Anonymous wrote:DH did something recently that crossed a hard bright line of a boundary. Something so egregious that I immediately told him I want a divorce.

He does not want to divorce and asked if we could separate instead.

I don’t believe in separations, for the most part, and in this instance am not interested.

We have one child(5). He’s a present and attentive father. However what occurred is a behavior that I don’t want our child to grow up around or believe is normal.

Not infidelity, not drugs or drinking.

The issue happened about a week ago. He has apologized and is taking steps to rectify.

I am feeling…meh. We can be in the same house, sleep in the same bed. I’m not angry, but I am feeling just done. Healthy fun adventurous sex life before this, and I have zero interest right now.

Objectively it’s likely not this last thing but being fed up because this last thing was the straw. We had a rough 2-years when first married, but the last few have been good.

Do I just stick it out? I don’t want my kid to deal with split households, split resources, step siblings, etc. I have no interest in ever remarrying and will be fine if I don’t have more kids.

For people who divorced, where it wasn’t a clear “my spouse is terrible and I must get out” how did you know? If you divorced, did you regret it?

If you stayed did things get better? How?

Probably should mention both of us have been under a bunch of work stress lately.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

Guess what, if you were in an all-out fight, swearing, yelling at each other, you were BOTH being verbally abusive to EACH OTHER. You both lost it and you don’t get to just arbitrarily say “oh this thing he said crossed my red line,” you BOTH crossed several lines before you got to that point. That’s not the dynamic of an abuser-victim relationship, that’s two people abusing each other.

You both need professional help and you need to get off your high horse, OP.

Swearing is not the same thing as threatening violence, especially if the person threatening violence is much larger and more powerful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

Guess what, if you were in an all-out fight, swearing, yelling at each other, you were BOTH being verbally abusive to EACH OTHER. You both lost it and you don’t get to just arbitrarily say “oh this thing he said crossed my red line,” you BOTH crossed several lines before you got to that point. That’s not the dynamic of an abuser-victim relationship, that’s two people abusing each other.

You both need professional help and you need to get off your high horse, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

In my experience threats were a precursor to violence I. Which my ex tried to kill me. When someone shows you who they are, believe them…the first time.

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to grow up. You two were in a major argument. People say things, including you. If he didn't hit you stop acting like a baby. You two have a child together. Any thought to how your kid's life will be with a broken home?

Also, 100% do not believe this ONE ARGUMENT did a 180 on your entire marriage. Sorry, doesn't work that way. You're leaving out stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

Anonymous wrote:DH did something recently that crossed a hard bright line of a boundary. Something so egregious that I immediately told him I want a divorce.

He does not want to divorce and asked if we could separate instead.

I don’t believe in separations, for the most part, and in this instance am not interested.

We have one child(5). He’s a present and attentive father. However what occurred is a behavior that I don’t want our child to grow up around or believe is normal.

Not infidelity, not drugs or drinking.

The issue happened about a week ago. He has apologized and is taking steps to rectify.

I am feeling…meh. We can be in the same house, sleep in the same bed. I’m not angry, but I am feeling just done. Healthy fun adventurous sex life before this, and I have zero interest right now.

Objectively it’s likely not this last thing but being fed up because this last thing was the straw. We had a rough 2-years when first married, but the last few have been good.

Do I just stick it out? I don’t want my kid to deal with split households, split resources, step siblings, etc. I have no interest in ever remarrying and will be fine if I don’t have more kids.

For people who divorced, where it wasn’t a clear “my spouse is terrible and I must get out” how did you know? If you divorced, did you regret it?

If you stayed did things get better? How?

Probably should mention both of us have been under a bunch of work stress lately.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much fallacious thinking on here. Your DH made a very serious mistake. He should take steps to ensure that it never happens again, rules to prevent arguments from getting so hot, etc.

As bad as his threatening words were, they do not mean that A. He will now hit you. B. He will now hurt your kid. C. He is going to kill you.

His bad actions do mean he has to get his f*ing act together or life as he knows it is over.

DH is responding to this like he understands I am serious about ending our marriage because of how seriously I take this incident. He has not attempted to love bomb, nor did he even tell me about the counseling and anger management. I only know because there were claims reported to our insurance and I get notifications through our HSA, he does not know I’m notified, which tells me it’s not performative.

And all of that is great, it’s quite literally the least he should do for himself. I just don’t know if I’m interested in sticking it out past this. It’s like a switch, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this happened.

Part of why I’m even considering divorcing is because I’m not worried about splitting custody. Kid will be taken care of well in either household. DH is responsible as a Dad.

What does concern me is I don’t like the idea of new people being added in new relationships because step parents are either wonderful or terrible, and I don’t want my kid to have to share resources with step siblings.

It's odd to me how comfortable you seem to be about seeing your children less. Is there some part of you that wouldn't actually enjoy more YOU time, and as bad as whatever he threatened is or was (I don't know), here's a chance to get out from a lifestyle you don't actually want?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, yelling and swearing at each other is not normal or healthy. You need therapy too. Lots of it. Healthy relationships and healthy people don’t fight like this.

I’m already in therapy. This argument was abnormal for us, hence noting the work stress.

Our household is generally peaceful.

Anonymous wrote:OP. Threatened me with physical violence, did not physically harm me. We were arguing, both yelling, both swearing and it escalated.

I have a long ago history in an abusive relationship that was life threatening violence and it’s not something I’m going to deal with. DH is aware of the history.

DH has gotten himself into individual counseling and anger management, but I’m waiting to see if it sticks.