Anonymous wrote:Just tell them you are going out. What are they going to do - barricade the door?
So what if they get annoyed. I’m sure they will get over it.

poster with the inlaws near San Francisco here.
They yell. Loud and nasty and they don't stop. I don't want my kids to go through that. So we stopped visiting at all.

Just tell them you are going out. What are they going to do - barricade the door?
So what if they get annoyed. I’m sure they will get over it.

Oh I remember the old “sit around” with my North Carolina relatives. And the inevitable “who should we talk about now.”

The way we get out of this with our relatives is that we have an itinerary (hotels booked, flights tickets bought) and agenda in advance that we share with them. We also throw some $$$ in helping them fix their home, car, yard, health, finances - so that they can continue living in their home for more years.

Here are my tips to a smoother visit with the older generation -
- Have an itinerary and share with everyone. Buy tickets, book spa, book hotels etc beforehand. '

- Have access to your own money and ride. Spending money on projects for your parents/ils allows you to nip some age-related issues in the bud.

- We also host sets of relatives in our parents/ILs home or a nearby hotel, and we cater and pay for the food. This helps in not having to visit all the other relatives and saves time for us. Also, parents/ILs do not have to life a finger to host or pay for food. Furthermore, our parents also get to connect with their relatives and do not feel bad that we don't want to do an endless round of visiting people.

- Have an itinerary that includes daily sightseeing/activity and take at least one or two meals outside of the home. Older people get unsettled if you are eating all three meals at home, mainly because they themselves have diminished appetites.

- Tackle one big project when you are visiting parents or ILs. My DH always gets their cars serviced, deep cleaned and get one costly thing done (brakes fixed, new tires etc). Or he will get some home improvement job done when he is there. We pay attention to making sure that the house and all major appliances are well maintained. If they lose their home or feel overwhelmed about managing, they will want to live with us. We do our best to keep their confidence up and make sure that they are connected to their community.

- There are a lot of age related stuff that happens - neglect of health, neglect of cleanliness, isolation, lack of maintenance of home, hoarding etc. Keep an eye on it and start putting support in place for them. If you don't, this will soon become your problem. We have started to pay for yard maintenance for my parents/ILs. We plan to start paying for house cleaning once a month too.

- When you visit your family for more than a week and use their car - get it cleaned and top off the gas and other fluids before you return. Also, if you are hosting at their home, pay for food and pay someone to clean their home. Make these things happen when you are there.

Unfortunately, visiting our aging parents is no longer fun and games. So you have to plan it out well so that you are also getting some nice memories out of it, but also, think of it as an opportunity to make their home and their lives comfortable, functional and joyful. This will allow them to live in their own home for a longer time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws were like that. They lived about an hour away from San Francisco, so there were actually a lot of fun/interesting things to do within driving distance.
But wow, would they get IRATE if we actually wanted to go do any of them. If we were there, we were expected to sit in their house, and help them with home improvement projects.
One time we just wanted to go out for coffee and were berated about how we were wasting money (I mean, it was our money, it's not like we were expecting them to pay!)

We just stopped visiting.

Same we stopped visiting. Just not worth it. I can sit on the phone with you if that's all you want to do no need for the expense and time of an in person visit anymore.

Here’s the thing: we are the ones working who have limited time off. At most 3-4 weeks. And I want to use that precious time living life and doing something enjoyable, not pretending I’m sitting in the front row at a funeral home for an entire week, because that’s what such visits start to feel like.

Dh takes the kids by himself to see them every other time.

Just make plans, invite them and go. They won’t be mad. They might be relieved. People are different.

When we visit my parents we just plan our own daily activities and sometimes they join us or not. My dad has had some recent health problems but he doesn’t expect us or want us to just sit around with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we'll have a car. Is it rude to take our 3-year-old to do things? I definitely don't want to be that.

I don't think it is rude as long as she also has plenty of time with them. Just announce that she needs to have some time to run around..

It would help to tell them in advance that you plan to get your daughter out of the house once a day and they are welcome to join or stay home. Your in-laws and DH might actually enjoy having time to hang out without you and your child.

Also, I bet if you left DH alone at their house with at least one child, he’d change his tune really fast. You are probably absorbing entertaining the kids while he sits around with his parents. Next time, send him alone and see how his opinion about staying home all day changes.

OP, what is stopping you from: going on a run, going on a walk, taking the car or having a rental car just for yourself. Set a schedule. Some time together, some time apart.

You absolutely should be out and about doing things! My parents are older and have mobility challenges, but we still do things with them that they are able to do. My kids are older, but we went to see a play at the local theater, we go out to eat places etc. When my kids were toddlers, we would definitely get them out of the house for a few hours every day - a playground, kids museum, indoor play place etc. They cant just sit around and talk! sometimes my parents would join us but usually not. It’s gotten much harder for them to leave the house the last couple of years (dad needs round the clock aides) so we mostly don't do much anymore.

If your ILs are able, you should definitely plan things with them. And it will make for more memories with their grandchild as she gets older!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make plans and invite them. Something along the line of, "Hey, I heard about the XYZ Museum and I think little Janie would get a kick out of it. We're going to head there on Thursday morning if anyone wants to come along."

PP with the inlaws near San Francisco here.
They'd yell at us. "No! You're not going to the XYZ museum! You're here to see us! You're staying here!"

WTF. Are you serious? I would be out the door the second they said that. And booking a hotel while I was out. That doesn't fly. You don't get to control other people as much as you would like to.

I think it’s fine to take the 3yo out to do something. I also think you need to go out by yoursekf though and leave the 3yo in the car if your homebody DH and in laws. They won’t all be sitting on the couch for long if they’re responsible for a 3yo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we'll have a car. Is it rude to take our 3-year-old to do things? I definitely don't want to be that.

Have you actually just been sitting in their house for days on end with a toddler and not doing anything??

Yes. DH feels it's rude not to socialize, especially since we usually sleep in an Airbnb.

Umm, even if you went out for 3-4 hours during the day, you still spend 10+ hours socializing. You do not need to be together 24/7.

My inlaws aren't this bad but they're content to sit home more than I would. I just announce we're doing X today if you'd like to come along. If so, great, if not, see you in a few hours. I don't care what they think about it. They probably think I'm rude. Oh well. We've been married 20+ years and they've never said anything to me (or DH that I know of).