Anonymous wrote:We have been married for 7 years and have 2 small children. Moved out to a suburb 2 years ago and quickly fell in with a group of other young families in our neighborhood. I get invited to all of the book clubs and ladies nights etc, but have recently learned that whenever they get together as couples recently we are not included

I can't help but think this is because of him. He has always been kind of an introvert but was able to fake it when we were younger and dating, but now he's just gotten so much more low energy and not fun to be around. I chalked it up to his stressful job and the stress of life w/ 2 under 3. I'm so bummed - the weekends are such a drag, it is like pulling teeth to get him out of the house to do anything with the kids, let alone other families.

Not really a question, just venting after seeing pics of a St. Patty's party we were not invited to. Oh well.

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for 7 years and have 2 small children. Moved out to a suburb 2 years ago and quickly fell in with a group of other young families in our neighborhood. I get invited to all of the book clubs and ladies nights etc, but have recently learned that whenever they get together as couples recently we are not included

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.

NP here. But who wants to be in a corner all alone for the next 30+ years. It affects the kids, too, when you start to see they’re left out of things. Ask me how I know. Most don’t get married with the expectation of living on an island.

I don’t know, because DH has his own activities and we don’t get left out of things. People don’t leave us out because I am shy or want to stay home. OP could be part of the problem.

Do you have small kids, though, who still rely on you for opening doors to the world and having other families over? My kids hardly have this experience and my husband doesn’t really care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was the same OP. He had a group of friends and a normal social life when I met him, but after 2 kids and 12 years of marriage it has deteriorated to the point where he doesn’t want to ever leave the house for any reason or interact with anyone outside of his family. He’s very hands on with the kids and has a good job making $300k+, but I had to function like a single mom when it came to any type of social event, travel, or basically any activity more than a few minutes away from home. He never wanted to do anything alone with me either, all he wanted was to watch YouTube on the couch in silence. Every attempt to talk to him about it was shut down with “I’m just tired because of work and the kids, it’ll get better later.” It never got better and we are separated now because I can’t live the rest of my life that way. I will say that since I moved out he’s actually gotten a lot more serious about his one hobby sport and has actually made some friends through the classes and matches, and I’m really glad to see that. Personally I’m so much happier without the constant presence of his negative energy and silent disapproval every time I made social plans.

OP here - this response struck out at me because I can easily picture us heading down this path if things don't change soon. It's not just this one-off party snub but indicative of a bigger pattern/trend. He is the breadwinner by far but I also work FT and still do 99% of everything kid/house/pet related. I'm exhausted too but can't just plop down on the couch all weekend and check out from everything like does.

Did you try therapy, medical testing etc before separation to see if there is some underlying cause that can be fixed, or just accept that this is how he is going to be going forward? I want to gently encourage my DH to get some kind of help (therapy? depression screening? blood workup for anemia/low-T/something?) but I don't know where to start.

Anonymous wrote:Op, don’t your sense of self.
Most humans ARE social and need community socialization. Don’t let an introvert or aspie or homebody isolate you and your kids.

Yes that means you will be in charge of handling any family holidays, traditions, athletic teams, vacations, family friend gatherings. Don’t expect your seclusive spouse to care about any of that, maybe just for photo ops with his kids. Dig into also if his folks didn’t care about or do any of that. Sometimes the mom is too overwhelmed to do it, other times she’s introverted or other things and doesn’t care. So the kids miss out on basic experiences. So what. She thinks going to the library or hanging out at the sheet music shop after school is the way to go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.

NP here. But who wants to be in a corner all alone for the next 30+ years. It affects the kids, too, when you start to see they’re left out of things. Ask me how I know. Most don’t get married with the expectation of living on an island.

I don’t know, because DH has his own activities and we don’t get left out of things. People don’t leave us out because I am shy or want to stay home. OP could be part of the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.

NP here. But who wants to be in a corner all alone for the next 30+ years. It affects the kids, too, when you start to see they’re left out of things. Ask me how I know. Most don’t get married with the expectation of living on an island.

Anonymous wrote:Op, your post resonated with me. I am also married to an introvert who rarely wants to leave the house. I also think that our social life suffers because of him. We have very few couple friends but I have a lot of friends myself. My DH is fine in small groups but says nothing at parties and is just not a guy’s guy, so the husbands have a hard time getting to know him and probably write him off as shy, dorky or even an ahole. So, we don’t get invited out much at all. Frankly, it sucks.

My sister’s husband is the opposite of DH and they have tons of friends, this translates into them getting invited out a lot and to their friends’ various vacation homes and on great, fun trips. Basically, they are living life to the fullest while we stay at home night after night and watch Office reruns.
If he weren’t a good husband and father, I’d be long gone. Life is too short to sit around the house all day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

Introversion is a spectrum, you could be more in the middle. I'm sure he's burnt out from work and raising young kids.
I also think introversion is more extreme when the activity is unappealing. Willing to bet husband just doesn't vibe with these people.

But OP said it's been a decline and it's not just the neighborhood get togethers -- "he's just gotten so much more low energy and not fun to be around." and "the weekends are such a drag, it is like pulling teeth to get him out of the house to do anything with the kids, let alone other families."

This is not normal necessarily. I'm an introvert with twins and even when my kids were tiny and exhausting, I needed some form of human adult interaction that was not my spouse on a regular basis and to leave my house or I would lose it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed. Encourage him to get screened and/or start therapy.

I am an introvert too, but I do need to socialize, just with smaller groups of people. Introvert does not equal isolation.

+1

I ebb and flow; love my downtime, Me Time, the office chatter, family friend stuff, extended family stuff.

And no houseguests for more than 3 days unless you’re really pitching in or doing your own thing.

Introversion is a spectrum, you could be more in the middle. I'm sure he's burnt out from work and raising young kids.
I also think introversion is more extreme when the activity is unappealing. Willing to bet husband just doesn't vibe with these people.

Anonymous wrote:I am the introvert and less fun one and would be so sad if my husband thought of me as a burden in this way. He should be in my corner.