Maybe if you weren't a useless pushover he wouldn't act like this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP - I'm in a very similar situation (a lot worse in private than what OP described) and couples counseling did not help a bit. While I agree this kind of dynamic is detrimental to the kids, what happens in a divorce? Doesn't the man get the kids equally? If it was just me, I would have been out the door already but it's scary to think he will have the kids 50% and treat them with the same verbal abuse. For all those suggesting divorce, how do you handle the custody part?

All I can tell you, as the kid who grew up in this kind of home, I wished everyday that it would stop and they could find happier lives elsewhere.

+1

Was a lot to unlearn too

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

You are being as much of an ass as her husband

Hi OP, just wanted to add a supportive note. Sounds like you are in a tough place and want to do the right thing for your kids. I agree with the posters who said that your kids having a good experience 50% of the time might be worth it. My mom left my abusive dad when I was 5 and I know she worries that she made a bad choice, but she remarried my stepdad who was a kind man. Being with my dad after the divorce was challenging at times but it was good that I felt safe with my mom and stepdad. When I was 12, I stopped living with my dad altogether but I still saw him occasionally. In the end, I had a good relationship with both parents and they both had better relationships with their second marriages. I am so thankful that my mom did not stay with my dad.

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

ha! I usually think that the DCUM crowd is biased toward the women and I take the side of the man, but in this case, the guy is a complete jerk, and you don't get it at all. This poor girl asked for much needed relationship advice on how to deal with an a-hole husband, but you give her cooking and hosting advice!? if the zucchini was cooked beforehand, the jerk husband would find something else to berate his wife about in front of the guests. PP, you are almost as clueless as the husband!

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is an accurate transcript, he is awful. Really awful. He is nasty and insulting. This goes way beyond bickering. If I was a guest, I would be concerned that, in private, it is way worse.

At a bare minimum, I would ask for counseling to work on communication. You don’t deserve to be humiliated at every turn and you really don’t want your kids growing up with this dynamic. It won’t be long before they’re talking to you in the same way.

+1 If I saw a man talk to his wife like that in front of guests I would assume he's knocking her around when no one is watching.

Anonymous wrote:OP, call him out on his BS.

My DH tried this because that is how his military dad talked to his (mostly) SAHM mom. FIL was an insecure, frustrated little man, and the ILs thought this was acceptable. Of course, the kids did, too, and a couple of them are equally insecure, frustrated and little. The MIL literally physically jumps for men, it is fascinating - if not positively sad, to see in action. [So, she is not one to choose the right side, and often pairs with whomever is more stubborn, as both MIL and FIL are stubborn.]

It is never acceptable for anyone to talk to you this way, especially your spouse. End that shyt, even if you have to do it in front of everyone else (like he does). He asked for it.

Call it out.

Nothing to discuss or argue about. Calling out and if he starts an argument call it out again and say it needs to stop.
Then walk away, with the kids.

Anonymous wrote:This is probably one of the reasons I never married.

I couldn’t bear to be treated like this.

No it’s not

Verbal abuse isn't ADHD...

Tell him to F off! Maybe you’re too nice?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed to have other people see how your DH actually treats you. The problem isn’t that other people see, the problem is the way he treats you.

When I started having people
over, that is when I noticed how my husband of 15 years treated me. I will never forget the remark one friend (male, spouse of another friend) made to me when I walked him to his car. Let’s just say, he noticed and was kind enough to say something to me.

You might be able to course correct

I was not able tix

what did he say????

Reiterating others, the issue isn't guests, the issue is him. Divorce, you deserve better

This is probably one of the reasons I never married.

I couldn’t bear to be treated like this.

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed to have other people see how your DH actually treats you. The problem isn’t that other people see, the problem is the way he treats you.

When I started having people
over, that is when I noticed how my husband of 15 years treated me. I will never forget the remark one friend (male, spouse of another friend) made to me when I walked him to his car. Let’s just say, he noticed and was kind enough to say something to me.

You might be able to course correct

I was not able tix

My parents are like this. I limit contact because I don't want to expose my kids to it.

If you are set on staying married, build your own life. Don't have people over. Don't hang out with him. Just competent in the same house.

Also? Tell him it's impossible for you to have sex with someone who speaks to you that way. See how fast he works on it.