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Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

Op here. My divorce attorney said that barring a documented history of violence or substance abuse, DH will unquestionably be entitled to 50/50 and I should plan accordingly. DH doesn’t use drugs and isn’t violent.

Does he actually WANT 50/50? You filed before- what was his reaction?

Op here. No reaction other than shrugging his shoulders like, well, if that’s what you want. He did say he wanted 50/50.

In practice I doubt he’d actually keep the kids 50/50 but he’d be entitled to it.

He likely wants the $ that would come with 50/50. Strategize timing of filing, jobs, etc. to try to avoid that.

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

Op here. My divorce attorney said that barring a documented history of violence or substance abuse, DH will unquestionably be entitled to 50/50 and I should plan accordingly. DH doesn’t use drugs and isn’t violent.

Does he actually WANT 50/50? You filed before- what was his reaction?

Op here. No reaction other than shrugging his shoulders like, well, if that’s what you want. He did say he wanted 50/50.

In practice I doubt he’d actually keep the kids 50/50 but he’d be entitled to it.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that and you're child is dealing with that. I totally understand this isn't all stuff you can outsource to a nanny.

What would you do if DH died? How would you fill the gap?

What gap? She would have one less dependent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

This sounds like a mental health problem and not just a lazy guy. What have counselors told you about how to proceed? Any ideas on what exactly is wrong with him? Also, if you are worried about divorce and him having unsupervised time with the kids - do you know if he would even care? It sounds like he doesn't do anything for the family and is not invested in being a parent. Maybe he would check out completely if you were divorced?

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Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

Op here. You’re misunderstanding. I like my new job arrangement but it’s not financially sustainable. We are taking on debt every month. I had hoped DH would get a full time job to help make up some of the shortfall but he won’t. I am trying to rent our house out to help make up the shortfall but DH also will not cooperate with that. Professionally my current job is ideal and also very hard to find so I don’t want to give it up. But we have to make massive changes for this to be possible and those changes would require DH to help.

And yeah, I’m working with a psychiatrist already.

Anyway, I am seeing from these replies that my expectation for DH to be a functioning adult is the problem. I need to stop expecting anything at all of him, no matter how minimal.

Ok... But I'm still not grasping why, since you have your mom and a nanny, you can only work 15 hrs a week.

Op here. Well, my kid has been in the hospital. I listed our house for rent which was a pretty Herculean task (cleaning, declutterring, professional pics, etc., and I did it all myself except for the pics). I’m also interviewing for new jobs. It hasn’t even been two months yet?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that and you're child is dealing with that. I totally understand this isn't all stuff you can outsource to a nanny.

What would you do if DH died? How would you fill the gap?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

Op here. You’re misunderstanding. I like my new job arrangement but it’s not financially sustainable. We are taking on debt every month. I had hoped DH would get a full time job to help make up some of the shortfall but he won’t. I am trying to rent our house out to help make up the shortfall but DH also will not cooperate with that. Professionally my current job is ideal and also very hard to find so I don’t want to give it up. But we have to make massive changes for this to be possible and those changes would require DH to help.

And yeah, I’m working with a psychiatrist already.

Anyway, I am seeing from these replies that my expectation for DH to be a functioning adult is the problem. I need to stop expecting anything at all of him, no matter how minimal.

Ok... But I'm still not grasping why, since you have your mom and a nanny, you can only work 15 hrs a week.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

Op here. You’re misunderstanding. I like my new job arrangement but it’s not financially sustainable. We are taking on debt every month. I had hoped DH would get a full time job to help make up some of the shortfall but he won’t. I am trying to rent our house out to help make up the shortfall but DH also will not cooperate with that. Professionally my current job is ideal and also very hard to find so I don’t want to give it up. But we have to make massive changes for this to be possible and those changes would require DH to help.

And yeah, I’m working with a psychiatrist already.

Anyway, I am seeing from these replies that my expectation for DH to be a functioning adult is the problem. I need to stop expecting anything at all of him, no matter how minimal.