Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 14:25     Subject: Re:Help me make it through the next month and a half
OP here. I’ve been taking an online break for the past couple of weeks, going back and forth between dissociating/acting for my family’s sake and practicing self-care for mine.

Jury selection starts next week. Thankfully DC is back at college after spring break so it’ll only be me attending court (my ILs live abroad and spouse doesn’t want anyone else there anyway). I’ll absolutely support and see spouse through the trial, then take the appropriate steps to get my own life back (individual therapy, divorce filing, etc.). Even though I recognize I should have already spoken with a therapist and divorce lawyer, I just don’t have the mental bandwidth until after the verdict.

Thank you, DCUM, for continuing to let me air my thoughts here.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2024 18:06     Subject: Re:Help me make it through the next month and a half
Best wished to you, OP. And to the other poster who is going through a similar situation.

I agree with the prior posters who suggested that you get your own lawyer. It will help to have someone lined up who is looking out for your interests.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2024 17:10     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be hard to believe, but I am going through something extremely similar. Like, essentially the exact same thing. Keeping up appearances, avoiding talking about it to others, the secondhand shame. And the hyper vigilance of protecting the privacy of kids and fear that others will find out what is going on. It is exhausting, mortifying, crazy-making.

If you may want to connect, anonymously, please create a free anonymous email (ProtonMail) and post it here and I’ll email you. It is a very unsettling and damaging position to be and the legal stress is never ending. I get it. I truly truly feel for you because I do know how it feels.

If not, please know I am thinking of you, wishing you strength, and some semblance of peace as this unfortunate chapter eventually will come to an end. And it will. Remember that life is long, there is more out there meant for you, more good in life for you. I promise. Hugs to you.


I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this as well! I think it’s a slippery slope for us to email, even anonymously, but we can both use this thread to vent and offer emotional support to one another. How long has it been, and when is the end in sight for you?


Understood. Offer stands if you change your mind. My ex’s is sex-related and the trial is in the fall. I have already divorced him and we are in touch only related to the kids.

I agree you need a therapist. They will keep confidences; it’s their job. I also recommend you consult a divorce attorney if you have not already. They can help you work on the steps you need to take now before filing.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 19:38     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
I would consult an attorney if there is a chance that restitution will be ordered by the court as part of sentencing or if it is a civil case. You need to protect your assets should it all go south.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 19:27     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you need to be present in court or can you avoid?


Legal team insists I be present to show jury that spouse has my “utmost faith and support.” For DC’s sake, I agree with them.


Can’t be divorce by jury. Yikes. Sounds horrible. I’m a therapist also and a therapist isn’t going to break your confidence. I suggest getting one too.


Drumming up business on this board.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 19:26     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Melania, is that you?


No, because she knows her spouse is guilty of what he’s accused of and more.


And she DNGAF. She famously re-negotiated the prenup and is all set living the high life, or at least higher than if she was a middle aged retired model back in Slovenia


She was never a model, just a wanna-be.


Then she should have been since she is model material.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 19:19     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you need to be present in court or can you avoid?


Legal team insists I be present to show jury that spouse has my “utmost faith and support.” For DC’s sake, I agree with them.


Can’t be divorce by jury. Yikes. Sounds horrible. I’m a therapist also and a therapist isn’t going to break your confidence. I suggest getting one too.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 18:17     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you should find a therapist. It’s OK not to tell the therapist everything. You could be upfront about it, and tell her what you told us, and still work on things like coping skills and boundaries and stuff.

I went through a similar situation, although mine was sex related (then-husband had an affair, and when his AP tried to break it off, he broke into her house, destroyed her stuff, and then distributed intimate pictures of her on an amateur porn site). I knew I was leaving, but also realized that it was no good for DD if her dad was in prison, so I played along. I had a therapist to help me through it, and then the divorce.


I’m so sorry you had to go through this! Did your XH go to prison after all?


