Anonymous wrote:Undiagnosed and/or untreated mental illness.

If they look normal and went to college and have a career this is harsh but true. There is no reason a normal person shouldn’t be married by 30, let alone 40.

I assume there is a backstory. I have a few single / never married friends and they all have a story.
One dated a guy she met freshman year of college for 10 years . . . until he came out as gay.
One was engaged at 28 and her fiance was killed in a car accident caused by a drunk driver a few months before her wedding.
One quit her job in her late 20s to move home and care for a family member for 6 years before they died.
One grew up very conservative in a devoutly Catholic family, never dated, was a D1 athlete in college and didn’t have the normal social scene. She presents like a butch lesbian, but claims to be hoping she’ll meet a husband at church.
Only one of my friends, still single at 44, really only has herself to blame. She is very critical of everyone and in our 20s she had complaints about every male she met. She’s been in therapy and thinks she may finally be ready to date again - but I don’t have high hopes. She’s passed up so many 7s and 8s looking for her 10, the longer she waits the more it seems she feels like she must find the absolute perfect person.

For a man, I generally think there must be something kind of wrong with him, since marriage is usually more beneficial to men. Or that he's gay. For a woman, I think she's probably doesn't want a family/is into her career and/or prefers being single to lowering her standards.

Probably a weirdo

I'm 53 and never married. I did have opportunities but balked at all of them. My standards were not too high or picky - I just refused to take the load that so many women take in long term committed relationships. By that I mean the patently unfair distribution of household labor and childcare obligations and life management tasks. I especially had no desire to take on that subservient role in the face of ingratitude, inconsideration and often also infidelity.

I won't kid you, life as a single woman going it alone has often been hard. I have always had wonderful friends who buoyed me up, but I have often wondered if my life couldn't have been much easier and better with a man by my side.

But now that I'm in midlife I'm looking around at the failed marriages, the widows, the very unhappily married couples who are staying together for finances and out of habit and who look like people who spend all their time lonely and unhappy but yet spend most of their time in 'togetherness.'

I feel grateful for my occasional loneliness which is much easier to bear than that awful loneliness one can experience with someone else sitting right there in the same room.

So far: nothing. In know some and they haven't even had a serious relationship. They seem completely healthy and at peace. Nothing strange or wierd.

Anonymous wrote:If it's a man, I'm guessing they may have an intense career or are working 24/7 and didn't have time for relationships. (this was the case for my husband, who was in his late 40s when I met him, just as he'd wrapped up a business venture, and was taking off time before his next venture..... knowing how hard he works now, we would have never met at all if it weren't for his being on break between companies)....

If it's a woman, in my experience, it is different...I know several super gorgeous women who never wanted to settle, got proposals from professional athletes, gorgeous smart fun men, and I think were so used to having their pick....that they waited too long...these ladies are still single and with unavailable men...

Of course, there are just some patterns/anecdotes.... there are many reasons one might single, a lot to do with luck and timing too.

I would NOT say single over 39 is a red flag....

Many women are like the man you describe in this scenario. I married someone I did not feel right about at 32 due to family and social pressure. I did not have time to date. Zero time. I was always working. That was 15 years ago. Now I think there is less pressure for people to settle so they stay single longer. I am divorced. Marriage was the most miserable decade…I wish I had been 10-15 years younger and I would have been one of the people described in this post. Far better than making a mistake with marriage.

If it's a man, I'm guessing they may have an intense career or are working 24/7 and didn't have time for relationships. (this was the case for my husband, who was in his late 40s when I met him, just as he'd wrapped up a business venture, and was taking off time before his next venture..... knowing how hard he works now, we would have never met at all if it weren't for his being on break between companies)....

If it's a woman, in my experience, it is different...I know several super gorgeous women who never wanted to settle, got proposals from professional athletes, gorgeous smart fun men, and I think were so used to having their pick....that they waited too long...these ladies are still single and with unavailable men...

Of course, there are just some patterns/anecdotes.... there are many reasons one might single, a lot to do with luck and timing too.

I would NOT say single over 39 is a red flag....

I've young (30-38) men and women in social circle who are good looking, pleasant, successful and seem completely normal but not married or engaged yet.

Many spend youth chasing grades, admissions, grad/professional schools, training, career, money etc., thinking committed relationships, marriage and babies would mess with their desired life trajectory.

I don't necessarily think mental health issues, but I found that the people I know that are single at 35+ generally have very long requirement lists for partners and absolutely no one fits the bill. They are lovely people and friends but just cannot get past themselves to be open to more people.

When I hit 31 and was still single I dumped the most recent guy stringing me along and found a great man. His job (military) has the biggest negative but we've made it work. Got married that year.

* which is absolutely fine just not conducive to creating traditional families

We'll see more single older adults as now people are uber picky, want to start late, breakup perfectly fine relationships to avoid committing and playing the field longer, which often leads to ending up single or divorced.

They have successful careers and travel alot

Anonymous wrote:Undiagnosed and/or untreated mental illness.

Who knows, may be they are the only ones without any mental illnesses.