Colleges seem more student focused than in the past. One of many examples: We ate the slop they put before us, and that was that. Now, they have every food imaginable tailored for numerous dietary concerns.

I didn't find my people in college either. My firstborn found their people at orientation, and I'm a little envious! That group is still going strong into their second year. The firstborn joined a theater group, and all the togetherness fosters friendships. I'm so happy for them! Yet this brings back memories and I wonder if I should have branched out more. Hint: I should have.

I give myself some grace because I was just eighteen and overcoming some grief. In junior year or so, I had a boyfriend, and that took time away from campus and meeting other people. If I could do it over again, I would have joined more clubs to try out different experiences and would not have spent so much time with the boyfriend in an apartment that smelled like stale socks!

In college, I had little guidance or direction. Parental support mostly didn't exist for me, and I can't do anything about it now.

I take solace that I've developed friendships as an adult. I've been working on expanding my friendships despite the fact people say you can't make new friends when you're of a certain age. It's possible to do, though it takes quite a bit of time to organize gatherings when you can't just gather at a football game or at the dining hall.

Anonymous wrote:One thing that is true for any school is that no matter how social and great a dorm is, your kid will not make friends if he/she does not put himself/herself out there. I have often heard that the fall of freshmen year is the best time to make friends because everyone is trying to get to know each other (and they really want to make friends). Still, if you just hang out inside your dorm and don't take the initiative to invite others (and instead, just wait for others to invite you), it will be difficult to make friends. Also, when others invite you, you should make an effort to say yes (even if the activity might not be your thing). Someone gave the advice of pretty much saying yes to most invitations (within reason - should be a safe activity) during the first semester of freshmen year. My (very introverted) kid did just that and she ended up making so many friends - friends that she is still friends with as a senior. She had very few friends in high school, but made a lot of really good ones in college.

this is absolutely right. I came to school late and went home for several weekends that first fall to participate in end of year championships for my sport and i definitely missed out on the initial bonding. The very first day and very first week are critical.

I stayed in touch for a while, but people change and grow apart. Some of the people I was closest to in college are people I no longer want to be around.

Others are fine for holiday cards or social media but we have little in common today - e.g., many or most of my college friends didn't have kids, and I did, so we just have very different lives.

I had a big group of friends in college, was roommates/housemates with them for most of the college years, and still am not really in touch with any of them now. I moved across the country plus a lot of them just didn’t really want to stay close after college. I communicate with some of them occasionally through social media.

OP, even if you don't have a diagnosis you can read up or attend support groups to improve social skills. My daughter struggles with "reading the room" and too much rigid thinking at certain times....and modeling social situations and getting her a therapist has really helped. No diagnosis for her either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a couple close friends. But I didn't have that great group of friends you're still friends with years later. I was lonely a lot and on the fringes of other groups, plus I had one good friend I roomed with junior and senior year which helped.

For me I think it was that I spent too much time with a boyfriend my first year. But I also just wasn't very adept at making friends? And I did not really mesh with anyone on my freshman hall - there was a big clique I wasted too much time trying to be a part of. I should have realized sooner they didn't want to include me and branched out more.

I could see how both those things could impact it. It’s not that people don’t make friends after freshman year and groups change but often the seeds are planted freshman year. You meet a friend of a friend and become closer the following year or you live with the friends you made freshman year and become closer as a group. Many people are a little less open to making new friends and want to spend their energy on current friends once they feel like they have a set friend group. It makes it harder if you are trying to find friends after the “everyone is interesting and a potential friend” stage has passed freshmen year.

yes, having a boyfriend in college was a major mistake for me (in retrospect). He was very nice and we were honestly more like good friends than anything (never very serious in the romantic sense, always knew deep down we would break up eventually and not get married) but I wasted so much time with him that I could have been investing in female friendship. Now I'm in my 40s and really have no one to reminisce about college with. I am dying to call him up just to chat but we're both married with kids so I don't. But boy would I love to just chat with him. So many of my college memories are tied up with this person---- from classes to road trips to sporting events, and on and on...

