sleep deprivation from undiagnosed sleep apnea and insomnia and hot flashes from perimenopause. It hasn't been pretty. But with treatment for both, things are getting better.

But yeah, eventually something puts stress on the marriage. If not -- you probably aren't living much. (I remember when I was a young lawyer at DOJ I said to my chief "I haven't lost a single case," and he said "Then I haven't been giving you anything challenging enough." Same kind of thing. )

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird age, you don’t have the energy you had at 30 or 40 and may be coming to terms that the abilities you have aren’t limitless and you may just have gotten just as far as you’re going to. You thought one day you’d have an apartment on Rue Bayard but instead spend a week with your in-laws at their timeshare on Lake George.

20 to 49 was an unbroken boulevard of green lights and then everything fell apart all at once. Health issues, money problems and betrayal pulled the rug out from under me all within 18 months.
I know people who have lots of rough times and I really didn’t have any, sure there was loss but they were all in a natural order like grandparents, parents etc. so I think that the beating I’ve been taking over the past couple years is long overdue. My spouse would likely report the same and if options were better they’d probably be off making a new life for themselves instead of trying to improve this one.
As I think about my life right now it kind of feels like one of those wealth transfer events like Covid or the real estate crash but instead of coming out ahead like I always did this time I got kicked in the chest, I’m still me so I will come back but the past two years have been humbling to say the least. The positive thing I learned from the past couple years is that there is nothing more precious than human connection, being cared for and understood and returning that immeasurably valuable gift to another is what makes life worth living.

The marriages I’ve witnessed falling apart aren’t a surprise, their dissolution seems almost overdue and I pray mine will not become another.