He did not. But he does have it on his record so he cannot change jobs or do anything else that will require a background check. We divorced, and our daughter is in college now, so we have no remaining financial ties.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 18:07     Subject: Re:Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:OP here. There’s something else I implied but should’ve explicitly stated earlier - spouse is unaware of my plans to leave after the trial. I do feel guilty about this, but they have been under so much stress that I honestly feared they might collapse if I told them. Did I do the right thing?


Considering you are being supportive in the midst of their peril, I don't think this is a productive train of thought, OP. You're helping NOW, when they need it. Your departure will inflict more stress after the trial, but really, what are you supposed to do? You have needs too. At least you didn't leave before.

Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 17:59     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:I think you should find a therapist. It’s OK not to tell the therapist everything. You could be upfront about it, and tell her what you told us, and still work on things like coping skills and boundaries and stuff.

I went through a similar situation, although mine was sex related (then-husband had an affair, and when his AP tried to break it off, he broke into her house, destroyed her stuff, and then distributed intimate pictures of her on an amateur porn site). I knew I was leaving, but also realized that it was no good for DD if her dad was in prison, so I played along. I had a therapist to help me through it, and then the divorce.


I’m so sorry you had to go through this! Did your XH go to prison after all?
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 17:58     Subject: Re:Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. There’s something else I implied but should’ve explicitly stated earlier - spouse is unaware of my plans to leave after the trial. I do feel guilty about this, but they have been under so much stress that I honestly feared they might collapse if I told them. Did I do the right thing?


Please talk to a therapist. When you're under this kind of stress, making huge life decisions isn't ideal. If you truly believe your spouse didn't do it, then maybe leaving immediately isn't in your long term best interests either. Or maybe it is. But perhaps a really good individiual therapist for both of you plus some marriage counseling, at least for a few months, is better than just leaving.

Being single and divorced after the trauma of what you went through isn't going to be great either, not for you or your child.

Sending you lots of good wishes.


I appreciate your perspective. My reasons for wanting divorce are actually unrelated to the case. Spouse and I were having issues long beforehand; it’s just that I’ve set that aside for the past 2 years so we could deal with this much bigger problem.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 16:13     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
I think you should find a therapist. It’s OK not to tell the therapist everything. You could be upfront about it, and tell her what you told us, and still work on things like coping skills and boundaries and stuff.

I went through a similar situation, although mine was sex related (then-husband had an affair, and when his AP tried to break it off, he broke into her house, destroyed her stuff, and then distributed intimate pictures of her on an amateur porn site). I knew I was leaving, but also realized that it was no good for DD if her dad was in prison, so I played along. I had a therapist to help me through it, and then the divorce.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 14:42     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Melania, is that you?


No, because she knows her spouse is guilty of what he’s accused of and more.


And she DNGAF. She famously re-negotiated the prenup and is all set living the high life, or at least higher than if she was a middle aged retired model back in Slovenia


She was never a model, just a wanna-be.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 14:41     Subject: Re:Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:OP here. There’s something else I implied but should’ve explicitly stated earlier - spouse is unaware of my plans to leave after the trial. I do feel guilty about this, but they have been under so much stress that I honestly feared they might collapse if I told them. Did I do the right thing?


Please talk to a therapist. When you're under this kind of stress, making huge life decisions isn't ideal. If you truly believe your spouse didn't do it, then maybe leaving immediately isn't in your long term best interests either. Or maybe it is. But perhaps a really good individiual therapist for both of you plus some marriage counseling, at least for a few months, is better than just leaving.

Being single and divorced after the trauma of what you went through isn't going to be great either, not for you or your child.

Sending you lots of good wishes.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2024 14:32     Subject: Help me make it through the next month and a half
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Melania, is that you?


No, because she knows her spouse is guilty of what he’s accused of and more.


And she DNGAF. She famously re-negotiated the prenup and is all set living the high life, or at least higher than if she was a middle aged retired model back in Slovenia