I was a commuter kid to an OOS university and did not get housing on campus and it definitely impacted my friendships. I was really cool with my roommates but I have zero college friends today, 20 years later. I have lots of deep friendships otherwise. I have a twinge of envy for those who do have college friends.

I don’t have any friends from college. I went to CC first two years (had many friends there but I was already friends with them) and then transferred and dormed at a 4 year college. Had fun, got my degree but no lasting friendships unfortunately. This was before social media. Still great friends with my childhood friends.

How’s everyone’s kids doing with college friendships…..are they lasting so far? Hopefully everyone is finding their circle, big or small.

How

One thing that is true for any school is that no matter how social and great a dorm is, your kid will not make friends if he/she does not put himself/herself out there. I have often heard that the fall of freshmen year is the best time to make friends because everyone is trying to get to know each other (and they really want to make friends). Still, if you just hang out inside your dorm and don't take the initiative to invite others (and instead, just wait for others to invite you), it will be difficult to make friends. Also, when others invite you, you should make an effort to say yes (even if the activity might not be your thing). Someone gave the advice of pretty much saying yes to most invitations (within reason - should be a safe activity) during the first semester of freshmen year. My (very introverted) kid did just that and she ended up making so many friends - friends that she is still friends with as a senior. She had very few friends in high school, but made a lot of really good ones in college.

I had two friends that I was close with in college, but we didn't stay close afterwards. They moved to the west coast, and didn't have kids, I stayed on the east coast and had kids. Our lives went in different directions.

I recently reconnected with a room mate from my 2nd year and that's been great. Otherwise I have been long term in touch with probably only 2 friends since leaving college.

What are we defining as "friend group", people who you still stay in touch with and talk to like you did in HS/College/Grad? Does anyone do that after people scatter for jobs, etc.? I have friends from all groups but not on the same level as when we were together all the time. But it's important to meet new people -even if just a few- where you are.

I was like you but made a few friends through my sorority. (My sorority was pretty low key.) But I did not make a single friend in law school. It gets me bummed sometimes that I have such a hard time in that area, but my husband came with a group of friends, so I've glommed onto his. I've tried joining the PTA, joining committees at work, etc., but I don't have the knack. The one time I made friends easily was at sleepaway camp. My oldest daughter is similar to me and I've thought about advising her to go to a SLAC but it sounds like a small school is not necessarily easier for socializing.

Lived off campus all 4 years in late 80s at a state flagship. Still see friends from college on annual basis. We are spread throughout the country so not as easy as it use to be. But we are meeting up more often now that all of us are or phasing into being empty nesters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To posters writing that social media or online communications would have helped to keep connected to college friends, that's not necessarily true. These days see young adults follow or have "friends" from college on social online accounts but that's about it. So while you can say they have "friends" most are mere acquaintances that they don't actually hang out with or can call if needed to listen-help-give advice.

I think you may be discounting the difficulty of staying in touch before cell phones or Gmail. We technically had email, but used our school and email addresses and those were turned off shortly graduation. So at graduation everyone scattered. Most stayed with their parents for a few weeks/months before moving to be near their jobs or grad school. Then people likely got a landline phone with a new number. With everyone moving at the same time and long distance being expensive, it was really easy to lose touch unless you were in the same city. There was no directory of people's parents' phone numbers, so there was no reasonable way to even look up that contact info. People who stayed in touch tended to be local to each other.

I graduated mid 90s and I think phones, email, social media have changed making and keeping friendships and socializing in ways it’s hard for us Gen x’ers to fully appreciate. I went to an elite school and I had friends in college, did activities, was in a sorority, but the friendships drifted after college or even in some cases by the end of college. I think to some extent I was friends with people because they were my roommate or lived on my floor etc and then it turned out we didn’t really have the close bonds that keep friendships going for years. Like another PP I’ve tried hard not to oversell the college experience - especially to my more introverted child - and really focus my kids on finding the school with the best fit socially, not just highest ranking